


When You're Playing With Desire

by vivalamusaine



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Accidentally domestic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Background Les Amis de l'ABC, Background Relationships, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Casual Sex, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Enjolras Has Feelings, Enjolras Is Bad At Feelings, Enjolras-centric, Enjolras/Grantaire-centric, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Handcuffs, Light BDSM, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining Enjolras, Porn with Feelings, Resolved Sexual Tension, Shower Sex, background courferre drama, enjolras fucks his feelings away, im sorry taye made me tag it that way, try new and improved diet bdsm now with zero percent fat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:37:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 50,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7788790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivalamusaine/pseuds/vivalamusaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night stands are supposed to be just that- A one night stand. </p><p>But Enjolras can't seem to tear himself away from Grantaire after theirs. </p><p>Friends with Benefits, Slow Burn ExR.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Come Running to my Place when it Burns Like Fire

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write this for SO long. I would like to thank my incredibly wonderful beta Sara (Granteares).
> 
> This fic is going to contain a lot of sex and a lot of Enjolras denying his feelings. <3

If you asked him, Enjolras would say that he couldn’t really remember how it had all happened. That it just kind of did and now here they were together; their breaths catching slightly and their bodies pressed together. 

 

That would be a lie, however. Enjolras remembered every aspect of how this odd and exciting situation had came to be. 

 

It had started with a joke the day before. It was a brisk Spring afternoon and the weather was wavering on the cusp of pleasant and chilly. The sun was out, the flowers were in bloom, the sky was beautiful, and Enjolras was on edge.

 

Despite the calm nature of the day, Enjolras was anything but. Although he was well versed in the knowledge that it was just that time of the year, the horribly anxious and stressful time where exams and a multitude of pressures from his internship were piling up inconveniently all at once; he couldn’t help but feel incredibly overwhelmed.

 

“You need a drink.” A gratingly carefree voice said, snapping him out of his focus on the papers before him.

 

Enjolras sighed, rubbing his eyes and feeling the harsh sting of lack of sleep hit behind his eyelids. How much did he end up getting last night? Four hours? Three? Not enough, in any case.

 

“Grantaire, the last thing I need is a drink.” He replied in a flat tone and trying once more to  reread the sentence that he had been stuck on for the last hour. For some reason none of it was sinking in. It seemed the harder he tried to soak in the knowledge the more his mind fought against him. Did every part of himself have to be so stubbornly rebellious?

 

“You look stressed.” 

 

An incredibly obnoxious smirk spread across Grantaire’s face as he slid down into the booth next to Enjolras and kicked his feet upon the table, causing a few loose-leaf papers to slide off onto the floor beneath them. 

 

Enjolras shot him an annoyed look as he leaned down to pick them up. Shuffling them back into the correct order, unable to help the small stab of jealousy he felt at Grantaire’s air of freedom from responsibility.

 

“That’s because I  _ am  _ stressed.” He said pointedly, hoping that he’d get the hint and leave Enjolras alone. 

 

“You know I’ve always found there’s only one surefire cure for stress.” Grantaire said leaning in towards Enjolras slightly, his smile spreading wider.

 

“Please, _ do  _ enlighten me.” Enjolras said as he rolled his eyes.

 

“Casual, mind-blowing, animalistic sex!” Grantaire said placing his hands behind his head and leaning back into an even more relaxed position as he wiggled his eyebrows up suggestively.

 

Enjolras only glared at him. It could have been the god awful lack of sleep, or the fact that his mind had not been working properly for the last week or so but the line conjured up the briefest image of a breathless and naked Grantaire beneath him, grasping at sheets with his neck arched backwards, a look that was purely scandalous etched across his face.

 

Grantaire laughed; the sound as breezy as the cool, crisp air outside snapped Enjolras away from the mental image and he quickly cast his eyes downwards. 

 

“I’m  _ joking _ , Enjolras. Jesus, you don’t have to look at me as though I’ve just killed a puppy. You don’t need sex, you just need a night off.” He said the last part earnestly, a genuine plea of concern could just be made out under his usually light-hearted tone. 

 

Enjolras let some of the built up tension he’d been holding in his shoulders drop. He sometimes got much too guarded around Grantaire’s presence and let the man’s obvious ribbing get to him more than it should. A problem to do with past encounters a few years back, when Grantaire had been at his worst and Enjolras had been too sharp tongued and quick to bite. They’d been getting better at it lately, the whole talking thing. But sometimes they fell back into the same steps and dialogue that had made their company with each other so unpleasant years before. He checked himself and made sure to soften his voice before replying.

 

“I appreciate your concern, but I’d really much rather just get this over with.”

 

“Is that so? Tell me, how many times have you read the same sentence without actually taking any of it in?”

 

Enjolras almost let his mouth fall open before he caught himself, instead choosing to furrow his brow in confusion. 

 

“How did you-?”

 

Grantaire laughed once more, his eyes shining with delight at Enjolras’ surprise. Enjolras relished the sound of Grantaire’s laughter. It reminded him of chilled days off and adventurous nights and when he laughed as he was doing now; genuinely with his eyes crinkling in the corners and his head thrown slightly back, the sound could warm the coldest day.

 

“You’re forgetting before I dropped out like the spectacular failure that I am that I too was once an overworked student. I know the look all too well.” He gave Enjolras a sympathetic grin. “Come on- one night off won’t hurt. Besides I think you’ll find by tomorrow that a break was all you really needed.”

 

Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or the envious way that Grantaire proposed a break so casually, as though it was the simplest thing in the world. Or maybe it was the fact that he’d spent so many nights here in the cafe hiding behind textbooks and his laptop that he was beginning to feel the heavy lack of presence from his friends. Or maybe it was even just the sound of Grantaire’s laughter, and the desire to hear more of it, but for whatever reason Enjolras relented. 

 

“Fine.” He sighed defeatedly, closing his binder with a sharp snap. “What do you propose we do for fun?”

 

“You’ve got five minutes to find a safe place to store your studies, because this place is about to go off the fucking chain!” Grantaire’s grin widened into a broad, toothy smile as he whipped out his phone and excitedly typed away. 

 

* * *

 

“Have my eyes deceived me or has Enjolras  _ actually _ admitted defeat?” Courfeyrac declared excitedly five minutes later as he made his way inside. 

 

“It’s not defeat.” Enjolras frowned at him. “I’m just taking a break.”

 

“Well whatever you call it, I’ll take it!” He pulled him into a tight squeeze before holding Enjolras at shoulders length. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! I was beginning to think that textbook had grown to be apart of your arm.”

 

Enjolras found himself laughing, and the muscles in his cheekbones loosening as a result. He’d missed _ this _ . The joyous feeling he got surrounded by his friends and their easy company.

 

“I think it almost had. I swear I saw some of the text from Nietzsche’s ‘ _ The Gay Science’ _  on my hand the other day.”

 

“‘ _ The Gay Science’ _ . Now that’s a tattoo idea if I’ve ever heard one.” Combeferre said from behind him. Enjolras smiled broadly at him. Despite the fact that he and Combeferre shared an apartment together, between Enjolras locking himself behind his studies and Combeferre taking more graveyard shifts at the hospital than usual lately the two had barely crossed paths the last few weeks.

 

He was already feeling a million times lighter.

 

Soon there was Bahorel and Feuilly, closely followed by Joly, Bossuet and Musichetta and soon all of his friends were there. It seemed that Grantaire had a strange skill for joining them all together. 

 

Enjolras wasn’t much of a drinker, but being surrounded by all of them once more rose his spirits enough to join them in just one drink. 

 

Soon one became three and Enjolras was floating happy on a buzz of comradery and a feeling of freedom, even if it was just for one night. God how he’d missed them all and now they were all here and laughing and happy. Enjolras was happy. 

 

Looking over to the table in the corner he spotted Grantaire relaying a dramatic story to Jehan and smiled absentmindedly. Enjolras watched his hands move in dramatic flourishes and his mouth slant sideways as he reached the pinnacle of his story before finally throwing his head back in uproarious laughter, exposing his neck as it arched backwards and letting his curls fall across his face. 

 

Enjolras felt a tingle crawl across his spine slowly as the sight of him sent the shameful image of Grantaire beneath him flooding back.

 

His mind, hazy from the liquor, failed to catch up quickly enough to shake it away instantaneously, and it played out longer than before. Enjolras saw himself trailing hard and rough kisses down Grantaire’s bare chest and a strong hand draped across his own hip and playing in his hair.

 

He might have let it play out even further if the real life Grantaire hadn’t noticed him suddenly and shot him a smile from across the room. Enjolras realised with a start that he’d been staring and gave him a polite one back before turning quickly towards Feuilly, pushing the thought far into the back of his mind and feeling his cheeks flush at the shame that the image had caused.

 

He and Grantaire were getting better, but they’d never been  _ good,  _ and after so kindly convincing Enjolras to take a well needed break how had Enjolras repaid him? By ignoring him for most of the night in favour of his other friends and thinking about him inappropriately. He felt a strange urge to be around Grantaire more and decided suddenly that enough was enough. They were adults now, they were friends. He didn’t want to be constantly on guard with Grantaire anymore and he certainly didn’t want to fall back to the state they used to be in. 

 

Feeling more than a little bit tipsy and having the urge take hold of him, Enjolras confidently walked over to where Grantaire had started to tell another ridiculous story. Jehan had disappeared giggling out the back door, closely followed by a dark haired and sullen looking young man that Enjolras had never seen before. Enjolras made a mental note to check up on them later.

 

Grantaire stopped in the middle of his story when Enjolras reached him and looked at him surprised. “Enjolras! Are you enjoying your night off?”

 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but you were right. I really, really needed this.” Enjolras had to raise his voice over the music playing. As the night was wearing on it seemed to have only grown louder and louder, and now he was almost yelling. Grantaire looked at him delightedly.

 

“Listen. I want you to do something for me.” He said taking Grantaire by the shoulder and leading him slightly away from Bossuet and Joly, who really didn’t seem to mind as they were currently distracted giving each other quick and giggly kisses everywhere they could get away with.

 

Grantaire gave a nervous laugh. “Sure. Anything.”

 

“Give me one actual conversation tonight.” Enjolras said looking at Grantaire’s uncertain expression seriously. “No bickering or sarcasm or trying to get on my nerves. Just a proper conversation.”

 

“Are you sure?” Grantaire asked with a small smirk. “You know sarcasm and trying to get on your nerves is like ninety-nine percent of my vocabulary. You cut that out and the leftover one percent is pretty boring.”

 

“I’m being serious.” Enjolras said trying to sound firm but coming across as whiny instead. He decided with a hazy, passing thought that he didn’t care if that made him sound pathetic. He was after all trying to let his guard down. “We never talk properly.”

 

His expression must have looked as sombre as his tone for Grantaire’s smirk was wiped away almost instantly and was replaced with something else entirely. Enjolras told himself that he really needed to cut back on the drinks because it was making him see things that weren’t there; like a passing moment of fear reflected in Grantaire’s eyes.

 

“I guess I did say anything...” Grantaire said slowly, before quickly lighting up again. “Alright, I guess the years of pulling your pigtails have finally caught up to me.”

 

“Enjolras!” Bahorel called from across the room. “You owe me a kamikaze shot! Get your ass over here!”

 

“One conversation.” Enjolras said pointing a finger up at Grantaire and earning himself a laugh. Enjolras removed his hand from Grantaire’s shoulder and felt an odd sense of warmth leave him as he did so. He rather hesitantly made his way over to where Bahorel was waiting with a tray of drinks and a piece of lime wedged between his teeth.

 

As the night wore on it seemed that every time Enjolras had a proper chance to talk with Grantaire somebody dragged him away from his company in favour of their own. 

 

“This doesn’t count!” Enjolras called back to Grantaire as Courfeyrac grabbed his arm and forcefully led him to the karaoke machine for the third time that night. Grantaire had just been telling him about a gallery an old university friend was opening before Courfeyrac had heard the starting notes of Journey’s ‘ _ Don’t Stop Believing _ ’ begin to play and decided that it had to be sung as a duet.

 

People slowly began to filter out. There were only four of them left by the end of the night, if you didn’t count Bahorel passed out on the pool table. Although Enjolras was worn out, tired and much past the point of tipsy he was still incredibly determined to have a proper conversation with Grantaire if it killed him. Which he realised suddenly, it actually might.

 

“Enjolras,” Combeferre said softly, pulling his coat over his shoulders whilst Joly waited by the door. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

 

“Nooo.” Enjolras said slurring out a long whine. “There’s still something I haven’t done!” He looked over to where Grantaire was standing by the pool table, trying to poke Bahorel into consciousness again.

 

He looked back towards Combeferre who was eyeing him strangely and realised that he had no context for the situation. 

 

“Grantaire promised me a conversation.” He tried to elaborate but it only earned him another strange look. Seeing the unwavering and determined expression Enjolras had so famously come accustomed to wearing however, Combeferre sighed and shook his head.

 

“Grantaire?” Combeferre called out. Grantaire moved away from the pool table and came over to them. “Joly and I have to go to the hospital, would you mind making sure Enjolras gets home safely.”

 

“I’m not a child…” Enjolras muttered under his breath as he crossed his arms across his chest.

 

“No,” Grantaire said with a smirk. “But you’re clearly not used to being this intoxicated. ‘Course I’ll take you home!”

 

“Great. Well don’t do anything stupid and try to make sure Bahorel doesn’t sleep here tonight. The last place he tried to do that he broke the table and we got barred from coming back.”

 

“Stay safe!” Joly added with a smile and a wave as they headed out.

 

“I’ve had  _ a couple _ of drinks and they’re acting like I’m going to try to start a riot or something!” Enjolras muttered with a huff. 

 

“I think that may have been directed more at me than at you. I don’t exactly have a shining track record” Grantaire said with a laugh. “But come on, are you seriously saying you’re not even a little bit tempted to start a riot right now?”

 

“I’m honestly more tempted to just go to bed.” Enjolras said sitting down at the closest table with a sigh. Grantaire sat across from him looking awkward and fidgety.

 

“Did you want to go home?” Grantaire asked checking the time on his phone. “I mean it’s dead here anyway-”

 

“I meant it.” Enjolras said. Sitting down was helping him to sober up a little and although the lights above them were still dancing slightly his focus on Grantaire’s face was steadying. “We never talk and I want to fix that.”

 

Grantaire looked at him uncertainly, he tapped his fingers on the table and went to open his mouth.

 

“And I meant it when I said no sarcasm.” Enjolras said firmly.

 

This caused Grantaire to laugh and broke some of the tension in the air.

 

“Okay fine. But _ I _ meant what I said as well- I’m really boring without it.”

 

“I don’t mind.” Enjolras said with what he hoped was an encouraging smile.

  
  


Talking to Grantaire without guarded personas and a wall of sarcasm between them was not at all boring and actually surprisingly easy, as it turned out. The man had a natural way with words so that even when describing dull and normal things such as early school life and family matters, Enjolras was rapt with attention the entire time.

 

He seemed to have an intriguing story for every facet and predicament his life had taken, although Enjolras couldn’t help but notice that he conveniently glossed over the parts from a few years back; his bad years, as Joly would call them.

 

It also seemed that they had a surprising amount in common, as every time Grantaire finished telling a story Enjolras had a sister one, reminiscent and similar and striking in the issues they had both seemed to face. The only thing that seemed to be different about their experiences was the way they had both gone about dealing with them. Although, Enjolras supposed that really was not quite surprising at all.

 

What Enjolras enjoyed the most however was hearing Grantaire describing his family. The way that his face lit up and his eyes filled with a bashful pride at all the good his younger sister was doing and how far she was succeeding was simply breathtaking. Enjolras found his mind slipping from the conversation as he watched the variety of ways Grantaire’s facial expressions changed. He’d never realised before; the dimples when he smiled widely or the way his nose scrunched up when he was describing something unpleasant.

 

“Enjolras?”

 

“Huh?” Enjolras said, shaking himself out of his trance. He realised with a start that Grantaire had been asking him a question, but he had been distracted watching the way the light was bouncing off his hair, as the loose lamp above them swung unsteadily.

 

“I asked you if you’ve ever seen Metropolis. Wow, you’re really out of it.” He said with a laugh as he checked his phone. “Holy shit. No wonder, it’s been almost three hours.”

 

“Three hours?” Enjolras asked blinking. The fuzziness in his head didn’t have anything to do with the alcohol that had long since faded from his system.

 

“Yeah, since Ferre and Joly left. Come on,” He said rising from his chair and grabbing his coat. “Let’s get you home and Bahorel into a bed with less balls in it.”

 

“But it’s my night off!” Enjolras said with a pout.

 

He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to keep talking to Grantaire.

 

“Sorry to break this to you but your night off has turned into a morning off. And you’re not going to be wishing you stayed out later when you wake up and have to study again. Trust me.”

 

“Since when are you the voice of reason?” Enjolras muttered, reluctantly standing up and following Grantaire over to Bahorel, who was quickly and violently sitting up.

 

Grantaire chuckled under his breath as he helped Bahorel to his feet. “I’m always the voice of reason, Enj. You just never listen to me.”

 

“It’s the motherfucking lighthouse man.” Bahorel murmured in a slur as stumbled forwards. “The lighthouse was fucking haunted that’s why all that weird shit happened. They would have realised that if they followed their motherfucking hearts.”

 

“Thanks Captain Hindsight.” Grantaire said leading Bahorel towards the door. “But where was that insight 6 hours ago when Feuilly asked you what they should have done instead of summoning a demon?”

 

“Feuilly’s a dick.” Bahorel said with a frown as they reached the door, before his face broke into a vague and distant expression, “No he’s not. He’s perfect. God, I’m the dick.”

 

“Sleep it off, mate.” Grantaire said giving him a small shove in the direction of his apartment. 

 

“Is he going to be okay?” Enjolras asked uncertainly, “I mean I feel like he’s the one you should be walking home.”

 

“Bahorel’s practically got a GPS in his feet when he’s wasted. He can find anything. He’ll be home before we are.”

 

“If you’re sure…” Enjolras said.

 

“Hey, if our resident Mother Hen finds out I broke my promise about taking you home I’m going to wake up on his operating table.” Grantaire said as they started walking in the direction of Enjolras’ apartment. Enjolras couldn’t help but laugh at that.

 

“Do you remember the time Marius and Bahorel were supposed to car pool a group of us to a protest outside of the city but we changed the car arrangements last minute-”

 

“-And Bahorel thought that Marius was taking Courfeyrac but Marius thought that Bahorel was the one taking him!”

 

“Yes! And Courfeyrac ended up waiting for a carpool that wasn’t coming and when Combeferre found out he twisted both of their ears like they were ten or something and made them _ both  _ go back for him!”

 

Grantaire laughed wholeheartedly. “And Bahorel tried to argue that you don’t need two cars to pick up one person and Combeferre just fixed him with the iciest, coldest death stare. I felt like he was seconds away from shooting lasers from his eyes! And Bahorel shut right up and almost drove into a pole in his hurry to get back to Courf.”

 

“I honestly thought that he was going to murder them both. He can be so protective when it comes to Courfeyrac.”

 

“What is up with those two anyway?”

 

“Marius and Bahorel? I dunno I think it was just a communication error-”

 

“No, not them.” Grantaire laughed, he was so close he was practically leaning on Enjolras at this point. Enjolras could feel his warm breath against his neck as Grantaire laughed and smelled something akin to coffee and caramel. “Courf and Ferre. Come on, you’re their best friend. You must know all their secrets.”

 

“I wouldn’t be a very good best friend if I told people those secrets.” Enjolras replied with a half smile.

 

“Aha! I knew it! So there are secrets!” Grantaire said triumphantly.

 

Enjolras rolled his eyes but was unable to hide the grin that spread across his face.

 

“Come on, you can tell me!” Grantaire said giving Enjolras a playful elbow shove. “They’re dating right? They’ve been acting especially strange the last few weeks.”

 

“I haven’t noticed.” Enjolras said honestly. He felt another sinking feeling as he realised just how distracted he’d been lately. “If they are they haven’t told me.”

 

“Well even if they’re not, they’re at least in love with each other right? I mean, could they _ be  _ anymore obvious?”

 

Enjolras frowned. He was well aware of his friends feelings for each other as it seemed like every week one of them was running to him complaining about it. It was especially frustrating for Enjolras, as both of them had made him promise to never tell the other.

 

“I promised I wouldn’t say.” Enjolras said with a shrug.

 

“I knew it! I can always tell when someone’s in love! Bossuet owes me 15 euros!” Grantaire’s entire face lit like a child on Christmas but he replaced it with a sheepish grin when he saw the stern look upon Enjolras’ face. “That is to say, he  _ would  _ owe me 15 euros if I wasn’t sworn to secrecy.”

 

Enjolras was about to reply when his foot caught on the pavement and he lurched forward. His breath hitched as he expected to feel the cold sting of the ground beneath him, instead he felt warm and strong hands catch him by the shoulders and steer him steady.

 

“See?” Grantaire laughed as he pulled him back into an upright position. There was that intoxicating and warming aroma once more, and Enjolras had to suppress a shiver. His face was closer to Grantaire’s than ever before and underneath the moonlight Enjolras could see small golden flecks shimmering beneath the deep green of his eyes. “You did need a chaperone.”

 

For the second time that night Enjolras realised that he was staring, and hastily looked away. Grantaire withdrew his arm from around his shoulders but the closeness between them remained. Enjolras was far too aware of the body heat radiating from him. His traitorous mind kept throwing flashes of the image back at him with every brush of their shoulders. 

 

Just when Enjolras thought that Grantaire could not get any closer, he did. Leaning in towards Enjolras’ ear and cupping his hand around it, Enjolras felt the hairs on his neck stand up as Grantaire’s breath and voice fell softly upon his ear.

 

“Don’t tell the other chaperones I let you drink or I’ll be kicked out of their exclusive club.”

 

Enjolras giggled, smiling at Grantaire with matching glee. Before tonight he never would have even thought of doing so as casually as he did, but he threw his arm around Grantaire’s shoulders and walked with him in step. All too soon they had arrived at Enjolras’ apartment and he felt a crushing realisation that the night was finally over and instinctively tightened his hold around Grantaire, in a fleeting hope that it would somehow delay the end. 

 

He hadn’t realised he’d been dragging him inside of his apartment with him until they were well inside of his bedroom. The light from the kitchen was pooling slightly into Enjolras’ room.

 

Not bothering to turn on his bedroom light, Enjolras finally let go of him, falling lazily on his back against the bed. Out of his peripheral vision he could see Grantaire lean against his bedroom wall as he laughed quietly to himself.

 

“Did you have fun, Enjolras?” Grantaire asked him in a soft voice. Enjolras could hear the smile behind it.

 

“I did. I really, really did.” Enjolras said lacing his fingers together and closing his heavy eyes. 

 

“Good.” Grantaire said, and Enjolras could have sworn he heard a brief sigh of relief. 

 

Enjolras sat up slowly, opening his eyes to find Grantaire looking at him contentedly. 

 

“Thank you.” Enjolras said in the softest voice he could manage. 

 

“Hey, I just hope it helps with your studies.” Grantaire raised his hands up in mock defense, before sliding them into the depths of his pockets and tilting his head towards Enjolras with a sideways grin and a wink. “And if it doesn’t- my original offer still stands.”

 

There it was again. The mental image of  _ Grantaire _ . This time Enjolras did nothing to push it away. He let it play out with defeated impatience and realised suddenly that he wasn’t just unopposed to the idea, but he actively craved it.  

 

“Grantaire, do you want me?” Enjolras asked suddenly.

 

Enjolras saw Grantaire blanche and his eyes went wide as his shoulders tensed suddenly. 

 

“What?! It was... It was just a joke!”

 

Enjolras stood up, a helpless desire pushing him on, he took a step forward. Grantaire tried to step back, forgetting that he was against the wall and his back hit it with a small thump. 

 

“That’s the second time you’ve said that to me.” Enjolras took another step towards him. They were close now, the fabric of their shirts almost touching.

 

“Did I- Am I making you uncomfortable?” Grantaire said uncertainly, his body pressed against the wall.

 

Enjolras placed his hand steadily beside Grantaire’s head causing him to swallow hard. 

 

“Am _ I _ ?” Enjolras asked him in a low tone, almost whispering. There was only an inch between their faces. Enjolras moved his own closer to Grantaire’s tilting it slightly and stopping just before reaching his lips. Closing his eyes he whispered against them. “Like you said, the offer’s on the table.”

 

Enjolras felt something warm and wet hit his lips but felt it withdraw almost instantly. Grantaire had tried to lick his lips and in doing so accidently hit his tongue against Enjolras’ own lips. The sensation made his belly drop and his head buzz in a wanting tease.

 

“You’re just drunk, Enjolras.” he heard Grantaire say weakly.

 

“I haven’t had a drink in over three hours” Enjolras said. He could hear the own desperation in his voice but didn’t care. He had a want. A need. He moved his thumb in a stroking movement across Grantaire’s cheek and felt him still at his touch. It was almost burning hot and he opened his eyes expecting to see doubt behind Grantaire’s eyes but instead was met with matching desire and his heart thumped rapidly in a hopeful foretaste.

 

“Are you sure?” Grantaire asked hesitantly.

 

“I’m not drunk, Grantaire.” Enjolras said with finality.

 

“It’s not that…” Grantaire said, his tone filled with honey as his face broke into a daring smirk. Enjolras felt his desire burning as he openly stared at him, taking all of Grantaire in. God, how he wanted him…

 

”I’m just… If you let me- I’m going to do something I’m very good at. But, once I’m done with you, you’ll have a completely different opinion of me.”

 

Enjolras’ objection of how being good at sex had nothing to do with a person’s character was lost halfway to his throat as Grantaire grabbed the back of his head roughly and began to kiss and suck hard against his neck. Enjolras arched it back readily letting out a moan. Grantaire’s hands were moving fast and Enjolras was so lost in the motion of his mouth that he hadn’t realised he was already halfway done unbuttoning his shirt. 

 

It seemed he lost his patience at the last two buttons however as he forced the fabric apart without even attempting to undo them first. Enjolras heard one hit the floor with a small clatter, but it was soon forgotten as Grantaire was making his way, down, down, _ down _ . Across his bare midriff, placing quick and soft kisses downwards until he was crouching by Enjolras’ stomach. Enjolras let his head crane towards the ceiling as he closed his eyes, lost in intoxicating bliss. 

 

Grantaire slowed the pecks across his hip bones and Enjolras felt his stomach swing in somersaults the lower they swept. His fingers were cascading down past Enjolras’ hips across the button of his jeans sending a fresh burst of goosebumps across his skin.

 

Opening his eyes and tilting his head downwards he found Grantaire on his knees beneath him. He felt a rush of lust at the sight and made a small contented noise as Grantaire slid his hands around Enjolras’ zipper and hurriedly made to slide it open. Enjolras assisted by hastily pushing his pants down and rather awkwardly climbing out of them, kicking them to one side.

 

He was now breathing heavily in his briefs with his shirt pushed open and falling slightly off one shoulder. He supposed he should have felt more exposed, and there was certainly an eruption of heat creeping up his neck towards his cheeks. But Grantaire was not looking at him, he was busying himself with fishing a wallet out of his pocket. Enjolras noticed his hands were far from steady as he pushed aside a compartment and procured a condom, tossing the wallet against the nightstand in the corner of the room.

 

His slightly glazed eyes reached Enjolras, and for a minute they merely stayed there staring at each other. Taking themselves and each other and the reality of what they were about to do in.

 

Enjolras out of breath, half naked and slightly dishevelled and Grantaire on his knees before him.

 

Finally Enjolras swallowed, giving Grantaire a curt nod. Ensuring his consent to continue and mutually reaching the understanding that they were now crossing a point together that they would never come back from.

 

Grantaire’s eyes stayed on him as he dropped the condom to his lap before moving his hands to Enjolras’ hips once more, hooking his thumbs into the waistband and sliding them down until Enjolras was completely exposed. Grantaire seemed to be struck dumb, as he stilled at the sight of Enjolras and leaned back onto the balls of his feet slightly.

 

Enjolras was beginning to feel slightly self conscious until he looked upon his face to find a slightly sideways smile and his hand moving back to the condom in his lap. 

 

Taking the edge of the wrapper between his teeth, tearing it open in one swift movement Enjolras felt himself twitch in anticipation. 

 

Grantaire’s touch as he slid the condom slowly down his shaft sent an electric pulse racing through his veins. What he was not prepared for, was for Grantaire to take him so quickly. Almost the moment it was on, his mouth had encased Enjolras in a hot and tight embrace. Enjolras barely had a moment to let out a sharp gasp before Grantaire was quickly and tightly moving his mouth up and down his cock. Flicking his tongue along the tip whenever his mouth reached the end.

 

“Fuck.” Enjolras gasped out, leaning one hand back upon his bedpost to steady himself. Grantaire had not just been ruthlessly flirting with him with his warning. He really was good at this, and Enjolras had to concentrate to not get helplessly overcome so quickly.

 

He instinctively reached his other hand in front of him, grasping a fistful of Grantaire’s hair and eliciting a small and muffled but pleased noise from him. Grantaire slowed at Enjolras’ touch, and took his time, hollowing his cheeks and forcing Enjolras to bite his lip in a vain attempt to stop himself from moaning. It was useless, as Grantaire moved his hand down to the base and began to move his hand in rhythm with his lips, Enjolras became all but a whining mess.

 

Cursing out a string of swear words, he felt himself building to a climax. A part of him wished to delay the inevitable sensation for as long as possible; for Grantaire felt incredible and he wanted to savour this feeling for as long as he could. But a stronger part of him ached for release, as Grantaire tightened around his tip and sucked, hard and long; undoing him almost completely.

 

“Grantaire-” He choked out in what he hoped relayed a warning, because he was suddenly rendered speechless and could no longer hold back.

 

It seemed that Grantaire either did not care about the warning or didn’t hear it, as he determinedly continued on, causing Enjolras to gasp out violently as he spilled into the condom, gripping Grantaire’s curls tightly in his release.

 

Feeling bright sparks encase his vision and his mind, Enjolras took a moment to steady his breath, removing his grip from Grantaire’s hair but still holding on tightly to the bed frame. 

 

He blinked his eyes open to find Grantaire wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve and despite being completely wrecked and exhausted felt a shiver hit his spine.

 

Enjolras’ head was still swimming as he picked up his underwear and made his way briskly into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror he barely recognised the sweating and ruined man before him. The blurry and blissful haze surrounding the aftermath of his orgasm was quickly beginning to fade and he cringed as he peeled off the messy condom. He grabbed a few sheets of toilet paper and cleaned the remainder of himself up.

 

What had he done?

 

Why?

 

_ It just all happened so quickly. _ He lied to himself.  _ It was a moment of weakness. _

 

He pulled his briefs back on, throwing the paper in the wastebasket by his sink and caught himself once more in his reflection. 

 

How could Grantaire of all people make him capable of looking like this? Feeling like this? His looks and demeanour resembled something more animalistic than he’d ever seen within himself.

 

And  _ Grantaire _ .

  
God…    
  
Grantaire had looked so different kneeling at his feet, looking up at him,  _ taking him _ in his mouth.

 

Enjolras felt his stomach stir again, but this time it was uneasy with guilt.

 

Would he even be able to look him in the eyes after this and not see that vision? Would he be able to talk to him without remembering every detail of Grantaire’s mouth around him?

 

They’d made so much progress tonight, as well. He’d just gotten to know him so much better than he ever thought he could. He’d liked talking to him. He’d enjoyed his company. He wanted more of it. He couldn’t go back to distant looks and icy conversations. His heart felt heavy at just the thought of it.

 

What had he done?

 

He’d just ruined everything he’d worked so hard to build.

 

Enjolras gripped the edge of the sink and stared determinedly at the steady blue eyes looking back at him in the water stained mirror. 

 

He wouldn’t let tonight ruin things. He couldn’t. He would make it work if he had to drag Grantaire kicking and screaming into normalcy. After all, he knew people had been in this situation before and had made it work. Courfeyrac and Marius used to have a casual arrangement before Marius had met Cosette, and they still got along more than famously.

 

Taking in a deep breath Enjolras removed his stronghold from the sink and opened the bathroom door. Grantaire was standing against the doorframe of Enjolras’ bedroom, hovering awkwardly between in and out of it and his head shot up to Enjolras the moment he heard the bathroom door click open.

 

He was quick to dart his eyes back downwards again, and Enjolras felt his determination to stop this from being uncomfortable rise. 

 

Grantaire rubbed the nape of his neck. “It’s really late… Or early. I’m going to-”

 

“Stay the night.” Enjolras interrupted firmly before Grantaire could finish his sentence.

 

Grantaire’s eyes shot up to Enjolras and his brow furrowed. “What?”

 

“It’s almost three am.” Enjolras strode back towards the bedroom. “You’re not walking home by yourself, and I’m too tired to take you. So, stay.”

 

Grantaire opened his mouth and looked as though he was about to argue but before he could, Enjolras had reached him and took a hold of his hand, leading him back into the bedroom. 

 

Ignoring his self doubt Enjolras pushed on, stubbornly tenacious in his will to make things easy again.

 

“I have to sleep on the left side, though.” Enjolras said once they’d reached the bed, dropping Grantaire’s hand and finally fully discarding his shirt onto his floor. “Do you want pyjamas?”

 

“I-Uh… No. Thanks. It’s- I usually just sleep in my underwear? If that’s okay?” 

 

Enjolras didn’t have to look over to Grantaire to know that he was currently cringing at his own words. He pretended not to notice as he climbed beneath the covers, glad that the light was already switched off. He had forgotten, or perhaps not realised just how tired he was.

 

“That’s fine. I do the same.”

 

“Oh... Cool.”

 

Enjolras closed his eyes and felt the harsh sting from lack of sleep return to them as he did so. He heard a quiet shuffling as Grantaire got undressed, and felt the bed shift once he climbed in beside him, but was drifting off too quickly to pay it much mind.

 

He was almost asleep when he heard Grantaire’s small and quiet voice beside him.

 

“Enjolras?” He asked uncertainly.

 

“Yeah?” Enjolras replied, using all the willpower he had to stay awake for Grantaire’s response.

 

“I umm… I think I should probably warn you. I’ve been told that I have the tendency to… Cuddle, in my sleep.”

 

Enjolras was glad for the darkness surrounding them. The bashful way that Grantaire had confessed such an innocent thing as though it was scandalous was oddly charming to him, and he felt himself smiling. He let the quiet of the night settle over them for a moment, before mustering up the energy to roll over and latch his arm lazily around Grantaire’s waist.

 

Grantaire let out a small surprised laugh. “You’ve always got to have the upper hand, don’t you?” He said fondly. 

 

Enjolras smiled against him, pleased to hear the nervousness in his voice disappear and the tension in his shoulders loosen in his hold.

 

He drifted off to sleep before he could reply.

* * *

Enjolras was comfortable and peaceful and so very warm. So why was he awake only hours after falling asleep?

 

“Enjolras?” The voice hissed again and the incubator next to him attempted to move away once more.

 

Shutting his eyes tight and pulling the comfortable, protesting, bundle of warmth tighter into him, he nuzzled his head against it. Calm in the still of the night and feeling secure in his bed he wanted nothing more but for his brain to shut down again.

 

“Shh… Sleep…” Enjolras mumbled, his mind slipping once more into the dreamscape limbo on the edge of unconsciousness.

 

The bundle laughed quietly, and Enjolras’ sleepy mind whirred back into wakefulness at the sound. He knew that laugh.

 

“I will, just let me go for a sec. I gotta use your bathroom.” Grantaire whispered.

 

Grantaire?

 

_ Grantaire _ . Shit.

 

Enjolras quickly released him, rolling over onto his back, his face burning as he realised he’d just been straddling Grantaire, who was now leaving the bed.

 

His hazy mind was beginning to catch him up on the events from the hours past. Grantaire had just been in his bed and they had done something that Enjolras tried to push out of his mind. He couldn’t help it though. The memories were too clear and fresh to so easily forget and before he knew it he was once again thinking of Grantaire on his knees.

 

Wide awake now, Enjolras fitfully turned and twisted on the mattress, trying hard to ignore the erection that was steadily growing harder in his briefs and the aroused need and want that was taking a hold of him again. 

 

Enjolras heard the bathroom light click off and light footsteps grow closer as he pulled his duvet up higher and moved to his side. Grantaire was climbing back into the bed when another thought struck Enjolras. He realised suddenly that what they had done served to only please himself, and that Grantaire was probably suffering just as much as he was from the memories.

 

Grantaire’s back was to him, and before he could stop himself Enjolras reached a hand over and gently began to stroke small patterns across it. Another idea came to him as Grantaire shivered at the touch; waking up to Grantaire like this was nice. 

 

He moved his finger down the curve of Grantaire’s spine, tracing an invisible linear to the small of his back before pulling it away.

 

Grantaire turned over to face him, his eyes had not quite gotten accustomed to the dark yet but Enjolras thought he saw confusion there.

 

He smiled at Grantaire, asking a question without words. Grantaire seemed to understand as he answered, taking hold of Enjolras’ wrist and leading his hand back towards his chest.

 

Enjolras continued to move his finger along Grantaire’s skin. He flexed out his hand and drew it down his midriff, taking note of the soft and long hair along his stomach and exploring the curves of his hips and waist. Enjolras could have stayed touching him like this forever contentedly. But the way that Grantaire’s breath had grown short was tempting him to move along.

 

He began to trace soft patterns across Grantaire’s hipbones before settling and hovering just above his pelvis. Enjolras’ eyes sought Grantaire’s, but he was currently lost within himself as his eyelids were fluttering closed and his mouth parted slightly.

 

Enjolras’ hand gracefully glided downwards to Grantaire’s crotch and he was pleased to find that he had already grown hard just from soft touches alone. His breath hitched as Enjolras moved his hand away and slid it slowly down Grantaire’s boxers.

 

Shifting onto his elbow, he wrapped his hand around Grantaire and began to stroke him slowly, moving in closer he balanced himself so that he was almost on top of him. Grantaire watched him as he tilted his head towards his neck and shuddered the moment Enjolras placed his mouth there. He began to move his lips as slow as his hand, sucking and grazing his teeth against the tender crook.

 

Grantaire was making helpless noises beneath him and Enjolras began to move his hand higher and move faster. Grantaire moved his hand to Enjolras’ chest, searching for something to clasp onto and Enjolras leaned into his touch eagerly. Their breaths were hot and fast against each other, and each time Enjolras withdrew his mouth from Grantaire’s neck for a breath he made a tormenting whine that only served to further Enjolras’ own arousal.

 

A hand gripped at Enjolras’ wrist and he stilled his touch immediately.

 

“Enjolras.” Grantaire breathed, his eyes were shining with yearning and his chest heaving heavily. “Fuck me. _ Please _ ?”

 

Three words should not be able to have such a profound impact on a man, but they had. Enjolras was helpless.

 

Pressing his head to Grantaire’s chest he steadied his breath enough to reply. “Wait here.”

 

Departure it seemed, was hard on both of them. For the moment their bodies became undone from one another they seemed to elicit the same disappointed noise of want and anguish. As much as Enjolras wanted to stay and continue, his rationality overtook his passion, and he knew if they didn’t take precautions to be safe they’d both regret their fervor.

 

Hurrying to the bathroom he pulled the drawer under the sink open. Last year for Valentine's Day Courfeyrac had given all of his single friends a gag gift consisting of a ‘romantic starters pack’. Consisting of condoms, lube and of course; fluffy handcuffs.

 

Enjolras had never thought he’d open the damn thing, but now found himself exceptionally grateful that he’d accepted the gift. If he remembered correctly, he’d tried to give it back to Courfeyrac, if he’d succeeded in doing so he’d be in quite a predicament currently.

 

Leaving the handcuffs but taking the lubricant and one of the condoms, Enjolras impatiently ran back to the bed to find Grantaire propped up slightly on his elbows, waiting for him, his boxers discarded on the floor.

 

“Lay down.” Enjolras said softly, climbing back into the bed and kneeling over Grantaire. Placing the items to one side.

 

Grantaire did so, his curls bouncing slightly as his head hit the pillow. Enjolras took care to run his hands down Grantaire’s waist one more time, evoking another shiver. Placing his hands steadily on Grantaire’s hips he gently turned him over so that he was now on his stomach. 

 

He uncapped the bottle of lubricant, unsure of how much Grantaire was used to or was comfortable with he decided to be quite liberal with it, almost smothering three of his fingers.

 

He couldn’t see Grantaire’s face, as his thick hair was covering the side of it that wasn’t resting against the pillow. He reached his other hand out and stroked it out of his eyes, before running his fingertips through the back of it, settling there gently.

 

He moved his index finger towards Grantaire’s entrance. The cold touch of it sent goosebumps down Grantaire’s body as he shuddered in response. Enjolras began to tease it. Part of him shy and gaining courage to go further and the other part relishing in the desperate sounds that Grantaire was making of a pressure that wasn’t completely there.

 

“Enjolras,  _ please. _ ” Grantaire panted. He was sure it wasn’t supposed to sound like a beg but it had, and the depravity of his voice drove Enjolras to gently glide his finger into him. 

 

Grantaire made a grunting noise and Enjolras paused.

 

“Is this okay?” Enjolras asked, worried he’d hurt him.

 

“God, Enjolras.” Grantaire said through a small burst of laughter. “It’s more than okay.”

 

Relieved, Enjolras continued. Moving his finger slowly at first, pulling and pushing until Grantaire was moaning.

 

“More.” He groaned into the pillow. Heat had risen to his cheeks and he had began to sweat. Enjolras had an odd sensation flow through him as he added a second finger and began to move faster while Grantaire shuddered underneath him. He could get used to seeing him like this. He enjoyed seeing him like this. Depraved, moaning, saying his name as though it was a filthy word.

 

He added a third finger without warning, causing Grantaire to gasp out a sharp curse. Enjolras slowed his movements, watching Grantaire’s expressions change while he twisted them and pushed in and out again.

 

Enjolras couldn’t put off his own arousal much longer. He leaned down to Grantaire’s ear and whispered into it.

 

“I _ need t _ o fuck you.”    
  


“Do it.” Grantaire whispered back through gritted teeth. He wasn’t begging this time, he was demanding.

 

Enjolras slowly removed his fingers, before moving to position himself over Grantaire, ripping open the condom and unfurling carefully. Once more he uncapped the bottle and coated himself with a large amount. There was a moment of breathless anticipation between both of them, as Enjolras placed himself at Grantaire’s entrance, before he took in a breath and pushed himself in.

 

They both made different noises of relieved pleasure. Grantaire emitting a small noise from the back of his throat and Enjolras moaning above him.

 

He began to work up a slow and steady rhythm, taking note of the way Grantaire’s breath hitched the deeper he went. He cherished the sound, and slowed enough to press himself into Grantaire as much as he could.

 

“Ahh!” Came Grantaire’s surprised yelp. His fingers grasped fiercely at the sheets beneath him and Enjolras, taken in a moment of ecstasy, moved his hand down Grantaire’s forearm and clasped it tightly around Grantaire’s hand. Grantaire shifted the pressure from the sheets to Enjolras and squeezed his palm tight as Enjolras began to move faster within him.

 

It wasn’t long before he’d lost all sense of his surroundings and himself, and he was nothing but a thrusting, moaning wreck. Grantaire was swearing loudly in great succession before he called out Enjolras’ name against the pillow, Enjolras stilled and shuddered to his finish, slowing down his thrusts as he began to soften.

 

He collapsed upon his side, dragging Grantaire along with him, and reached his shaky hand around to grasp him. Grantaire was sweaty and still evidently hungry for more, and he only grew more so the faster Enjolras stroked him. It didn’t take long for him to reach his climax too.

 

They stayed pressed together, panting and recovering from their shakiness, before Enjolras realised he should probably move to pull himself out of Grantaire. He did so carefully, with a hand around the rim of the condom. Not wanting it to spill or fall. There were tissues on his nightstand, and Enjolras reached over Grantaire to bring them to the bed, before rolling onto his back and sitting up slightly. Taking the condom off carefully with a wince and wrapping it in tissues, before cleaning himself up too.

 

For the second time he headed to the bathroom, eager to throw the remainder away. This time he was determined not to look into the mirror. He didn’t like his chances of liking what he saw looking back at him.

 

“Wow.” Grantaire said once Enjolras had returned. His chest was still rising and falling heavily, and his hand was resting on his forehead, eyes glued to the ceiling in disbelief. “We just did that.”

 

“Yeah.” Enjolras said collapsing back into the bed with a sigh and a smile. “We did.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Enjolras saw Grantaire reach for his phone, his screen dimly lighting up the room in an unearthly blue glow as he opened it. 

 

“I have to go.” Grantaire said hurrying out of the bed and collecting his clothes.

 

Panic overcame Enjolras as he shot up onto his knees. “You don’t have to leave, you can stay later! The sun’s only just rising!”

 

“No it’s not-” Grantaire laughed suddenly. Pausing halfway through buttoning his jeans. “I’m not like running out on you or freaking out or whatever. I genuinely have to be at work in an hour.”

 

“Oh.” Enjolras said relaxing a little and sinking back into the bed. “Do you always work this early?”

 

“Just today. I only have to work until midday though so it makes up for it. Otherwise my schedule’s on the normal side. Old Hucheloup’s pretty flexible.”

 

Enjolras hummed a response, much calmer now that he knew Grantaire wasn’t leaving on account of what they’d done. He watched idly as Grantaire pulled his shirt over his chest and ran a hand through his hair. 

 

“Hey?” He stopped to turn to Enjolras, looking uncertain and nervous. “We’re good, right?”

 

Enjolras smiled at him. At the moment he was well past good. He was soaring.

 

“Of course we are.”

 

“We’re not like… Going to be weird with each other because of this, right? Because I like hanging out with you.”

 

“Grantaire, the last thing I want is to be weird around you. We’re good. More than good.” He rolled over onto his side resting his head in his palm. “I like hanging out with you, too.” 

 

Grantaire beamed at him in relief. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around then. Try and sleep a little longer before you go back to hitting the books, okay?” 

 

Enjolras let his head fall back onto the pillow with a brief mumble in the affirmative. He really was tired, but his bed suddenly didn’t feel right this empty. Grantaire was gone without another word, leaving Enjolras staring at the place he’d just been occupying. He wished for something.  _ Longed  _ for something. But he couldn’t put his finger on what.

 

Surely his physical need was more than satisfied by now- so why did he want him to come back?

* * *

Enjolras awoke to the obnoxious and blaring sound of his default ringtone. Groaning and wondering at what point in the night he’d switched it from it’s usual vibrate setting he answered without looking at the screen.

 

“Hello?” He asked groggily, face still half planted in the pillow.

 

“Well good morning to you too, sunshine!” The blindingly bright and cheerful voice of Courfeyrac filled his ears, and he bit back a groan of annoyance at the wake up call. “I have the books that you left in the bar last night. Did you want me to bring them over?” 

 

Enjolras used his free hand to rub the corner of his eye as he sat up and straightened. 

 

“Thank you.” He said through a yawn. “That would be great.”

 

Courfeyrac erupted into bubbly laughter. “You just rest your poor, pretty, hungover head, Enjolras. I’ll be there in ten.”

 

Enjolras frowned. “I’m not hungover. I’m just bad at waking up.”

 

“ _ Suuuuuuure _ you’re not.” Courfeyrac teased, laughing once more before saying goodbye and ending the call.

 

Enjolras stared at his lockscreen and realised that it was just past 11am- so much later than he was used to sleeping, and yet he still felt as though he needed more rest. Perhaps a late night of broken sleep with early morning interruptions had done him more harm than good.

 

Slowly crawling out of bed and barely comprehending what he was doing, he splashed a handful of water on his face and got changed. By the time he had woken up enough to run a comb briefly through his locks there was a happy knock on his door.

 

“Look who’s risen from the dead!” Courfeyrac said when he opened the door, handing over the an armful of books. “Wow, you  _ still  _ look wasted. What on earth did you get up to after I left?”

 

“Nothing. I didn’t do anything, and I told you. I’m not hungover.” Enjolras mumbled embarrassed before clearing his throat, eager to change the subject. “Coming in?”

 

Courfeyrac hovered on his tiptoes biting his lip uncertainly. He seemed to be scanning over Enjolras’ shoulder and Enjolras remembered something that Grantaire said from the night before.

 

“Ferre’s at work.” He said quickly. 

 

Courfeyrac visibly relaxed and followed him inside with a smile. Enjolras decided he needed to get to the bottom of this, the sooner the better. If anything, thinking of ways to talk to and help his friends was distracting him from having to think of Grantaire again. Something that was beginning to be a problem. From his dreams to the moment he’d been woken up his thoughts had been plagued with him.

 

“I feel like we haven’t had a chance to talk in forever.” Enjolras said trying to keep his tone casual and dumping his books on the coffee table and falling into the couch next to Courfeyrac. “Even last night, we mainly sang. What’s been going on?”

 

Courfeyrac narrowed his eyes slightly suspiciously before shrugging. “Nothing much. Just the usual, I guess.”

 

“You haven’t had the chance to give me your bi-weekly ‘I love Combeferre’ rant lately.”

 

Courfeyrac flinched suddenly. “What did he tell you?” 

 

“What? Nothing. Why? Did something happen?”

 

“Nothing happened.” Courfeyrac said, suddenly jumping up from the couch. “I have to go.”

 

“Courfeyrac-” Enjolras caught him just before he reached the door. “I don’t want to see you upset. Either of you. What’s going on.”

 

“It’s  _ fine _ .” Courfeyrac said sighing as he shrugged his arm out of Enjolras’ arm, frowning slightly. “It’s dumb.”

 

“It’s not dumb if it’s upsetting you.” Enjolras said matching his frown. “Look, Combeferre’s going to be home in about an hour, why don’t we all just sit down and-” 

 

He was cut off by a short and bitter laugh coming from Courfeyrac. “That is not happening. I have to go. Good luck with your studies.” He said in a very un-Courfeyrac like voice before hurrying out, closing Enjolras’ door behind him.

 

Enjolras was at a loss of what to do. But if Courfeyrac wasn’t talking then he had to rely on Combeferre. 

 

He decided that as soon as Combeferre was home he would discuss it with him. 

 

Sighing and running a hand through his hair, Enjolras made his way back to the couch. He’d been hoping to kill some of the more distracting thoughts in his mind with talking. Not only that but he had been wanting to ask Courfeyrac about him and Marius, specifically- how had they made it work?

 

Picking up his studies from where he’d left off with a sigh, he tried to soak up the words for the better part of an hour.

 

_ Politically fuelled propaganda, black market corruption, and billionaire rankings all coincide with society's signals of booms, busts, and protests- Grantaire, arching his back and moaning as Enjolras kissed his neck- Many issues arise when the people who have money decide that money is the most powerful tool- His curls sprawled across Enjolras’ pillow, the feel of his hand on his chest-  _ __ _ European prime ministers and international dictators, emirs and kings, celebrities and aristocrats- Grantaire, Grantaire, Grantaire- _

 

Enjolras snapped the book shut in frustration. This was going nowhere. He was clearly still frustrated and berated himself for thinking that sex could do anything but distract him. The thought that it could actually have the opposite effect and de-stress him seemed ludicrous now.

 

He threw the book down in defeat and paced the apartment until he found himself back in his bedroom, staring at the damning evidence of everything that occurred earlier. He went to grab the wastebasket from his bathroom, reasoning that if he couldn’t study he could at least clean up a little. There were bundled tissues and the two discarded condom wrappers littering his floor. He was halfway done when he spotted it, lying half open on the floor against his night stand.

 

Grantaire’s wallet.

 

Abandoning his task he picked it up, an odd curiosity taking hold of him. He was half tempted to rifle through it but stopped himself, jumping slightly as he heard the front door open.

 

“Enjolras, are you home?” Combeferre called out.

 

Coming out of the bedroom he found Combeferre in the kitchen, his dark blue peacoat undone and thrown over his hospital scrubs. He gave Enjolras a kind smile.

 

“I’m glad to see you got home safely. Did Grantaire keep his promise and take you?”

 

“Yeah.” Enjolras said. A need was growing within him once more, and a strange urgency to see Grantaire again was taking hold of him. He doubted it had much to do with returning the wallet. “He actually ended up staying the night. I didn’t want him going home alone that late.”

 

“Sensible.” Combeferre replied with an approving nod. “Hey, do you still have that book I lent you a few weeks ago?”

 

“It’s in my room somewhere. Should be on the bookcase- I’m sorry Combeferre, I have to go. He left his wallet here and I should return it.”

 

“Oh. Okay then.” Combeferre sounded surprised but didn’t question him further. Enjolras remembered that he’d wanted to ask him about Courfeyrac, but at the moment he couldn’t stop himself from moving towards the door.

 

“Can we talk when I get back?” Enjolras asked at the door.

 

“Of course.” Combeferre was frowning now, and a deep worried line appeared in the middle of his brow. 

 

Enjolras didn’t have time to placate him. His feet were already carrying him down the hallways steps and out the door. He didn’t have a plan, all he knew was that this morning had not been and would not be enough for him. Having no idea if Grantaire felt even remotely the same way was making his stomach twist in horrible anticipation. Knowing that what he was going to ask him was risky and potentially friendship ruining, he felt a stab of doubt in the back of his mind. Maybe his selfish desire should just be left at that- a desire and nothing more. Perhaps asking Grantaire for more was akin to feeding a tamed lion; each time he put his hand through the cage there was a thrilling sense of danger and excitement, and the sense that it could suddenly all go horribly wrong. 

 

His feet had found his way to the street that Grantaire resided on in no time, and before he had a chance to rehearse the words he wanted to say he spotted him, rustling in his pocket for his keys outside of the apartment complex.

 

“Grantaire!” Enjolras called out before he could stop himself, he also couldn’t stop the wide smile that spread to his face at the sight of him.

 

Looking slightly startled to see Enjolras there, Grantaire smiled nevertheless. Enjolras broke into a brisk jog to catch up to him.

 

“You left this behind.” He said slightly out of breath when he finally reached him.

 

“Oh!” Grantaire said, sounding even more surprised than he looked, taking the wallet from him before giving Enjolras a slightly sideways smirk. “Is it bad that I didn’t even realise it was missing?”

 

Enjolras was laughing nervously, despite there being no joke. What was wrong with him? He had never found himself tongue tied or so oddly self aware like this before.

 

“Did you want to come up?” Grantaire asked, and Enjolras felt a small burst of validation that he was doing the right thing when he heard the small hint of hopefulness behind the question.

 

“Sure!” He said enthusiastically, but not too much so. He was overanalyzing everything he was doing and saying, and God what was he doing with his hands? Were they usually just so useless at his side like this when he talked?

 

Grantaire was saying something to him as they walked up to the floor his apartment was on, and Enjolras was trying to pay attention, he really was- but the sound of Grantaire’s voice was more intriguing than the words he was actually saying and Enjolras found himself oh so lost within it. 

 

“-But I guess that’s expected from somebody who orders 20 euros worth of coffee every Tuesday.”

 

“Yeah.” Enjolras let out a short laugh, unsure of what he was agreeing with. 

 

They had reached Grantaire’s door and he let them in with haste. They made their way into Grantaire’s living room and both stopped there, awkward and unsure of what to do next.

 

“I kinda have a confession to make.” Grantaire said rubbing the nape of his neck and smiling sheepishly at Enjolras. “I may have had an ulterior motive inviting you up.

 

Feeling his heart sing and his courage rise Enjolras smiled back at him.

 

“I may have had an ulterior motive coming here.”

 

Grantaire looked at him happily for what seemed to be a very long time. “You say what you wanted to do first.” He said. Despite the fact that they both seemed to have an unspoken understanding of what they wanted, Grantaire seemed unwilling or unable to say it aloud himself.

 

Enjolras swallowed hard. “I want to have sex with you, again. Regularly. On a casual basis if that’s okay with you.” He was watching him intensely, careful not to miss a single reaction that Grantaire may have.

 

Grantaire seemed to be considering something, and for a second Enjolras’ heart stopped with the fear that maybe their unspoken understanding hadn’t actually been an understanding at all. Maybe Grantaire hadn’t even been thinking of what Enjolras was thinking of.

 

Before Enjolras could overthink it too much Grantaire nodded and graced him with another smile. 

 

“I’d like that too.” He said in a low tone. Enjolras was too happy and Grantaire too skilled at being guarded for him to pick up on the disappointed undertone in his voice.

 

“Listen, if we’re going to do this I think we should set some boundaries.” Enjolras said. Truthfully he hadn’t thought this far. Too worried over Grantaire’s reaction to think over what he was going to say if he said yes.

 

Grantaire nodded and licked his lips. Enjolras felt another urge overtake him as he did so. He wanted nothing more but to cross the room and take his lips in his own. But the thought panicked him slightly, it seemed much too intimate an action to permit himself to do.

 

“We don’t kiss.” He said before he could stop the words coming out. 

 

Grantaire looked up at him in surprise. “Okay? Any reason why?”

 

Enjolras faltered. “It’s… Weird. It would feel too personal.”

 

At that Grantaire laughed. “You’ve literally had your dick in my ass but kissing is too personal.” Before Enjolras could try to rationalise his thinking or backtrack, Grantaire continued. “That’s fine. What else?”

 

“I don’t want anybody to know. If our friends find out they’re going to be absolutely unbearable.”

 

“We’re on the same page there.” Grantaire said with an enthusiastic nod. “I don’t even want to think of the conclusions they could jump to.”

 

Enjolras thought that Grantaire sounded a little worried, which led Enjolras to a third improvised point.

 

“This is just physical. Nothing else.”

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire said with a small smile as he buried his hands deep within his coat pockets. “I got that. Don’t worry.”

 

“That’s all I have.” Enjolras said running an awkward hand through his hair. “Unless you wanted to add something?”

“Nothing comes to mind.” Grantaire said with a shrug, he paused for a moment. “So… Now what?”

Enjolras gave him an alluring smile and raised his eyebrows.

Which is how they had found themselves pressed together, Grantaire pinned against his living room wall, their breaths catching slightly. 

_ It had just kind of happened.  _

This time when they had finished there was no panic, nobody was gathering their clothes in a rush and nobody was leaving. They lazily took their time to get redressed, Enjolras sitting with his back against the wall he’d just had Grantaire on. Pulling on his boots as Grantaire pulled his shirt over his head. 

There was something oddly peaceful about the aftermath that Enjolras wanted to savour. 

Unfortunately it was rudely interrupted by the unmistakable click of a lock being turned. Grantaire’s shoulders tensed as he hissed out a sharp. “ _ Shit _ . She’s home.”

Enjolras scrambled to his feet, reacting to Grantaire’s tone without knowing what the problem was.

“People are the worst!” Eponine’s disgruntled tone cut through Enjolras’ blissful daze. “Remind me never to be one.”

She stopped suddenly at the sight of Enjolras, keys still in her hand, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

“What are you doing here?” She asked bluntly.

“I left my wallet behind, last night,” Grantaire said before Enjolras could reply. “Enjolras was just dropping it off.”

Enjolras never really got along with Eponine. More for the fact that he could never read her than any actual problem they had with each other. Enjolras liked to know exactly where he stood with people, and Eponine took good care to never reveal herself completely. They both had strong personalities, and if it weren’t for the fact that he was incredibly stubborn in his convictions as she was terrifying in her guardedness, he had a strange feeling that they’d actually get along quite well. Problem was, neither of them were capable of pushing that to one side.

“I’ve told you a million times to get a chain for that thing.” Eponine called behind her shoulder as she made her way into the kitchen.

“And I’ve told  _ you _ a million times that 2005 called, and even in 2005 they knew that wallet chains were tacky.”

“Tacky is a small price to pay for not losing your shit everytime you go out.” 

“At least I don’t lose my clothes every time I go out.” Grantaire bit back in a joking tone.

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Eponine said as she made her way back into the living room, carrying a small bottle of coke. “You’re even more of a slut than I am.”

“Therefore rendering a wallet chain completely useless if the pants are just going to get lost anyway.” Grantaire said, victory in his tone.

Enjolras let out a small laugh only to quiet under Eponine’s watching tone. Somehow he had a strange feeling that just by looking at him, she knew.

“I’m going to head home.” He said quickly.

“Alright.” 

Grantaire walked him over to the door. “That rule about not telling people includes roommates, you know.” Enjolras said quietly once they’d reached it.

“Yeah I figured.” Grantaire said. “But I have a feeling that’s going to be a bit hard to keep up. Especially considering Combeferre’s way too nosy for his own good and the walls in my place are as thin as rice paper.”

“We’ll figure something out.” Enjolras said. Despite the fact he had nothing else to say he didn’t want to leave. “I’ll see you around, I guess.” 

“Just text me whenever you want to do this again.” Grantaire said with a smile that hit Enjolras like the first ray of Summer’s sun. 

Departing from Grantaire’s and making his way home, Enjolras felt the spring come back into his step. He felt oddly light as he floated along in a happy euphoria. There was something intoxicating about what they were doing and Enjolras was wayward and disoriented with everything about Grantaire. He didn’t feel like anything could kick him off his cloud nine, until he opened his apartment door to find Combeferre sitting on his armchair, waiting for Enjolras.

He remembered with a cold ache that there was still something he had to fix between Combeferre and Courfeyrac. No matter how much he wanted to keep this ecstatic and floaty feeling alive, his friends’ happiness was much more important.

“You wanted to talk.” Combeferre stated. The book that he’d lent Enjolras was resting on his lap, he must have gotten it from Enjolras’ room whilst he was out.

“Yes.” Enjolras said shaking himself out of his own thoughts and sitting across from Combeferre.

“Are we talking about the fact that you and Grantaire are sleeping together?” Combeferre asked him plainly.

 


	2. Break my Bed to Make me Want to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras discovers a few new revelations, and a few new kinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I want to apologise for my long absence. I was very sick for the last month with an awful lung infection and I'm only just now feeling better. I also had a few personal things I had going on. But thank you for your patience. Your lovely comments and kudos gave me so much inspiration to fight through it and write!
> 
> Secondly, this chapter title is taken from "Say It" By Flume. I was originally going to use lyrics from one song thought the whole fic but I've changed my mind. :)
> 
> Thirdly- My wonderful, gorgeous and incredible beta deserves mega props. Thank you so much Sara!

The strangely wistful bubble that had been surrounding Enjolras had suddenly burst upon hearing Combeferre’s words. He felt as though a bucket of cold water had been thrown onto his back, sending every nerve ending in his body tingling and on edge.

 

“I.. What?” Enjolras sputtered. He had to buy himself some time, think of some excuse, find a way out of this horrible conversation. “What makes you think that?”

 

“Well for one thing,” Combeferre said leaning back slightly in his chair. “My bed, although completely free last night, remained untouched, and we both know that nobody can sleep on the poor excuse we have for a couch.”

 

Enjolras could feel himself growing hot, and hastily pushed the sleeves of his shirt up his forearms. Lying about Grantaire sleeping on the couch was completely out of the question. The last time Jehan, who was much smaller than Grantaire, had tried to do so, they had ended up walking home in the middle of the night instead. Comparing the comfort to that of a bed of nails.

 

“You weren’t home. It’s not like I had permission to use your bed or anything.” Enjolras was not comfortable being on the defensive, and felt much more at home when he was on the attack, but Combeferre was unrelenting as he continued on as though he didn’t hear Enjolras. 

 

“You’ve never let anybody crash in your bed.”

 

“It was late! He wasn’t exactly sober. I thought you’d be happy that he was safe. Not interrogating me!”

 

“Fine. But you were just ‘going to return his wallet’, so why were you were gone for two hours.”

 

“We were  _ talking. _ ” Enjolras scoffed. “I think you’ve been watching way too many British detective shows.”

 

Combeferre paused and eyed Enjolras carefully, as though giving him an opportunity to come clean before he came to his last point. Enjolras merely continued to look at him defiantly, daring him to continue and Combeferre sighed, rubbing his eyes behind his glasses.

 

“I saw the condom wrappers in your room, Enjolras.”

 

“I- Shit.”

 

The cold sensation in his nerves was replaced with white hot guilt, and Enjolras ran a hand through his hair, his fingers catching slightly on a tangle. He withdrew them and instead ran them down his face.

 

He should have known this would all fall apart.

 

“Enjolras.” Combeferre said, his voice straining slightly in frustration. “I’m not judging you. I just really hope you know what you’re doing.”

 

“What do you mean?” Enjolras said lifting his face from his hands.

 

Combeferre scoffed. “Come on, Enjolras. This is Grantaire we’re talking about.”

 

“And?”

 

Combeferre said nothing in reply. Merely looked intensely at Enjolras over his glasses which had slid down to almost the tip of his nose. 

 

“I’m not- This hasn’t got anything to do with- I’m not in love with Grantaire. This is purely a physical thing.”

 

“Sure, Jan.”

 

Enjolras blinked at him. “What?”

 

Combeferre sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I just don’t think this is such a good idea.”

 

“Where is this all coming from? And since when do you care what people do in their personal lives.”

 

“Not people, Enjolras. _ You _ . I just don’t want to see my friends getting hurt.” Combeferre rose from his chair and began to make his way over to where Enjolras was sitting.

 

“Does this have something to do with Courfeyrac?” Enjolras said, half out of wanting to change the subject away from this topic- far, far away. The other half of him was genuinely concerned.

 

Combeferre froze. “Courfeyrac?” He asked in a guarded tone.

 

“Yes. Courfeyrac. You’ve both been acting strange lately and he practically ran out of here when I asked him about you this morning.”

 

Combeferre walked back towards his armchair, his journey to Enjolras seemingly forgotten as he leaned against the armrest. 

 

“I hadn’t thought you’d noticed,” He said quietly.

 

“I hadn’t.” Enjolras said honestly. “But then Gra- somebody pointed it out to me and Courfeyrac wouldn’t talk to me about it, and he talks about everything.”

 

Combeferre was quiet for a long time. His brow was furrowed as though in deep contemplation, but Enjolras knew the telltale signs his friend had when he was at battle with his own mind. He was clasping his hands so tight that he could see the whites of his knuckles.

 

“We kind of… We slept together.” Combeferre said, refusing to look anywhere but the carpet beneath his feet.

 

Enjolras was taken aback. He had been expecting a number of things but he hadn’t been expecting that.

 

“When?” Enjolras blurted out, despite their being a multitude of questions running through his mind this seemed to be the only one he could ask aloud.

 

“2 weeks ago.” Combeferre’s voice was low and regretful. “You were in a class.”

 

“Wait… You- It happened here?” Enjolras shook his head. There were more important questions to ask than this. “Why isn’t that a good thing? That’s what you wanted right?”

“In a way, I guess.” He sighed, playing with the hem of his sleeve. “But as it turns out that’s all that he wanted.”

 

“What do you mean?” Enjolras asked confused. 

 

For two whole years, Enjolras could recall Courfeyrac saying he wanted many things with Combeferre. But the things he wanted the most were frequent date nights and snuggling in something he liked to call ‘sweater weather’.

 

“He just- He wanted… It happened and then we were lying there and I thought that things were good, you know? Like I thought, here’s my best friend and my whole world lying next to me and he also happens to feel the same way about me... Or so I thought. Then he starts going on and on about how good _ friends _ we are and how much he loves being my  _ friend _ , and how he’s looking forward to doing this again and I just can’t. I can’t  _ do _ that Enjolras. I can’t just be his friend who sleeps with him.” Combeferre took a long, drawn out breath. His head hanging low. “That’s not what I wanted at all.”

 

Enjolras was quiet for a while. None of this was making sense to him given how many times he’d heard Courfeyrac complain about wanting to be so much more than friends. It was within the possibilities that Courfeyrac would panic and say something damning in the aftermath of such an event. But Enjolras believed that he was far more likely to blurt out ‘I love you’ than to lie and cause Combeferre pain. There was definitely something amiss.

 

“Did he actually say outright that he just wanted to be your friends with… You know.”

 

“He didn’t have to,” Combeferre said, the sorrow in his voice turning to spite. “And I didn’t want to hear it. I just told him to leave.”

 

Now things were beginning to make more sense. He knew there was no way Courfeyrac would have asked that of Combeferre. But in order for Combeferre to believe him he would need to talk to Courfeyrac, who was probably just as hurt and confused at the moment.

 

_ Why can’t people just communicate like adults _ . Enjolras thought with a huff of annoyance. He quickly pushed thought away though, instead focusing on the empathy he felt for Combeferre.

 

“I’m sorry.” Enjolras made his way over and wrapped Combeferre in a hug. Until he had time to fix this properly, his friend would have to settle for simple words of comfort.

 

Combeferre let out a shaky sigh. “What are you going to do?”

 

“What do you mean?” Enjolras asked. Surely Combeferre didn’t already know that he was forming a plan to get him and Courfeyrac in the same room together. 

 

“About Grantaire.” Combeferre said with exasperation.

 

“Oh.” Enjolras said frowning. “I’m sorry Ferre. I know you’re hurt right now but these are two completely different situations. It’s not like that for Grantaire and I, and it’s never going to be. I can understand why you can’t do that with Courfeyrac. But with us, there’s no feelings involved. You don’t have to worry about me getting hurt.”

 

Combeferre looked at him for a long time, his expression tired and pained. Enjolras braced himself for an argument, but none came. Instead, Combeferre merely stood up and began to make his way towards his bedroom.

 

“If you say so, Enjolras.”

* * *

Focusing was slightly easier now. Enjolras’ mind was so clouded with worry about his friends that it was as though it was begging for a distraction in the form of studying. His stubborn tenacity seemed to have returned with unbridled vengeance, and although there was an unscratchable itch ebbing beneath the surface that seemed to scream Grantaire’s name at the slightest lapse in concentration, he resisted the urge to reach out to him.

 

After all, he had an argumentative essay to write and an exam tomorrow. Essay’s he could usually complete with relative ease but exams made him chew at the edge of his thumb until it was raw red and numb. Every hour that edged closer made him brim with tenseness and anxiety. 

 

Enjolras didn’t sleep well that night. Everytime he’d teeter on the edge of slumber his eyes would snap open and he’d be wrapped in a panicked paranoia that he’d forgotten to write down something urgent, and desperately check his notes to make sure he’d included what he hadn’t actually forgotten. His bed was cold and all of a sudden seemed too big for just himself, and his thoughts were consumed with apprehension and uncertainty. Tossing and turning and worrying and overthinking called for a long night and an uneasy morning.

 

By the time his exam was over he couldn’t handle it anymore. 

**_Me:_ **

 

_ Free 2night? _

  
  


It was such a simple message, and yet his slightly shaky fingers hovered hesitantly over the send button. 

 

Should he be more obvious? Should he try to flirt? Should he add an emoticon or an emoji? (He was never good with those).

 

It was hard to admit but for once in his life he was completely lost within a maze of social cues and expectations.

 

Courfeyrac had told him that digital smiley faces weren’t supposed to have noses, Bahorel had laughed once and told him that nobody used numbers in place of letters anymore, but he’d never cared before when people had made fun of his inability to text like a normal millennial. So why was he now overthinking things just because the recipient was Grantaire?

 

He pushed the question far to the back of his mind. Not wanting or not quite ready for the answer his traitorous brain in the mocking sound of Ferre’s ‘I told you so’ voice was so willing to supply. In the end he made an executive decision to send the message as it was. 

 

There wasn’t a lot of time to angst over his digital faux pas’ however, as Grantaire’s reply was almost instantaneous. 

 

**Grantaire:**

 

_ I’m always free. It’s one of the many benefits of living in France. _

_ 3:37PM _

 

Enjolras barely had time to breath out a slightly shaky laugh before the second text came through. He had no idea how anybody could type that quickly. It took him a good 10 minutes to type a paragraph.

 

**Grantaire:**

 

_ No but seriously I’m free rn. _

_ 3:38PM _

 

An air of excitement rushed through him and his stomach dropped in a mix of nervousness and eagerness. The only issue was that he was at a loss of what to ask for next, or how to ask for it. Before he could drive himself into a frenzy a third text buzzed at his fingers.

 

**Grantaire:**

 

_ Did you want to come over? _

_ 3:40PM _

 

Relieved and thankful for the easy out Enjolras typed back as quickly as he could.

 

**Me:**

 

_ I can b over in 15? R u alone? _

_ 3:42PM _

 

**Grantaire:**   
  


No Enjolras. I’m in the middle of an orgy. There’s tons of people here.

3:43PM

 

**Grantaire:**   
  


Course I’m alone. Ep wont be coming home tonight either :)   
3:43PM.

 

Slightly more at ease, Enjolras pushed a relieved breath out and began the walk over to Grantaire’s. 

 

Usually the effects of spring were lost on him. The turning of the seasons only evident by the change of temperature. It seemed now, as he walked briskly down the street that his eyes were suddenly opening to the small details Jehan spent explaining in his many poetry books. Happy that the worst for today was over and his evening was just about to get better, he couldn’t help but feel as though the streets, the sky, the city; everything was brighter.

 

As he reached Grantaire’s building and pushed Grantaire’s number on the intercom outside, he felt another wave of self consciousness crash over him. He never quite knew what to say over these things, and every time he announced himself to somebody who was expecting his company it seemed strange and forced. Thankfully, Grantaire buzzed him inside without commentary, and Enjolras took the steps two at a time before reaching his doorway. 

 

Taking a moment to catch his breath, he made a futile attempt to flatten his hair slightly. 

 

Standing in front of Grantaire’s door was simultaneously exhilarating and nerve wracking. He was incredibly self aware, and the shortness in his breath had nothing to do with the climb he’d just taken.

 

He raised his hand to the door, ready to knock, but before he had a chance to, the door swung wide open causing him to jump slightly. Grantaire and Enjolras looked at each other for a brief moment; Enjolras’ hand still raised awkwardly, ready to knock on the door that Grantaire was holding open. They laughed nervously at each other. It was comforting to Enjolras that Grantaire was just as keen and nervous as he was. 

 

It calmed a ridiculous paranoia he had.

 

Grantaire made a dramatic flush of his hands, inviting Enjolras inside, a strange sense of deja vu hitting him as he followed him into the living room. 

 

The last time he was here he had been so invested in the question he was putting forward to Grantaire that he hadn’t taken in many details of his apartment. It was as though he’d been here in a surreal dream; there had been Grantaire in a bare living room and nothing else. Now however he noticed the dog eared penguin books stacked on the couch’s armrest, the dusty typewriter in the corner of the room with several keys missing, and the pleasant and slightly overpowering smell of coffee and caramel. Taking in the rest of his surroundings, Enjolras noticed something familiar in the corner of the room, and was charmed to recognise the small stack of old rally posters Grantaire had saved and tucked behind a mug filled coffee table.

 

“Did you want something to drink?” Grantaire asked from the kitchen, his voice snapping Enjolras out of his wandering thoughts. 

 

“I’m fine, thank you.”

 

There was a pause long enough for the silence to be evident to them both. Enjolras, despite his eagerness, had no idea how to proceed. He supposed usually people would start with kissing and what happened next would feel natural. But he had embargoed that act, and now, seeing Grantaire bite his lip and obviously feeling as at a loss as he was, he was sincerely regretting that lapse of judgement.

 

“Okay,” Grantaire said, letting out a nervous chuckle and rubbing the nape of his neck. “I don’t really know how to say this in a smoother way than this, so I’m just going to say it. Did you want to go to my bedroom?”

 

Enjolras shot him a relieved smile. “ _ Please. _ ”

 

Grantaire’s bedroom was an enigma to Enjolras. He’d never been in it before and he didn’t exactly know what to expect. 

 

It was a normal room by most standards, only certain aspects stood out to Enjolras that made it more Grantaire. A splatter of paint stains and coffee rings on his bedside table, a small pile of broken paintbrushes hoarded in a pile by the window, and a rather ugly and (Enjolras had to assume) ironic painting of a brightly coloured unicorn framed by his bed. 

 

He was sure if he had a chance to look properly he would be able to find much more uniquely Grantaire things around the place, but at the moment he was distracted by Grantaire himself. 

 

Sitting on the edge of the bed and inviting Enjolras to do the same, he was obviously slightly nervous. A fact that made Enjolras feel calmer. With his newfound calmness he felt a sudden burst of confidence, and made a move. Grantaire responded enthusiastically. Making Enjolras quiver at the slightest touch. They got to the point quickly, Enjolras having too much of a build up of nerves to properly take his time with foreplay.

 

Grantaire had no complaints, if anything he encouraged Enjolras’ quick touches and rough movements. Every time either of them would withdraw their touch or taste, a temptation to return the sensation of both gripped them tighter. 

 

By the time they both finished they were exhausted, and collapsed breathlessly upon Grantaire’s bed.

 

Enjolras was feeling as though he was coming out of a dream. Grantaire’s heart was still beating so fast, and he knew this because his head was lying nonchalantly on his chest. He felt as though, since this started, something had been connected and pieces were falling in place. The only issue was he didn’t know what the pieces were yet. At least that’s what he told himself as he let his eyes close and the rhythm of Grantaire’s heartbeat lull him to sleep.

* * *

 

There was a hand in his hair and it was twirling his curls gently. The movement was so relaxing and inviting that Enjolras kept his eyes closed, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt this at peace. He could have easily fallen back to sleep if it weren’t for a soft hum that Grantaire was musing. The tune sounded old and vaguely familiar, and although Enjolras was wrapped within a peaceful bliss, he knew this moment was not one he should allow himself to get used to.

 

“Sorry.” Enjolras said, pushing his hair back, already lamenting the withdrawal of his touch. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”

 

Grantaire was looking at him so softly, as though he was also on the edge of sleep. 

 

“I really don’t mind.” He said with a slight smile, rolling onto his side and resting his head on his palm. “You can sleep here if you want. I told you, Eponine’s not coming back tonight.”

 

Enjolras wanted nothing more than to lie back onto Grantaire’s bed and feel his fingers in his hair again, but he had a fear that he was crossing some kind of unspoken line, and Combeferre’s words were still fresh in his mind. 

 

“I don’t think I can.” He said, reluctantly swinging his legs over the bed. “I should get back to studying.”

 

“Wow. Never thought I’d be cockblocked by a textbook.” Grantaire said with a soft chuckle, and again, he reminded himself and cemented in his mind that this was only about sex for the both of them. “Didn’t you _ just _ have a test?”

 

“I did.” Enjolras said with a sigh. His feet were touching the floor, his clothes were within his reach, but he made no move to get up or to grab them. “It feels like it’s a never ending assault of test after test. Between exams and my internship, tomorrow’s my only free day for a week.”

 

“Are you alright?” Grantaire asked, sitting up and pushing the blanket to one side.

 

“I’m fine.” Enjolras said surprised. “Why do you ask?”

 

“Well I’ve never seen you talk about tomorrow with less enthusiasm than little orphan Annie.” 

 

“I’m studying for an exam, Grantaire. I know this is probably hard for you to believe but it’s not exactly my idea of a good time.”

 

“So, there  _ is  _ something wrong.” Grantaire said frowning. “I thought you liked studying this stuff?”

 

Enjolras rolled his eyes. “Is everybody an amateur detective these days?”

 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Grantaire chuckled. “Who else is walking around the streets of Paris with a trench coat and magnifying glass?”

 

Enjolras remembered suddenly that he had been too distracted earlier, and telling Grantaire about Combeferre’s revelation had completely slipped his mind.

 

“Combeferre figured it out.” He said looking at him gravely. 

 

To his surprise however, Grantaire visibly relaxed.

 

“That’s a relief. ‘Cause ‘Ponine knew what was going on about two seconds after she came home the other day.”

 

“What?! How?” 

 

Grantaire shrugged. “Look, I’m not going to repeat what she said. She doesn’t exactly sugarcoat things, but the gist of it is we’re not so great at getting rid of evidence and akin to a certain barnyard animal.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Enjolras asked exasperated. 

 

Making this mistake once and having one person know was half excusable and only because it was Combeferre. But making it twice? And now Eponine knew? What if she told Marius, and Marius would tell Courfeyrac, and Courfeyrac would tell everybody and before Enjolras could even figure out what had happened, everybody would be asking him questions he didn’t want to answer.

 

“Well, you only just told me about Combeferre. Now both of our roommates know. Which- when you think about it, is probably for the better. Call it even?”

 

Enjolras took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair.

 

“Look, Enjolras,” Grantaire shifted closer to him on the bed. “She’s not going to tell anybody. Eponine’s good. I know she likes to pretend that she doesn’t have any morals but the one thing she doesn’t do is snitch on her friends.”

 

Enjolras considered this. He supposed, after a while that it was no different to Combeferre knowing, and although he definitely couldn’t say he was close to Eponine, he knew that she was stubbornly loyal. Even to the point of annoyance at times.

 

“It’s fine.” He said finally pushing out a sigh. “I mean, you’re right. It’s probably best that they know now and don’t… You know accidentally come home early or something… It’s just-”

 

“I know. One of your rules.” Grantaire said with a slanted smile. He was looking at Enjolras with a strange expression. If Enjolras didn’t know better he would have called it adoration. It was making him want to break another rule. Instead Enjolras tore his eyes away. 

 

“I should get going.”

 

“What kind of test do you have?”.

 

Enjolras pushed out a sigh. “Contemporary political theory.”

 

Grantaire let out a low whistle. 

 

“No wonder you’re not looking forward to it. Just the name alone almost put me to sleep.”

 

“It’s actually quite an interesting subject. Probably my favourite from this semester. It’s got a lot of different elements.”

 

Grantaire was wearing a very confused expression.

 

“What?” Enjolras asked.

 

“Nothing. It’s none of my business.”

 

“No, seriously what?”

 

“Well…” Grantaire hesitated. “If it’s your favourite subject, why are you looking like the prospect of studying it is akin to facing a firing squad?”

 

“I don’t know…” 

 

Except that Enjolras  _ did _ know. It had been bugging him for the last few months. Latching onto the back of his mind and plaguing his thoughts with worry and doubt. Grantaire was looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue, and reluctantly, he did so. 

 

“I guess, lately it just seems like everything I do I’m just going through the motions. I mean don’t get me wrong I still love doing things for the ABC, but even then it doesn’t feel like it used to. It’s like I can’t get excited about anything anymore. And that feels really awful because I want to be excited for these things, you know? I love the ABC, I love what I’m studying. I don’t want to quit. But at the same time it’s like… Why doesn’t this feel the same way it used to? Maybe I’m wasting my time. Where’s the love I used to put into these things? Has it gone? Is it ever going to come back or am I just doing these things because I made them my things and now they’re expected of me? I don’t think I am but I just don’t understand why everything feels so empty to me now.”

 

Enjolras hesitantly looked towards Grantaire, expecting him to be confused or worried or even smug. But Grantaire only gave him a sad smile that told Enjolras everything that he needed to know.

 

Grantaire understood.

 

“Listen.” He said clearing his throat and edging his way closer to Enjolras, placing a tentative but comforting hand on his thigh. The warmth of which was more than welcome. “I’m going to tell you something that nobody ever told me; you’re in a gap.”

 

Enjolras looked at him confused. “A gap?”

 

“Yes, a gap. Or a block. Or you’ve hit a wall. Whatever you want to call it, you’re stuck between your starting point and where you need to go. You’ve done all the things you need to do to get to where you have to be, but you’re not completely _ there _ yet, not really. There’s still so much higher that you can go. But even you, with all of your stubborn passion, probably won’t get there for a while. So you’re in a gap.

 

“For a while it’s going to feel like you’re not moving forward at all, or you’re running through the motions, or progress is so slow moving it feels like there’s none there. But that’s okay. You just told me that you still want to do this. Just that is enough. You don’t have to feel inspired or impassioned. Just wanting to continue doing this is enough. You’re not in an incredibly pivotal point of your accomplishments right now, you’re just in the middle of them. And that’s perfectly fine because to get to the important part, you have to go through the gap. It’s not supposed to feel exciting all the time- if it did, it would never feel exciting.” 

 

Grantaire paused frowning. “Am I making any sense right now or was that just the usual unintelligible garbage I spew?”

 

“No, I think... That actually helps.” Enjolras said, meaning every word. He felt the heaviness in his chest alleviate slightly. Thinking of it as though it was laid out to him on a timeline made sense, and was surprisingly comforting. “How do you know about this?”

 

“Well, I was in my gap a few years ago. Around the time I quit uni. I thought I was supposed to feel super inspired all the time in order to be doing well. But life doesn’t work that way, and I wish somebody had told me about this before I left because you don’t actually get that momentum back by quitting. You just feel kind of lost.”

 

Enjolras felt a pang of sympathy for Grantaire. “Thank you for telling me.” He said quietly.

 

“Don’t mention it.” Grantaire replied. “And you know if you need somebody to help you study I’d be happy to volunteer.”

 

“Really?” Enjolras wasn’t opposed to asking for help, but he felt as though his friends were all so busy with their own lives lately that he had been putting it off indefinitely. “I’d appreciate that a lot.”

 

“Of course. It’s not like I’m doing anything meaningful with my spare time anyway.” Grantaire cocked his head slightly, a smirk spreading across his face as he began to move his hand up Enjolras’ thigh. “Maybe we could even work out some kind of reward system based off your merit.”

 

Enjolras could feel his cheeks flush and moved quickly to turn away, grabbing his clothes from the bedroom floor. Grantaire laughed lightheartedly, laying back down onto the bed. As Enjolras pulled his shirt over his head he tried to imagine Grantaire studying. It was certainly a strange image. Perhaps if he’d known Grantaire better whilst he was still at school it wouldn’t be so hard to picture.

 

Thinking about this made his thoughts wander back to a time where they had a huge distance between them. Enjolras never wanted to be back at that point. Even now he felt as though there was so much more of a distance to bridge, and so much more to learn about Grantaire.

 

Picking up his shoulderbag, Enjolras hesitated at Grantaire’s bedroom door. “What would you have done, anyway?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“If you finished your degree. What would you have done with it?”

 

Enjolras hadn’t really been expecting an answer. He knew Grantaire was more likely to shrug the question off, or make an uncommitted and self deprecating joke but instead he looked away slightly and bashfully rubbed the nape of his neck. The words that came out of Grantaire sounded distant and airy and not at all like his own.

 

“I would have opened my own gallery.” 

* * *

 

Enjolras barely felt the cool breeze that nipped at the tip of his ears, or heard the faint sound of sirens on the street beside him, his mind was too muddled and messy. 

 

There was a small amount of guilt lodged at the back of his throat. There were a lot of words running through his mind, and they all seemed to be echoing in Grantaire’s voice. It was a rare moment of weakness he had, opening up like that to Grantaire. Those thoughts were usually reserved for sleepless, anxious nights. Enjolras was used to bottling and compartmentalising his worries and reserving them for just himself, yet the strange thing was it had come out so easily and freely. In fact it felt good to talk about it, and more importantly; it felt good to talk about it with Grantaire.

 

Enjolras was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost walked straight past his apartment complex.

 

He found Combeferre asleep in his armchair when he let himself in; still clothed in his scrubs and glasses dangling off his nose. Enjolras looked at him sadly. Whatever misguided misunderstanding Courfeyrac had caused he knew it had to be fixed. Even if it meant dragging them kicking and screaming back together. 

 

Kneeling beside the armchair, Enjolras gently nudged his shoulder. 

 

“Ferre. Come on, it’s time for bed.”

 

Combeferre’s heavily lidded eyes slowly opened and he made a small noise of protest when Enjolras tried to move him upwards.

 

“Come on, if I’m not allowed to sleep at my desk then you can’t sleep here.”

 

Combeferre made another tired noise, but slowly got up from the chair and let Enjolras lead him to his bedroom. 

 

“Late exam?” Combeferre mumbled as he collapsed on his bed.

 

“No.” Enjolras said carefully. “I was with Grantaire.”

 

“Hmm...” For a moment it seemed as though he wanted to continue his unfinished lecture from earlier, but instead, he fell asleep almost the instant his head touched the pillow. For which Enjolras was immensely relieved. He had enough conflicting thoughts running through his mind without his friends commentary.

 

Enjolras turned the light off, before departing for his own room. He knew it was futile to even try to pick up his textbook, and wondered vaguely why he had felt so compelled to leave Grantaire’s.

 

Perhaps if he’d stayed he could have talked more with him, and the night would not seem so cold, and sleep would come more easily, and his bed would not feel so empty. He couldn't shake the smell of coffee and caramel from him.

* * *

 

Enjolras had a predicament. He did genuinely need to study, and he did genuinely want to ask for Grantaire’s help. But he also wanted to feel Grantaire’s hands holding his waist and a flurry of indecent kisses envelop his neck. He knew that by inviting Grantaire over the latter was probably going to occur, which in itself was not a terrible thing. But Enjolras had a test to pass, and despite the dread he felt in regards to the studying, he knew if he wanted to finish his degree, he had to sometimes do things he wasn’t looking forward to.

 

It was working too. He was making notes diligently, his focus unwavering. But when it came to testing himself his progress came to a complete stop.

 

“Ferre?” He called out, opening his bedroom door. “Are you home?”

 

Silence.

 

Enjolras rubbed his eyes and sighed, picking up his phone to find a new message staring up at him.

 

**Combeferre:**

 

Went out to help Joly with a bio thing. Didn’t want to break your 

concentration. Don’t buy dinner. I predict Chetta’s going to give me a 

mountain of leftovers to bring home

10:29am

 

Enjolras smiled at the message, shooting off a quick reply. Going back into his messages his fingers hesitated over Grantaire’s name. He briefly considered concentrating and trying once more to quiz himself, but in the end admitted defeat. Grantaire had offered to help him, and he needed help.

 

**Me:**

 

Is your offer 2 help study still on the table?

3:15pm

 

**Grantaire:**

I'll be there in 15 :)

3:16pm

 

Enjolras spent his 15 minutes pacing his room and desperately trying to retain some last notes of information from his textbooks. Every time he heard a small noise his head would lift expectantly, waiting for a knock on his door. By the time Grantaire finally arrived, Enjolras was a nervous wreck.

 

Grantaire wasted no time at all. Rifling through Enjolras’ notes, Grantaire appeared to be thinking hard.

 

Enjolras was nervously biting the edge of his thumb. After thinking about it properly he wasn’t actually sure how much Grantaire could help him. He knew the subject was nowhere near Grantaire’s interests and the notes he’d taken were made with only himself in mind. Even if Grantaire could somehow interpret them he wondered now how much good it would do.

 

“Well... The concept doesn’t seem that hard to follow. Even if it is more boring than watching paint dry- which I’ve actually done I’ll have you know.” Grantaire said throwing him a smile, which Enjolras returned with great relief. “How you genuinely like this stuff is beyond me. But give me ten minutes and I think I could make some pretty good practise questions for you.”

 

“That’s great.” Enjolras said breathing out a shaky sigh. “Thank you.”

 

Ten minutes later Grantaire had spent a good amount of care going over Enjolras’ notes and textbook in detail, and scribbling down a few ideas for questions in a spare notebook Enjolras had had lying around. 

 

“This should be enough to start off with.” He said, absentmindedly chewing the end of Enjolras’ pen. 

 

“Okay. I think I’m ready.” Enjolras said confidently.

 

As it turned out, he was far from ready. It seemed as though the good majority of questions Grantaire was asking, Enjolras drew a blank, or answered incorrectly. His mind was seemingly everywhere and unable to connect one thought to the next.

 

“Really?” Grantaire asked slightly exasperated after Enjolras’ fifth wrong guess on a particularly difficult question. “I’m giving you clues here. Greek. Part of Plato’s academy. Revered as the first teacher?”

 

“I give up.” Enjolras said defeatedly, rubbing the side of his temples. “This isn’t working. We have to try another method.”

 

“I have a method we can try.” Grantaire said. “First, you can start by taking your pants off-”

 

“Grantaire.” Enjolras said seriously, trying hard to fight the urge to roll his eyes. “I need you to help me study, not distract me.”

 

“No, you’re misunderstanding me.” Grantaire said shaking his head and shutting Enjolras’ study book. “That’s exactly what I intend to do. You see, I have this theory; because the body and mind are so closely linked, if you’re stimulating the body, so too will your mind be stimulated.”

 

“I don’t think that’s a thing.” Enjolras said skeptically. 

 

“Think of it like a reward system for your mind. For example, Pavlov’s bell right? The dog remembers getting treats at the sound of a bell. By being stimulated by food or whatever, their mind makes the connection to the sound it hears. We’re just replacing a bell with contemporary political whatever.”

 

“I’m not a dog, Grantaire.”

 

“I know that!” Grantaire said with a laugh. 

 

“And by that theory I wouldn’t actually remember my notes. I would just get turned on when I hear about contemporary political theory.”

 

“I said for example! And are you sure you don’t already?” Grantaire wiped the grin off his face at the unimpressed look on Enjolras’. “Look, if it doesn’t work we can go back to this normal, boring, conventional method approved by the Church of England that has been working so well for you so far.”

 

Enjolras was on the fence. He was desperate to try anything different at this point, as nothing had been working so far. However it sounded a lot like just an excuse to get the both of them in bed, and as appealing as that was, he did not have time to waste.

 

“Hey,” Grantaire continued seeing the hesitance on his face. “Weren’t you the one who said during a student union protest that ‘to continue using outdated methods of education is to delay progress.’ ”

 

Now it was Enjolras’ turn to laugh. 

 

“This is _ not  _ what I had in mind when I said that. How do you remember that anyway? It was almost two years ago, and it wasn’t even for your school!”

 

“I like to memorise little bits of all your speeches.” Grantaire said, throwing him a smirk. “It’s fun to throw your words back at you at times like these.”

 

Enjolras covered up the fact that he was slightly touched with another laugh. He’d always thought that Grantaire had came along to most of the protests and rallies they conducted for the company more than anything. He’d never thought for a moment that Grantaire had actually taken in a word he’d said, let alone taken care to remember specific details from years ago. Even if it was just to mess with him, the fact that he’d been listening at all made Enjolras slightly happier.

 

“Fine. We’ll test out your theory. For the good of education.” 

 

_

 

“Um... Enjolras?” Came Grantaire’s voice from the bathroom doorway, where he was supposed to be fetching the condoms and lubricant. 

 

“Mhmm?” Enjolras mumbled, not looking up from his textbook, trying to let every last bit of knowledge sink in before being quizzed again. He had to  _ focus _ .

 

“Why do you have these?”

 

Enjolras looked up from his book to see Grantaire grinning wickedly. Dangling from his outstretched finger was a pair of fluffy, red, handcuffs.

 

Enjolras felt the heat flood to his face as he stared at them, mortified.

 

“They were a gift.” He said quickly and defensively. “You can’t throw out a gift from a friend. It’s rude.”

 

Grantaire could not contain his laughter. “Who on earth brought you handcuffs as a gift?”

 

“Courfeyrac.” Enjolras said in a strained voice. “For Valentine's day.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me you kept a gag gift of handcuffs purely for sentimental reasons?” Grantaire asked amusedly, twirling them around his finger. “Oh, you are one in a billion.”

 

“Would you just put those back?” Enjolras asked exasperatedly.

 

“Well actually…” Grantaire said halting the spinning, his voice trailing off as he raised his eyebrows and the cuffs a little bit higher.

 

“You’re not seriously suggesting we use them?”

 

“Oh come on, it’s not the nineties! This is practically considered vanilla these days.” Grantaire said, his eyes shining and his smile wide. “Besides, it’s _ rude _ not to use a gift from a friend.”

 

“I don’t see how this is going to help me study.” Enjolras sighed, his cheeks still burning.

 

“Just trust me, okay?” Grantaire said, crossing the room and sitting across from him on the edge of Enjolras’ bed. The grin on his face still wide as ever but his voice soft and sweet.

 

Enjolras sighed once more. Shutting his text book with a sharp snap and placing it on his bedside counter. “Fine. But I swear Grantaire, if this doesn’t work and we just waste a bunch of time-”

 

“It will work!” Grantaire said enthusiastically. “And if it doesn’t I’ll stay and study with you the normal way until _ that  _ works. Even if we have to pull an all nighter.”

 

“We are not pulling an all nighter the day before my exam.” Enjolras muttered, taking off his shirt.

 

“Now I just have one more teensy idea.” Grantaire said, picking up Enjolras’ abandoned shirt.

 

“Grantaire-”

 

“Shh… Just close your eyes. I promise it will help you concentrate.”

 

Enjolras took care to give Grantaire one more impatient look, before taking in a deep breath and closing his eyes. He felt Grantaire move in closer towards him and held his breath as something soft was wrapped around his eyes, making the brief dances of light he saw beneath his lids disappear completely. 

 

“Is this okay?” Grantaire asked so softly it was almost a whisper. Enjolras could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up in anticipation. He nodded in the affirmative.

 

“Good.” Soft hands guided him into a lying position, his head situated comfortably on the pillow beneath him. Grantaire was now moving his arms up above his head. Enjolras waited to feel the cuffs click into place around his wrists, but instead Grantaire merely kept his hands on his for a moment.

 

“Now, before I do this,” Grantaire said clearing his throat as Enjolras felt him shift slightly above him. “Do you have any kind of safe word or anything you like to use?”

 

“Not really.” Enjolras said frowning. Did Grantaire think that this was an activity regular enough in his schedule to warrant an established word?

 

“Alright. Well, how about for now we just use red?”

 

“Red?”

 

“Yeah. You know, like traffic lights. Red for stop.”

 

“Okay.” Enjolras said, unsure of why they weren’t just using the word ‘stop’. But he figured that Grantaire, who seemed confident enough in this task, knew more about this then he did, and therefore didn’t question it out loud.

 

A second later a soft fur like texture wrapped around his wrists and he heard a sharp click as they tightened in place. Enjolras attempted to move his arms to find them unsurprisingly restrained. It seemed as though Grantaire had wrapped the chain around one of the rails in his headboard. Meaning that he could only move his hands about an inch before being halted. The sensation was strange but not unwelcome.

 

“Is that alright?” Grantaire asked tentatively. 

 

“Yes.” Enjolras said, giving his wrists one final experimental tug against the railing. “It’s fine.”

 

“Okay.” Grantaire said, sounding confident with Enjolras’ affirmation. “I’m going to start off with an easy question. I’m guessing. I really have no idea. It’s all boring to me. Ready?”

 

“I guess. Ouch!” Enjolras’ body raised slightly in surprise and his wrists caught in the cuffs when Grantaire had pinched his nipple unexpectedly.

 

“Incorrect!” Grantaire said, feigning disappointment. “The correct answer was actually ‘I was born ready!’. I would have also accepted ‘I’m confident that Grantaire’s experimental teaching methods will help me pass this test’.”

 

“Fine. The second one. What’s the actual question?” Enjolras asked irritatedly. 

 

“Good to know.” Grantaire mumbled happily. Enjolras heard a slight shift of paper beside him and prepared himself.  “Okay. Which American Philosopher published a political philosophy novel in 1971 called ‘The Theory of Justice’.” 

 

Enjolras breathed a slight relief. He knew this one. “John Rawls.” He said confidently, waiting for Grantaire’s verbal confirmation. 

 

It never came, instead he let out a surprised “Oh!” As he felt a wet hot sensation wrap around two of his fingers. Sending a shiver through his body as Grantaire tightened his lips around them, teasing him by moving slightly up and down. Mirroring a sensation he’d given him before but with less intensity and more of a teaseful play.

 

When Grantaire withdrew his lips, Enjolras’ hands instinctively moved up to follow them, only to snag on the handcuffs and be jilted back above his head.

 

Grantaire had been right about one thing- he was definitely going to remember that. 

 

“If you get this one right, I’ll do that again.” Grantaire said sounding satisfied in the reaction he’d caused. “What are three main themes present in Martin Heidegger’s ‘ _ Being and Time _ ’.”

 

Enjolras had to think for a moment. Having his eyes closed against the makeshift blindfold did seem to be making it easier to concentrate. He couldn’t see Grantaire’s expression, if he was growing impatient or bored, and without that pressure it seemed easier to recall certain elements of his notes.

 

“Anxiety, temporality and… Care?” Enjolras said the last one uncertainly. He waited blindly, half expecting a verbal reprimand from him. Instead he felt once more his fingers become encased in Grantaire’s mouth. 

 

As Grantaire’s testing went on, Enjolras was finding that he liked not having visual cues as to what he was going to do next. The brief surprise and anticipation increased the pleasure he felt when Grantaire rewarded him with touch. Knowing that Grantaire would keep touching him given he got the questions right made Enjolras determined to wade through the maze of his mind and find the answer. Eventually, Enjolras had answered enough questions correctly that Grantaire had slid his hand down his jeans, and that alone was more than enough motivation than he needed.

 

Despite his increased concentration however, there were some things he just could not remember correctly. He got tongue tied on a philosophical question, and answered the one about Aristotle incorrectly again, and Grantaire was slowly beginning to withdraw his hand.

 

“No! Grantaire. _ Please. _ ” Enjolras begged. Without thinking he made to grab Grantaire’s hand. Once again his wrists were caught within the cuffs, and he huffed out a frustrated groan.

 

“Sorry Enjolras,” Grantaire said, not sounding the least bit so. “You won’t learn if I don’t.”

 

“You are enjoying this  _ way _ too much.” Enjolras said spitefully.

 

“How dare you insinuate that I’m enjoying poli-science.” Grantaire said in a mock offended tone. “You know, just for that I think I’m going to take a break.”

 

“No!” Enjolras pleaded out. He was much too on edge for Grantaire to leave him in this state. “I’m sorry. Please don’t go.”

 

“Tell you what,” Grantaire said, shifting above him. Enjolras felt a hot breath against his neck and a loose strand of hair tickle his ear, and guessed that Grantaire had leaned down to whisper to him. “You get this one right and I’ll take off your handcuffs. Then we can both take a break.” 

 

Enjolras adjusted himself beneath Grantaire as he sat up above him once more. He waited, his chest heaving and his senses alight. 

 

“French philosopher. Political activist. A key figure in existentialism-”

 

“Jean-Paul Sartre! It’s Jean-Paul Sartre!” Enjolras called out desperately.

 

“Hey, that’s not fair! I didn’t get to finish my question.”

 

“But it is, isn’t it? It’s Jean-Paul Sartre?” Enjolras asked, his voice getting increasingly higher. He waited on edge for Grantaire to make some kind of move. Finally, he felt a hand brush his and heard two clear clicks, freeing his hands and making him sigh in relief. 

 

Enjolras tentatively moved a hand to his blindfold, grateful for the sudden freedom in movement, and used his thumb to lift it off his eyes. He blinked once, his eyes quickly adjusting the the light. Above him Grantaire gave him a half annoyed, and half impressed smile.

 

“That was a lucky guess, you know. For all you knew I could have finished the question with-”

 

Before he could finish his sentence Enjolras took hold of his wrists and sat up quickly, turning Grantaire around and pinning him to the mattress. Enjolras dipped his lips to Grantaire’s neck and began to kiss it deeply, causing a sharp breath to be drawn beneath him. He drew his teeth lightly against Grantaire’s neck, before lifting his head and leaning into Grantaire’s face. He so desperately wanted to meet their lips, but that, he reminded himself, would make things complicated. Enjolras didn’t want complicated. At this moment, all Enjolras wanted was Grantaire. 

 

Instead he touched their foreheads, staring intently into Grantaire’s eyes and brushing his thumb across his cheekbone.

 

“Touch me.” He whispered.

 

Grantaire swallowed, staring back at Enjolras. “I don’t have anymore questions.”

 

“I don’t care.” Enjolras said fiercely. He loosened his grip on Grantaire’s wrists, allowing him to trail a light pattern with his fingers from his chest down to his stomach down to the edge of his hips.

 

Grantaire placed his hands on Enjolras’ hips, tucking his thumbs into his waistband and tugging his jeans and briefs down in one swift movement. Enjolras moved back down towards Grantaire’s neck, continuing his pattern of kisses and along the curve that met his shoulder, only stopping to shudder out a breath when Grantaire’s hand finally closed firmly around his cock. He began to move it slowly, moving his other hand down the small of Enjolras’ back.

 

Enjolras leaned into the touch, his own hands grasping at the sheet beneath them. Enjolras had been left so eager by Grantaire’s teasing that it didn’t take him long to reach his climax. He frenziedly bit the small red patch that he’d been sucking onto Grantaire’s neck as he came, spilling onto Grantaire’s stomach and only just missing the tail end of his shirt.

 

He dipped his head low, burying it into the crook of Grantaire’s neck as his body fell back down to the bed. 

 

They were silent for a moment, catching their breaths.

 

“I can’t believe your method actually worked.” Enjolras said in between panting. His breathing slowing down and his mind racing at a hundred miles a minute.

 

“Such little faith in me.” Grantaire said with a breathy chuckle.

 

The room was once again silent except for the sound of their breathing. Grantaire eventually moved to grab a box of tissues on the bedside cabinet. Cleaning himself up and sitting up against the pillow.

 

“So, the handcuffs…” He said after a while. “Were they alright?”

 

“They were different, that’s for sure.” Enjolras said, his head was still spacey from his orgasm. He wanted to stay in this headspace forever. No worries, no stress, no problems. Just spacey happiness and Grantaire lying beside him.

 

“Bad different?” Grantaire asked, scrunching up his face in a cringe.

 

“No, not at all. I liked it. More than I thought I would.” Enjolras said with a thoughtful tone. “But I do think I like to be in control more than I like being controlled.”

 

Grantaire looked satisfied with his answer. “Well maybe next time we can try that. I’ve never done this stuff before so I don’t know if it’s something that-”

 

“Wait, you haven’t?” Enjolras asked, sitting up suddenly. “But you were so confident in what you were doing!”

 

Grantaire snorted and looked at Enjolras amusedly. “I really wasn’t.”

 

“Wow.” Enjolras said, letting his head hit the pillow heavily. “Well, you could have fooled me.” 

 

“And I did by the sound of it.” Grantaire said smugly laying back down on the bed. He suddenly began to laugh heartily, digging his face into the pillow.

 

“What’s so funny?” Enjolras asked, looking at him fondly. Grantaire’s cheeks had turned pink and he was determinedly trying to hide his face.

 

“It’s nothing.” Grantaire said finally, after his attack of giggles finally subsided. A gleeful shine gracing his eyes. “Just… Remind me to thank Courfeyrac some time.”

 

Enjolras’ smile faded suddenly. His peaceful and serene headspace gone as quickly as it had came.

 

“I have to go.” Enjolras said with a sigh.

 

Grantaire raised his eyebrows and shot Enjolras an unimpressed look. 

 

“We’re at _ your _ house, Enjolras. You know, if you want me to go you can just ask.”

 

“What? No. It’s not that at all.” Enjolras said shaking his head. “You just reminded me. I have to speak to Courfeyrac, urgently.” Enjolras looked at Grantaire directly. “You were right, you know.”

 

“‘I’m always right.” Grantaire said with a frown. He still looked skeptical. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

 

“About him and Combeferre. Something happened.”

 

“Oh, shit.” Grantaire muttered. “It’s not bad is it?”

 

Enjolras sighed. “At the moment, yes it is. But it’s not unfixable. Which is why I have to go see Courfeyrac, I have to fix this.”

 

“Why?”

 

“What?”

 

“Why do you have to fix this?” Grantaire asked seriously. “Why d _ o you _ have to be the person who fixes this.”

 

Enjolras blinked at him confused. “Because they’re my friends? And I can fix it, so why wouldn’t I?”

 

Grantaire smiled, shaking his head and grabbing his jacket from the bedroom floor. 

 

“Like I said before.” He said as he stood to leave, pulling his jacket over his shoulders. “You’re one in a billion.” 


	3. There is More to this than I Care to Admit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras is frustrated with his friends, his studies and the feelings he refuses to confront.
> 
> “Something was tugging at the strings of Enjolras’ heart. It was something more than sympathy for his friend. It was a small familiarity, something he’d been pushing down deep. Once more, Enjolras shook the feeling off. There were more important things to focus on right now, and the hollow feeling in his chest would still be there after Courfeyrac’s dilemma was resolved.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from a beautiful and incredible young Australian artist called Gretta Rae, taken from her song "Unwind." She is a lyrical genius and my little heart can't take her talent.
> 
> Disclaimer: Enjolras may be frustrated in this chapter but by the end of it you'll probably be frustrated with him

“Courfeyrac!” Enjolras continued to pound on the slightly chipped wood. A passing neighbour shot him a disgruntled look, but Enjolras was too determined to try to appear apologetic. “Courfeyrac, open the door!”

 

He was greeted by silence. He sighed, rearranging the paper bag under his arm. Knocking was achieving nothing but hurting his knuckles. 

 

“Courfeyrac, I know you’re in there,” Enjolras tried again, his voice still raised but tired. It seemed even in exam week drama never rested. “I could hear you singing showtunes from the second floor!”

  
Enjolras waited this time. Somehow just knowing he had broken through. Sure enough he began to hear footsteps approaching.

“Go away, Enjolras.” Courfeyrac said, through the door. His voice was muffled and strained. “I’m not an idiot. I know you’ve talked to Combeferre by now.”

 

“So?” 

 

“So!?” Courfeyrac opened the door a slither, despite only being able to see half of his face Enjolras could tell he hadn’t been sleeping properly. “So I know you’ve taken his side. It’s  _ fine _ . I get it. You’ve known him longer, you live with him-”

 

“-Oh for God’s sake, Courfeyrac.” Enjolras said placing his hand on the door and attempting to push it further open. “If I was taking sides would I be coming to your door the night before an exam with a bag of strawberry eclairs?”

 

Courfeyrac eyed the sweets through the door, carefully considering his options. Enjolras awkwardly opened the bag with one hand to show him he wasn’t bluffing, his other hand still firmly on the door. He had made a point to ask the bakery to put the most tantalising looking eclair on the top, foreseeing this situation. Courfeyrac finally admitted defeat at the sight, letting out a frustrated breath and opening the door for Enjolras to enter. 

“Is Jehan home?” Enjolras asked, ignoring all tension that was lingering in the room.

 

“No. They’re on a  _ date _ .” 

 

Enjolras was unsure if his bitter tone was due to Jehan dating somebody he disapproved of, or whether he was merely jealous that he too wasn’t currently out on the town. He certainly looked out of place lounging around the apartment in a T-shirt and boxers on a Thursday evening. Courfeyrac was usually out most nights of the week. If not working a shift as a concierge at _La Clef Louvre_ he would often find his way into a bar, or club, or music concert. Usually an unstoppable force of extrovertism and alacrity, he seemed to bring the world to a stop with him as he collapsed onto the couch, lying with his head on the arm rest.

 

“If you’re going to yell at me can you just get it over with so I can go to bed?” 

 

“Would you stop being so dramatic? It’s barely eight, and I’m not here to yell at you. I’m here to talk. I’m worried about you.”

 

Courfeyrac made a small noise of acknowledgement. The silence that followed was dreadful and awkward, but Enjolras knew if he waited it out long enough, Courfeyrac would break.

 

Sure enough Courfeyrac began to fidget and fuss, and before long he was sitting up and jiggling his right leg.

 

“How is he?” He asked finally, looking sheepishly at Enjolras before quickly averting his gaze. “Actually, forget I asked.”

 

“He’s okay.” Enjolras said and Courfeyrac stilled with attention. “He’s pretty upset with you though.”

 

“Yeah, I knew that.” Courfeyrac sighed, hanging his head. “Although, I wish I knew why.”

 

“Well what happened?”

 

Courfeyrac snorted. “Yeah, as if you don’t already know what happened. We slept together. He freaked out about it, and now he’s not talking to me.”

 

“Aren’t you leaving out a pretty vital detail in between you sleeping together and him freaking out?”

 

Courfeyrac stared confusedly at Enjolras. Either he was really good at playing dumb or he genuinely didn’t know what Enjolras was talking about.

 

Enjolras sighed. He really didn’t want to get into the details. He was uncomfortable talking about sex, especially sex between his friends. But his friends were the most important things to him, and his friends  _ being  _ friends again was equally important. He would be uncomfortable and awkward a hundred times over if it meant that he could fix this between them.

 

“He thinks when you both were talking… Afterwards, that you were asking him to be a friends with benefits type of thing.”

 

Courfeyrac stared dumbstruck at him. It was clear to Enjolras that his inkling had been right, and there had been a miscommunication between the two of them.

 

“He really thinks I wanted that?” Courfeyrac said after a while, his voice cracking slightly. 

 

“Well it’s not that hard to believe. It’s not like you haven’t done that before.”

 

“Yes, but not with him!” Courfeyrac said exasperatedly. “I could never do that with him. God. That would be worse than not having him at all.”

 

Enjolras scrunched up his nose in confusion. “How?”

 

“It would be like torture!” Courfeyrac took in a breath and ran his hands through his hair. “It would mean being with him in his bed but not being able to stay. It would mean intimacy without romantic intimacy. Never being able to pull him close to me afterwards but knowing that it was right within my grasp. Having him for all of fifteen minutes before having to let him go, I would know what it felt like to touch him and to feel us together but never what it felt like to keep it that way throughout the night. I just- no. I couldn’t do that! That would be worse. So, so much worse.”

 

Something was tugging at the strings of Enjolras’ heart. It was something more than sympathy for his friend. It was a small familiarity, something he’d been pushing down deep. Once more, Enjolras shook the feeling off. There were more important things to focus on right now, and the hollow feeling in his chest would still be there after Courfeyrac’s dilemma was resolved.

 

“So, what are you going to do?” Enjolras asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“How are you going to fix this?”

 

Courfeyrac blinked at him. “I- I don’t know.”

 

“Come on! You have to have at least a hundred dramatically romantic scenarios up your sleeve for a time like this. How many of those cliched romantic comedies have you forced me to watch with you?”

 

Courfeyrac made a noise through his teeth as he fell back onto the couch, clutching a small, tropical pillow close to his chest.  “Yeah well, look how well that worked out for me last time.” He muttered bitterly. 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I was having my big, dramatic, ‘I Love You’ speech!” He threw his arms up  in the air in frustration, before pulling the cushion onto his face and groaning. When he finally pulled it away he looked embarrassed and mad at himself. “Why else would I be saying all that stuff about us being such good friends? I had the whole thing planned. I’d said it in my head about 100 times, but I never thought I’d actually get to say it to him! I was going to end the whole thing like ‘I’m so happy we can now be friends and boyfriends too’ and just… God I can’t believe he thought I was asking him to be his fuck buddy?! That’s the most romantic thing my brain has ever came up with and I completely fucked it up!”

 

Enjolras felt for the pair of them, but at that moment his sympathy was being trumped by a frustration in their stubbornness and lack of communication. 

 

“Do you want to give up on him?” Enjolras asked, it came out much sterner than he intended and Courfeyrac sat up quickly in response.

 

“What? No, of course I don’t.”

 

“Then do something about it! This whole thing can be resolved in a conversation and you’re both acting like utter cowards.”

 

“Ouch.” Courfeyrac said wincing. “That’s harsh, Enjolras.”

 

“Well, it’s the truth!.”

 

“He doesn’t want to see me.” Courfeyrac muttered .

 

“And how do you know that if you don’t even try to ask him?”

 

“Because I already have asked him!” It was rare to see Courfeyrac angry, and rarer still for it to last. It dissipated quickly into desperate regret as he rested his head in his hands and pushed his hair back slowly. His voice was broken when he spoke again. “I’ve asked him to talk to me a hundred times and he’s ignored me every time.” Courfeyrac looked up at Enjolras with fear in his eyes. “Enjolras, I think… I think I’ve ruined our friendship.”

 

Enjolras was by his side in a second, an arm around Courfeyrac’s shoulders as he hastily wiped at his eyes.

 

“Come on, Courf. That’s impossible. He’s just… He’s just hurt at the moment. If you explained things to him-”

 

“How am I supposed to do that if he refuses to talk to me?” He asked desperately before breaking down in tears.

 

“Shh... I know. I know.”  Enjolras couldn’t help but feel lost. He was reaching as far as he could for any kind of solution that would make this better, but he was coming up empty. 

 

“It’s not just me, either. I’m worried he’s trying to distance himself from all of us because of this. I’ve asked Jehan and Feuilly to speak with him- not about the thing with me just to see if he’s alright- and he won’t talk to anyone- I mean, who refuses to talk to Feuilly?! The first time I saw him since it happened was that night we were all together… And the whole time he just sat in the corner and wouldn’t talk to anyone… Joly said he’s been quiet at the hospital. You seem to be the only one who he’s not closing off to at the moment. I-” Courfeyrac paused suddenly, it was though he’d been suddenly struck by lightning as he drew himself to full height and began to pace the room. Enjolras had known him long enough to recognise that he was forming a plan. 

 

Sure enough, a moment later he spoke. “Enjolras, could you do me a favour?”

 

“Sure.” He said immediately, relieved at Courfeyrac’s change of energy. “What do you need?”

* * *

 

 

Bracing himself for a confrontation as he walked through the door, Enjolras took his time walking down the hallway.

 

He found Combeferre in their kitchen making tea and putting the dishes on the drying rack away.

 

“Were you with Grantaire?” He asked as a greeting. 

 

It wasn’t the type of confrontation that Enjolras was expecting, but that meant that he didn’t know he’d been to Courfeyrac’s. He could definitely work with this.

 

“Yes.” Enjolras replied immediately. It wasn’t exactly a lie. He had been with Grantaire today, just not right at that moment.

 

“Enjolras. I feel like we still haven’t talked about this properly-”

 

“I completely agree.” Enjolras replied happily, catching Combeferre by surprise. “I actually was just thinking we hadn’t had a chance to talk about anything properly. We’ve both been so busy.”

 

Combeferre blinked a few times before replying. It was evident he was expecting more resistance at his proposal and not immediate surrender. 

 

“I- I suppose you’re right.” He said slowly, narrowing his eyes. “Are you feeling okay?”

 

“Great!” Enjolras replied. This was not a lie either. Things always felt great when his plans went smoothly. “But you’re right, I think we should talk. Not now, I have to study. Tomorrow? After your shift and my exam? We can meet at the library, if you’d like.”

 

“I- Well, okay.” Combeferre looked at him oddly once more. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay.”

 

“Of course I am!” He smiled widely only causing Combeferre to look more alarmed. “I’m looking forward to getting things out in the open.” 

 

And with that he slid casually past Combeferre and into his bedroom, bidding him goodnight. Leaving his housemate looking confused and concerned in his leave.

 

Enjolras pulled his phone out of his pocket as he sat on the edge of his bed.

 

**_Me:_ **

 

2morow. 3pm. @ the library. :-)

9:37PM

 

**_Courfeyrac:_ **

 

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I owe you x 10000000

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoox!

9:38PM

 

Enjolras was about to put his phone aside when it buzzed again. Expecting to open a number of kissy faces from Courfeyrac he was instead pleasantly surprised to see a message from Grantaire.

  
  


**_Grantaire:_ **

 

You better be actually studying by now and not stillout solving everyones problems

9:39PM

 

Enjolras smiled down at his phone. Folding his legs in between them and leaning against the wall he typed a reply back as fast as he could manage. 

 

**_Me:_ **

 

I was actually just about 2 until u distracted me… Thx :-)

9:42PM

  
  


**_Grantaire:_ **

 

Don’t make me come over there and make you learn

9:45PM

 

**_Me:_ **

 

I’d like 2 see u try

9:46PM

 

**_Grantaire:_ **

 

You’re forgetting I’ve already tried… And succeeded, thank you very much ;)

9:48PM

  
**_Me:_ **

 

I don’t think I could ever forget about that 

9:50PM

 

Enjolras instantly regretted pushing the send button on his phone the moment his thumb pressed the screen. He hadn’t been thinking properly, he hadn’t been thinking logically, and despite not intending it to sound romantically flirty instead of sexual flirty, it certainly read that way to him now that he was agonising over it.

 

He waited. Debating whether or not to send another message, and then another. Maybe if he sent enough text messages the last one would seem unimportant. But he was at a loss for anything to say.

 

After what seemed like an eternity his phone finally buzzed in his hand, causing him to jump slightly at the vibration.

 

**_Grantaire:_ **

 

Go to bed Enjolras :)

9:55PM

 

Enjolras’ heart sank slightly, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed but he was at a complete loss as to why. 

 

* * *

 

Exiting the exam hall with a heavy pressure stifling his chest,  Enjolras’ head was spinning with an overload of information. His answers running through his head at an unhealthy pace, merging and blurring until he really had no idea just exactly what he had written. Whatever it was he was sure of one thing: he had definitely failed.

 

Half the exam had seen him staring at a tormentingly empty piece of paper, the other half filled with a panicked and messy rush of jotting down as much information as he possibly could in the time remaining. 

 

Enjolras felt sick. 

 

He’d never been more convinced of his own failure. His hands were shaking slightly as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He quickly changed his mind after cringing at the memory of last nights interchange with Grantaire. His anxiety levels were already too much to handle, stressing over an electronic conversation was not going to help things. He had already reached his quota for second guessing himself today.

 

However, he knew he’d be feeling a lot easier if he was able to see him again, and touching him so far had proved to be a great distraction.

 

Grantaire worked at the Musain, meaning if he was currently on shift then he was only a few blocks away. Feeling as though even if he couldn’t find Grantaire in there he could at least find semi comfort in a cup of coffee, Enjolras let his feet guide him out of the building. Every heavy step becoming lighter the nearer he reached the building.  

 

When his feet finally carried him to the cafe he stopped just outside the door. Looking into the slightly smudged windows, he could see him behind the counter, frothing milk whilst chatting away to Madame Hucheloup. The slanted and self-conscious smile on his face was a tell tale sign that he had just told a joke. Seeing him so candidly warmed Enjolras to the fingertips. If it weren’t for a stranger bumping his shoulder as they passed, he could have happily stayed an observer of the scene from outside. The contact shook him out of his daze and he hurriedly made his way inside.

 

“Enjolras!” Grantaire called the moment his eyes reached his. Enjolras matched his smile with one of his own as he sat himself down at the counter. 

 

“How was your exam?”

 

Of course the warm and carefree feeling he had was temporary, the moment the well meaning words tumbled out of Grantaire’s mouth Enjolras felt the dread and anxiety return to him once more.

 

“Oh.” Grantaire said furrowing his brow. “That’s not a good expression.”

 

“Can we talk about something else?” Enjolras winced, his voice close to pleading. “Anything?”

 

“Like the fact that you’re currently wearing your shirt inside out and back to front?”

 

“What?” Enjolras blinked at him before tilting his head down towards his chest. Sure enough, he was faced with the tag on his collar facing out and upwards towards him. “Oh, for goodness sake.”

 

Grantaire burst into laughter. “This is a safe place you know, Enjolras. You’re allowed to swear. You look like you need to.”

 

“I’ll take a raincheck.” Enjolras muttered in annoyance, buttoning his coat up to hide his mistake and feeling the heat rise to his face.

 

“Need a drink?”

 

“Grantaire, it’s two o’ clock!”

 

“Hey, some folks are ordering their coffee’s irish at eight in the morning.” He shrugged grabbing a large mug from a rack hanging above them. “Come on, I’ll make you anything you want. It doesn’t have to be alcoholic, but it helps.”

 

Enjolras thought for a moment. He didn’t feel like drinking but he could do with cold drink. He usually ordered his coffee black. It saved time and he wasn’t exactly drinking it for the taste. Today however, the prospect of ordering his usual seemed depressing. Black coffee was for people who were were going places and accomplishing things and too busy succeeding to care. He didn’t feel like that person today.

 

“I guess I’ll have… A latte… Iced. With whipped cream. And caramel swirled in. And chocolate on top- no, wait! Cinnamon.”

 

Grantaire laughed again, making Enjolras feel slightly better. “Feeling adventurous today, are we?”

 

Enjolras snorted. “The opposite, actually.”

 

“Well you will be after this.” Grantaire said with a smile as he busied himself preparing. 

 

The hour passed by quickly as Grantaire juggled serving customers and chatting animatedly with Enjolras. It wasn’t long until he’d forgotten completely about the exam he’d just had, and the doomed prospects that were to come from it. 

 

Enjolras’ mug was empty by the time Grantaire unstringed his apron and dusted off his hands.

 

“Did you want to get out of here?” He asked with a raise of his eyebrow. 

 

Enjolras was grateful that a nod sufficed as enough of an answer. Suddenly he was finding it very hard to talk for some reason. Which was all the more fine for Grantaire who seemed to view his silence as an invitation to not stop talking.

 

“When you think of all the greats that history has to offer, Einstein, Joan of Arc, Picasso, those guys in your poli-sci books, the last question you ask yourself is ‘ _ Did they ever fail a mid-degree exam? _ ’. If someone seriously asked that question whilst discussing the greatest minds, fighters and artists that history has to offer you’d call them a moronic idiot.”

 

Grantaire caught the frown that appeared on Enjolras’ face and quickly backtracked.

 

“Except you know, without the ableist language. You’d call them… An ignorant and limited thinker whose priorities are seriously warped beyond comprehension. Then, this theoretical arsehole begins to question if Celia Sánchez was fit to assemble a combat squad because there was a class she had to retake in her youth. He begins to say she wasn’t fit to be Secretary to the Presidency of Cuba because of this one ugly theoretical blot on her otherwise close to perfect theoretical academic record. ‘ _ The ides of March Madness have taken this poor man’s sanity! _ ’ you begin to think, despairing and feeling sympathetic for the obvious corrosion that is slowly ebbing away at the logical compartment of his mind. You’d consider seeking out his closest friend and urging them to seek him professional help!”

 

They stopped outside of Grantaire’s door as he searched his pockets for his keys. Enjolras carefully leaned with his shoulder against the doorframe.

 

“What are you trying to say?”

 

Finally procuring them, Grantaire unlocked his door, he paused before opening it, looking Enjolras seriously in his eyes, Enjolras felt the hammering of his heart beat frustratingly fast against his chest.

 

“I’m saying that even if you did fail this exam, in the big picture nobody who is anybody is actually going to care. You’re destined for so much greater things that at the end of the day it’s not going to be a dead end, it will just be a road block.”

 

Enjolras was speechless as he followed Grantaire inside. He still felt sick at the very idea of failure, but for now the levity of failure didn’t seem to be so large.

 

Grantaire shook his head and laughed softly as he led Enjolras to his room. 

 

“I’m talking too much aren’t I?”

 

Enjolras shrugged. In all honesty he wanted to ask Grantaire to speak more soft reassurances to him. To hold him, comfort him, stay with him and tell him everything was going to be alright. Somehow when he was with Grantaire the idea of things turning out okay seemed more in reach. This thought alarmed him slightly and he pushed it away to come back to later- or never. All he knew was that currently he simply didn’t have the emotional energy needed to confront it, especially not whilst standing in Grantaire’s presence and bedroom. 

 

“Well,” Grantaire continued, taking Enjolras’ lack of response as an affirmative and hooking his thumb into one of his belt loops. “There’s something else my mouth can do that will definitely shut me up.”

 

* * *

 

Grantaire was stretching beside him, drawing in a breath as he arched his back. Enjolras watched the movement accentuate his ribs, his gaze moving down to the trail of hair down his stomach before finally reaching an inch below it. Grantaire was still in his jeans, but even so Enjolras could see the the hard bulge in his pants.

 

It wasn’t like that was surprising. What they had just done had certainly served Enjolras, and he supposed that blow jobs could be arousing for both people involved, but it was a rarity for the giving party to be able to come to complete satisfaction from one the way the receiving party did. 

 

Come to think of it, Enjolras realised suddenly that the majority of the times they’d been doing things together, he’d been on the receiving end of an orgasm, and Grantaire was usually- for lack of a better saying- left high and dry.

 

“Grantaire?” He said turning and sitting up slightly.

 

“Hm…?”

 

“You know we don’t- we don’t always have to do things just for me right?”

 

Grantaire looked at him, puzzled for only a second before he burst out into laughter.

 

“Enjolras, take a break. I know you love equality but it’s not exactly necessary in the bedroom.”

 

“I’m being serious!”

 

“So am I!” Grantaire said, his voice still much too amused for Enjolras’ liking. Seeing Enjolras’ expression however made his smile falter as he looked at him seriously. “I’m… Okay, I’m not taking the piss, alright? I swear. It’s fine. I _ like  _ doing things for you. I would do- I mean it’s not… I wouldn’t do them if I didn’t, you know? I don’t expect something in return every time.”

 

The blush that graced Grantaire’s cheeks as his words trailed off and he ducked his gaze away from Enjolras gave him a strange urge to reach over and kiss him. Instead, he bit down on his bottom lip. A fluttery sensation in his stomach making him hesitate before he was able to continue.

 

“Well,” He said, and now it was his turn to avoid Grantaire’s gaze. “Maybe I want to do things for you... Maybe I like doing things to you.” Memories from the first night were flooding back to him without warning and Enjolras was sure his face looked as red, as an embarrassed heat washed over him.

 

“Oh.” Grantaire’s voice was soft and sounded genuinely surprised. “Well… Well that’s fine then. I mean if you like doing it, that- that’s fine. I just- you know I just didn’t want you to feel like you had to. You know?”

 

Feeling as though he’d just exposed a nerve, Enjolras shifted on the bed. Perhaps if he pretended to be more in control than he actually was Grantaire wouldn’t notice just how much his heartbeat had increased, and he wouldn’t feel as foolish or vulnerable. Grantaire had certainly seemed to respond well in the past when he’d taken over, and at the moment the uncomfortable silence between them was horribly unbearable.

 

Feeling as though there was no possible way he could make the tension worse, Enjolras decided doing something that would make him appear slightly exposed was better than taking no action at all.

 

In an instant he had straddled his legs over Grantaire, and kneeled on the bed. 

 

“So, what do you like?” Enjolras asked, gliding a finger down the the line of his chest and stomach.

 

“What do you mean?” Grantaire flashed him a quick and nervous smile, clearly taken by surprise by the sudden change of atmosphere. The sudden electricity that had taken to the air the moment Enjolras had climbed on top of him was now charging through their bodies.

 

Enjolras tilted his head to one side, smiling wickedly down at Grantaire. “Fantasies. Do you have any?”

 

It was clear from Grantaire’s expression that he was definitely not expecting that question.

 

“Because you know if you tell me…” Enjolras continued as he lowered his head to Grantaire’s neck, tracing slow and deliberate kisses there, his hands automatically moving to Grantaire’s wrists, pinning him gently beneath him. He moved his lips up to his ear, whispering softly. “I might do them for you.”

 

Grantaire shuddered beneath him, Enjolras could feel his heartbeat quicken through his wrists. An excited and impatient need for an answer took over him as he nibbled at Grantaire’s ear. Grantaire’s breathing had gotten shallow, and Enjolras felt it hot against his neck as he moved his head back up to look at him once more.

 

He looked completely undone, and Enjolras hadn’t even touched him yet.

 

“You can’t- you can’t use this against me if I tell you.” Grantaire’s voice was slow and rough. He was considering his words carefully, and Enjolras couldn’t help the satisfied smile that came with it.

 

“Why would I do that?” 

 

“Because. It’s your- it’s not- you’ll…” Grantaire bit his lip and sighed. He seemed annoyed and frustrated that Enjolras was weedling this information out of him. Although, Enjolras thought proudly, he hadn’t exactly had to work hard for it. “Just don’t use it against me, okay?”

 

Enjolras removed his hands from Grantaire’s wrists to place one over his heart, and the other with a palm facing the air. 

 

“I promise.”

 

Grantaire covered his face with his hands and groaned. “Stop trying to be adorable.”

 

“I’m not!” Enjolras laughed with surprise. “C’mon, you can tell me. Is it weird?”

 

“Enjolras-”

 

“It’s not a daddy kink, is it? Because-”

 

“-I like your voice.” Grantaire said in a breath, catching Enjolras off guard. “I mean. If you wanted to- to I don’t know, dirty talk to me? I- that would just be really, really hot.” He was looking mad at himself for the sudden confession and turned his head to the side. 

 

Enjolras stilled above him.

 

“You’ve had fantasies about  _ me _ ?” He asked, his mind simultaneously going blank and feeling as though it was screaming all at once.

 

“Don’t get an inflated ego or anything,” Grantaire muttered defensively. “It’s only since we’ve started doing this type of stuff.” 

 

A feeling that he couldn’t quite put his finger on overtook Enjolras, he didn’t know what it was but it made his brain scream with happiness. He wasn’t quite sure if Grantaire was lying about the fact that his fantasies only began when they became more intimate. But, for some reason the thought of Grantaire lusting over him made him feel incredibly intoxicated. The urge to pull him up by his neck and kiss him deeply was almost overpowering. Instead, Enjolras opted to passionately suck at his neck instead, shoving the urge quickly away into the back of his mind. 

 

“You’re feeling way too smug about this.” Grantaire said between gasping breaths. “I can tell.”

 

“I’m not smug.” Enjolras smiled against Grantaire’s skin. “It’s flattering.”

 

“As if.” Grantaire said with a small laugh. “You’re going to love holding this over me.”

 

“Shhh…” Enjolras purred, placing an index finger upon Grantaire’s lips. “My turn.”

 

Grantaire obeyed instantly, swallowing hard. 

 

To his credit, he had been right in his prediction. Once Enjolras had realised he could silence him this easily, it would be incredibly tempting to use this kind of power in the future, and hard to resist.

 

The only problem was that Enjolras had no idea what to say. 

 

He decided to go for the first thing that came to mind, and made an effort to lace it with as much smoothness as he possibly could.

 

“You’re gorgeous, you know.” Enjolras told him, moving his finger from Grantaire’s lips to his hair and twirling one of his fingers through Grantaire’s curls. His other hand gently slid down the outside of his shirt. 

 

“Tch.” Grantaire made a noise through his teeth with an air of disbelief, it was quickly turned into a breathy gasp as Enjolras pressed a hand to the outside of his jeans.

 

“You are.” He insisted, slowly moving his hand to the button currently holding all of Grantaire back. He took his time, drawing out the touch of his hands, brushing against skin and jeans as he whispered sweet, adoring words into his ear.

 

“And you won’t be prepared for the things I’m about to do to you.” Enjolras teased as he finally opened the front of Grantaire’s pants and slid his hand beneath his underwear, touching a hand to his cock. 

 

“God I hope not.” Grantaire moaned, lifting his hips further into Enjolras’ touch. 

 

Enjolras laughed softly, closing his hand tighter around Grantaire as he pressed his lips to the crook of his neck, sucking long and hard as he moved his hand slowly up and down. He was lost in touching him, his movement becoming faster as every sharp breath Grantaire drew was addicting to him.

 

“I love the way you feel.” Enjolras said trying to sound flirtatious. The groan Grantaire made in response sent satisfied pulses all throughout his body. 

 

Enjolras began to alternate between kissing and sucking hard patches on Grantaire’s neck and whispering seductively in his ear.

 

“God, you look so amazing like this.” His hair was sprawled out beneath him on the pillow, his eyes closed in blissful pleasure, biting his lip and grasping at the sheets beneath him. Amazing did not do him justice.

 

The sheets it seemed were not enough for Grantaire. His hands shot up without warning, Grabbing Enjolras by the waist and holding on tight. A heated jolt ran through his stomach at the contact, causing him to still slightly. Grantaire’s member twitched in his hand as he slowed his movement down.

 

“You like that, don’t you?” Enjolras said in an enticing voice. “What would you do if I just stopped?” 

 

“No, Enjolras-  _ Please. _ ” Grantaire’s nails dug slightly into his waist. His eyes wide and barely focused as Enjolras smiled down on him.

 

Enjolras leaned closer towards him, their faces close to touching as he tucked a strand of hair behind Grantaire’s ear with his free hand. 

 

“What would you do to make me keep going?” Enjolras teased. 

 

It was a rhetorical question, meant to tease and illicit a slightly begging sound from Grantaire. Enjolras had every intention of continuing. But Grantaire’s eyes were suddenly focused on him, his nails no longer digging into his skin, but gently holding his waist.

 

“Anything.” Grantaire replied, barely above a whisper. 

 

Enjolras stilled above him, for a moment they stayed like that, staring at each other, taking the other in. Enjolras could have easily crossed a boundary, broken a rule and kissed him right there and then. Instead, he continued, shaking off the the thing that was screaming at him from the back of his mind.

 

Grantaire had his eyes closed again, and Enjolras went on in silence, too worried about the words that might come out if he tried to speak. It wasn’t long after that he climaxed with a soft moan. The now familiar feeling of Grantaire’s nails against him was soon lost as he withdrew his hands. Enjolras moved to the side of the bed, allowing him to clean himself up and trying hard not to think about Grantaire’s eyes looking intensely into his. 

 

For a distraction more than anything, Enjolras grabbed his phone by the bedside table. His distraction becoming another hit of hard reality as he opened the new text message that had been waiting for him. He must have missed the buzzing. 

 

**Combeferre:**

 

We need to talk. About what you did. Come home. 

 

7:33PM

  
  


“Shit.” Enjolras hissed through his teeth.

 

“What?” Grantaire asked furrowing his brow.

 

“Sorry, I have to leave.” Enjolras sighed. Feeling more and more like this was now his mantra after every time with Grantaire. 

 

He didn’t want to go, he realised. Something Courfeyrac had said to him the night before seemed to claw loudly at the back of his mind. Pleading with him to pay attention to it and dissect it in every possible way.

 

“You’re still stressing out about these exams, huh?” Grantaire ruffled his own hair and suppressed a yawn into the back of his hand. 

 

Enjolras paused for a moment. The exams had been far from his mind. He was more thinking of the fact that it was now after seven and Courfeyrac and Combeferre had either just spent four hours talking it out with each other or four hours of screaming at each other in the library.

 

Judging from the tone of Combeferre’s text he guessed it was the latter, and if Enjolras had just gotten Combeferre banned from his favourite place in the world due to noise complaints he was really in for it.

 

Grantaire was still waiting for a response. Not wishing to betray his friend more than once in one day Enjolras decided to lie. 

 

“Not so much exams plural.” Enjolras sighed, fidgeting with a button on his coat. “There’s a big one. My last one- on Monday. Three hours and it.. Well- it’s just a lot.”

 

It wasn’t really a lie. The more he thought about the approaching Monday the sicker he felt. But currently, the other problem was topping his list of worries.

 

“Monday. So, you have the whole weekend to study right?” 

 

Enjolras nodded glumly.

 

Grantaire hesitated a moment before continuing. “You know I have tomorrow off work. If you wanted to, I mean obviously you don’t have to if you think it won’t help - and it won’t be like last time I mean like actually helping you study and-”

 

“Thank you.” Enjolras said warmly. “I would love it if you came by to help.”

 

“Okay.” Grantaire smiled. “Cool. _ Cooooool. _ So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Eight am?”

 

“Eight am?!” Grantaire gave him a horrified expression that told him the very concept of there being an eight am on Saturday was beyond comprehensible. He finally laughed with a slight shake of his head. “Fine. Eight am. But you definitely owe me.”

 

Enjolras left feeling strange and it had nothing to do with coming home to a furious Combeferre.There was something nagging at the back of his mind, something he had pushed away that was begging to crawl back out and poison his mind. He stubbornly shook it away. Closing his eyes and taking in the cool Parisian air around him. 

 

He took a moment to pause outside of his door. However much Combeferre wanted to be angry at him, he would let him. Enjolras took a deep breath and opened the door to his apartment, ready to meet his fate. 

 

What he wasn’t expecting was for Combeferre to tackle him the moment he came through the door. Although tackle was not the most accurate word to use, attack-hug was more of an appropriate description. Enjolras didn’t hesitate to hug Combeferre back.

 

When they finally pulled apart Enjolras was pleased to see that he was smiling.

 

“So, you’re not mad at me?” He asked carefully.

 

Combeferre laughed and it sounded so light and carefree that the room was illuminated by it.

 

“Of course I’m mad at you. That was not your business to meddle into and I’ve told you a million times you need to stop meddling.” If he was trying to sound harsh and reprimanding he was failing spectacularly. His smile was so big and bright that it was contagious. Enjolras smiled back at him and Combeferre cleared his throat, a slight apologetic look in his eyes. “But, I’m also glad that you did because we worked it out.”

 

Enjolras could feel his smile grow wider and he tried not to look too pleased with himself. 

 

“And?” He prodded.

 

“And…” Combeferre took a big shaky breath, running his fingers through his hair and laughing in slight disbelief. “And we have date. This Saturday! Enjolras, I have a date with Courfeyrac! I’m dating Courfeyrac!” If Combeferre was the type of person to punch the air Enjolras was sure that he’d be doing so right now. Instead, he merely began pacing the hallway. Talking on a roundabout tangent about what happened in the library.

  
Enjolras listened patiently. By the time Combeferre had finished regaling him with the full story he was feeling incredibly drained. Unfortunately, no amount of happiness that he felt for his friend could prevent the yawn escaping from his lips.

 

“Oh my- Sorry Enjolras. Is that seriously the time? You should probably go to bed.”

 

“Yeah.” He agreed, slowly leaving the comfort of the armchair and walking over to his bedroom, he stopped just before entering. “I’m really glad you guys worked it out.”

 

“Me too.” Combeferre smiled at him, but his expression turned serious. “Enjolras?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“This isn’t getting you out of the conversation we were meant to have at the library, you know.”

 

“What conversation?”

 

“Grantaire.” Combeferre said bluntly, looking unimpressed at Enjolras’ attempt to play dumb.

 

Enjolras gave him a tired wave of his hand, dismissing his concern as he shut his bedroom door and stripped, collapsing dead tired onto his mattress.

 

Sleep should have come easy to him, being this exhausted. But with one word Combeferre had prompted the beast he’d been trying to push away to the back of his mind and it had come back with a vengeance, and it was seeping through every facet of his thoughts, repeating the word in determination before it was all he dreamed about when sleep finally took him.

 

_ Grantaire, Grantaire, Grantaire.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas you filthy Animals :)


	4. The Climax of the Perfect Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Combeferre finally get's Enjolras to talk to him, and tries to make him see a harsh reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta Sara is wonderful but she's also been very sick lately (and I'm not talking about her sick moves). Please send her a lot of love and virtual cuddles on tumblr- omgchowderpls.tumblr.com
> 
> I will say straight off the bat that this chapter is mainly dialogue.

Incessant electronic beeping usually had Enjolras reaching sleepily and grumpily over to the snooze button this early in the morning, but today Enjolras’ moves were clear and precise in turning the alarm on his phone off the second it started it’s tune. 

 

He had already been awake for the last two hours.

 

His dream had been, well, odd to say the least, and disconcerting to say the most; Grantaire was there, the rest of Les Amis too and for a reason that was beyond Enjolras they were all playing a strange game of cards. It had all been going well until himself and Grantaire were the last two players remaining. Grantaire was all smirks and winks and smugness in the climax of the game, but as soon as Enjolras revealed he had been carrying the Queen of hearts his face became an unreadable blank canvas and his friends had all begun to shout at him. Grantaire had left the table, leaving his own hand- an ace of spades behind him. When Enjolras tried to follow him, he found that Grantaire’s steps were leaving a trail of small and blossoming pansy’s on the ground beneath him. The man himself was nowhere to be seen, Enjolras had no choice but to follow the flowers, they led him to a large and threateningly red door with an handle made of opal. 

 

Dream Enjolras somehow knew that the door was unlocked, yet he was still hesitant in opening it. A voice somewhere far distant that sounded like a mix between his own and Combeferre’s told him to ‘ _ Just open it already! _ ’. He turned the handle to find Grantaire was waiting for him behind the door. Enjolras had tilted his head in a question, the blank expression on Grantaire’s face changed suddenly into a enigmatic smile. He held out his palm facing upwards to Enjolras, pointing to the end of his sleeve, an ace of hearts slid out from the fabric and into his hand.

 

Enjolras had awaken frustrated and confused. He had no care for dream interpretations, he usually had no time to dwell on them, but this one had left him wanting more, craving the meaning and the reason that prompted the strange occurrence in his mind. He had spent the last two hours debating whether or not he should bother Jehan with this. He had no doubt in his mind that they would have a poetic and precise explanation for what this all meant but a part of him also didn’t want to know. His alarm shook him out of his uncertainty and he left his phone untouched and silent on his nightstand, pushing himself out of the covers and making his way into the bathroom.

 

After completing his morning routine, Enjolras splashed his face with water again and again, trying to replace metaphorical questions with the bitter reality. Grantaire was real and coming over, he didn’t make flowers appear at his feet or hide cards up his sleeve or hide behind doorways to make Enjolras follow him.

 

_ It doesn’t mean anything. It was just a stupid dream _ . He told himself, looking sternly at the reflection whilst brushing his teeth.

  
_ It doesn’t matter _ . Enjolras thought as he pulled a loose fitting long sleeved tee over his head, making sure that this time, he was definitely wearing it the right way.

 

_ It was stupid anyw _ \- his thought was broken by a knock on the door.  _ Shit.  _ He had forgotten he had given Grantaire his apartment’s entrance code before he left yesterday, and now was scrambling to finish pulling his pants up whilst also half walking, half hopping to the door. He stopped just before it, checking his fly, his shirt, and pulling back a ringlet that had fallen in front of his eyes.

 

Enjolras took a deep breath, attempting to calm himself and not appear strange before opening the door and greeting Grantaire with quick la bise, he was still slightly out of breath by the time he pulled away.

 

“Hi.” Enjolras greeted, stepping back to let him inside.

 

“Hey.” Grantaire replied, taking the invitation and entering the hallway. It was at that point that Enjolras noticed the almost comically oversized tote bag that he had swung over his shoulder.

 

“That’s not studying apparatus is it?” Enjolras asked, feeling slightly intimidated by it’s size. Grantaire laughed, the sound of it was warm and freeing, filling Enjolras with contentment.

 

“No, no. _ This _ is for after studying. If you do well that is. We may not be using a sexual reward system this time, but we can still use a reward system, right? Fridge?”

 

“Uh. Down the hall? “Enjolras said pointing him in the direction of the kitchen, getting more and more curious of the bag’s contents by the second.

 

Expecting Grantaire to grab a drink or a snack, Enjolras followed him to make sure none of Combeferre’s precious Kinder Pingui were taken without his permission. Instead, Grantaire opened the fridge and slid three containers inside. 

 

“Am I allowed to ask-?”

 

“All will be revealed by the end of the night, my dear, sweet Enjolras.” His tone was light and joking, but his words still caused Enjolras to cough and look away from his face. His gaze was driven to the bag again, he noticed that even with the absence of containers it still appeared to be overly full.

 

“Look, if you do ask I’ll tell you, because you’re too hard to say no to.” Grantaire said when he noticed his stare. “But fair warning, you will ruin something very magical if you force me to spoil my surprise.”

 

“Why am I surrounded by so many dramatic people?” Enjolras asked with a roll of his eyes.”Fine, I won’t ask. Just know that I am very, very curious.”

 

“Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back, and hopefully by the end of the night you are very, very satisfied.” 

 

“It’s not weird sex stuff is it?” Enjolras asked crinkling his nose.

 

“Oh my God, why do you keep asking me if I’m into weird things? Do I look like some ghastly sex creep?” Grantaire dumped the bag on one of the kitchen chairs before laughing at himself. “On second thought, don’t answer that. I promise it’s not kinky in the slightest. It doesn’t even have anything to do with sex.”

 

“Oh.” Enjolras said, surprised. “Okay then.” He had to bite his tongue to stop himself from asking him what it actually was.

 

“So I was thinking we could try that boring method that wasn’t working last time, you know? Give traditional study another chance before jumping straight into bed- literally and metaphorically- with the sex-study method.” Grantaire said as he fished a pencil out of the bottom of the bag, he cringed before lowering his voice suddenly. “Shit, sorry. Combeferre isn't home, is he?”

 

“No.” Enjolras shook his head. “He went out early for breakfast. And I think that sounds like a plan. I really don’t want to be distracted today.” 

 

“Great. Well I’ll  _ try _ to tone my irresistibility and terribly distracting charm down but I can’t make any promises.” Grantaire said sarcastically. Enjolras resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. If Grantaire only knew his words actually held some weight when it came to Enjolras he would not be joking around. 

 

Enjolras wondered briefly if he would even believe him if he tried to tell him he  _ was _ terribly distracting and surprisingly charming. He could only predict a self doubting and deprecating reply which would follow and more than likely result in them arguing or being silent with each other. Enjolras definitely didn’t need that today so he swallowed his compliment, turning to the cupboard above him and taking out two mugs.

 

“I’ll make us some coffee if you want to start prepping some practise questions. How do you take it?”

 

“No milk, no sugar. Unless it’s that awful instant stuff, then lots of milk and two sugars.”

 

Enjolras shot him an apologetic look as he held the can of instant coffee up to him.

 

“Oh, Enj,” Grantaire said in a mock sympathetic tone, placing a hand over his heart. Despite the fact the nickname was being used in humour, Enjolras felt a tingling in his fingertips at the sound of it on Grantaire’s tongue. “I had no idea this was how you were living. I’m so sorry.”

 

* * *

 

Three and a half hours down and Enjolras felt as though his head was going to explode.    
  


“This isn’t working!” He whined as he fell backwards onto his mattress, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles before running his hands down his face and sighing.

 

“It  _ is _ working, Enj.” Grantaire said sympathetically. Enjolras stilled at the use of the nickname again. There was no humour or teasing in Grantaire’s tone, only sincerity, and Enjolras thought with a start that he could actually get used to him calling him pet names sweetly and softly. Grantaire continued, thankfully breaking that train of thought. “You’ve only got like five questions wrong in the last few hours. How many have I asked you overall? A hundred? A million? A billion?”

 

“Definitely not a billion.” Enjolras sighed again. “I don’t know? Somewhere between a hundred and a million I guess?”

 

“Exactly. Five is nothing. You need to stop being so hard on yourself.”

 

Enjolras made a noise between a frustrated acceptance and a dissatisfied whine, words seemingly lost to him as he rubbed at the blinding pain forming in his temple.

 

“Okay that’s it.” Grantaire said slamming the large textbook shut and rising from the chair quickly. “You need a break, and brain food. It’s time for surprise number one.”

 

“There’s multiple surprises?” Enjolras asked hopefully, slowly raising himself into a sitting position.

 

“I know right?” Grantaire smirked as he left the room. “Lucky you.”

 

Lucky, it seemed was not the right word. After a few minutes Grantaire walked back into the room, his arms full with platter of bread, soft cheeses and grapes. Underneath his arm he was balancing one of the smaller containers. Once he settled himself and the platter on the bed he opened the lid, revealing a large amount of tiny, decorated cupcakes.

 

“Grantaire,” Enjolras said with an embarrassed smile, taking one of the cupcakes and looking closer at the frosting. He had picked up one of the red ones, leaving the blue and white ones behind in the container. “You’re spoiling me.”

 

Grantaire laughed as he tossed a grape into his mouth. “I am not. I’m just making sure you eat and don’t die half starved to death with your head buried in a textbook.”

 

Enjolras bit into the cupcake, his eyes closing naturally as the frosting melted on the tip of his tongue, the sponge of the cake was sweet and soft. He made a satisfied noise as he swallowed the bite. He wasn’t usually one for sweets but he could happily be converted if they all tasted like this.

 

Opening his eyes he found Grantaire staring at him with rosy cheeks and a half shy grin on his face.

 

“Did you make these?” He asked in amazement.

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire said ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck. “But please don’t tell Bahorel. He’ll want to have competitive bake-offs if he finds out there’s another baker in the group.”

 

“I would be happy to keep that a secret if it means you only make them for me.” Enjolras said taking another bite.

 

Grantaire swallowed, giving him a funny look. “Yeah. Sure, anytime.” 

 

* * *

 

‘“Seriously though, thank you.” Enjolras said after they’d left the platter with nothing left but crumbs and grape vines. There was still half a container left of cupcakes, but as much as he wanted to have them all, he just simply couldn’t fit anymore in.

 

“So, back to studying?” Grantaire asked dusting off his jeans and placing the platter and container onto Enjolras’ desk.

 

Enjolras groaned, lying back down on the bed and pulling a pillow over his face.

 

“Do we have to? Can’t you just bake me things and I eat them all and drop out of school and solve world peace and world hunger with cooking?”

 

Enjolras felt a weight shift beside him on the bed. “You can’t drop out of school, Enj. The world needs you too much.” Grantaire’s voice sounded different when he used this soft and sympathetic tone.

 

“You did.” Enjolras muttered.

 

“Yeah well I’m not exactly a perfect role model am I?” The sympathy was gone, replaced by bitterness and frustration. “C’mon Enjolras, don’t be stupid. You don’t want to be like me. I’m broke and talentless and pretty much just wasting time and space, and will continue to do so until the day I die.”

 

“I’m not being stupid.” Enjolras said moving the pillow from his face and sitting up furiously and almost coming face to face with him. “And you’re not talentless for dropping out. You have to put your mental health before study-”

 

“Ha! My mental health? That’s rich.” Grantaire said his voice hitting a high pitch. “You know what happened to my precious mental health after I dropped out of school? It deteriorated. It flatlined. It packed it’s bags and did a runner. That’s what happens when you forcefully take the only constant routine and purpose in your life and replace it with shitty feelings and alcohol. And the  _ questions. _ Enjolras. Do you think you can handle the questions they’re going to ask you. Oh, but _ why _ did you drop out? Is that  _ really  _ an excuse to leave school? Are you sure you’re not just overreacting to this whole ‘ _ depression _ ’ thing? What  _ are _ you going to do with your life now? What do you  _ mean  _ you don’t have a plan? So you just wasted everybody’s time for _ nothing _ ?

 

“You’re not going to have more time to solve the world’s problems by dropping out of school Enjolras. You’re just going to have more assholes in your way. You can go on and on about how there’s not just one way for a person to get where they want to go, but I can guarantee you that in this day and age, for what you want to do and where you want to go- it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder to do it without a degree. And  _ shit _ , Enjolras. You’re impatient enough to want to fix things now and you’ve got what? Two years left? One? Do you know how much harder it’s going to be for you without the connections you’re making? How much longer it’s going to take? 

 

“This is why I used to ride your opinions so hard when I was in that bad year. It’s not because I didn’t care, it’s because I know you’re the only person in this whole fucked up world who’s going to make any real change. But you’re not going to be able to do it if you keep seeing the world through this wide eyed,optimistic, rose coloured glasses view. Don’t get me wrong. I was being a dick to you back then- a massive liver spotted, old and wrinkled whisky dick- but my whole point still stands.”

 

Grantaire took a breath, looking Enjolras in the eyes with such furious determination that for a second, he almost didn’t recognise him.

 

“The only person I believe is capable of making any real change in this hellhole is you. And you’re not going be able to do that by peddling cupcakes on the sidewalk. You need to finish school.”

 

Enjolras swallowed. He felt like he had a lot to say but no words were coming out. Grantaire looked nervous, a comprehension of how much he had just said dawning on him suddenly as he looked as if he was about to take back everything he had just said and run out the door.

 

“I- I wasn’t actually being serious about the cupcakes.” Enjolras said finally, for lack of better words. “I just think they’re neat.”

 

Grantaire smiled in relief at him, before clearing his throat and running a hand through his hair. “I, um… I never actually did say sorry for how I used to act- back then. When things were bad for me. Bad between us.”

 

“You don’t need to apologise.” Enjolras said kindly. “It happened but it’s done and it’s in the past. You weren’t really in a good place but I didn’t help things. I just couldn’t let anything go and that would exacerbate the issue. I’ve gotten better at thinking things through and taking in other viewpoints before going on a tirade. I just used to get so sick of seeing hate everywhere that I thought if you didn’t fully agree with what I was saying that you were automatically against everything I stood for. I didn’t stop to think that you can agree with a viewpoint but not with the way it’s being expressed or the tactics used to change things.”

 

“Yeah. I know you did. I used to deliberate push that.” Grantaire said with an apologetic smile. “Remember when we actually made everyone but Marius storm out of the cafe out of frustration? And he only stayed because he was too oblivious not to be polite.”

 

Enjolras chuckled at the memory, thinking he could actually laugh back at it now  _ with _ Grantaire seemed surreal. Back then it had seemed so impossible and serious. 

 

“Yeah but we’re not like that anymore.”

 

“We grew up. Who would have thought, hey?”

 

“And we’re not anywhere close to that bad with each other anymore. We’re okay, now.”

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire smiled at him, reaching over and awkwardly patting his knee. “I guess we are.” Grantaire withdrew his hand and placed them both in his lap, his gaze following his movement as he broke eye contact with Enjolras.

 

“Sorry if my half rant half ramble got a bit intense. I promise it was supposed to be semi-decent and a lot more inspirational than depressing. It’s just sometimes my mind feels like all my thoughts are piling up and clustering together, and I have to get all of them out all at once or my whole brain’s going to explode or something. I may have sounded like a dick, but in the middle of all those filler words and sentences what I was trying to say is that people like you need to stay in school so you can stand up for the people who can’t.”

 

Touched, Enjolras smiled at him, pulling his hand out of his lap and holding it in his. 

 

“I know. Thank you.”

 

It was all at once that Enjolras realised just how close they were to each other. Their knees were all but touching, in the effort to pull Grantaire’s hand into his own he had arched his back and leaned closer to him, their mouths were centimeters away from meeting. Grantaire’s eyelids were fluttering closed, his lips moving closer together. Enjolras panicked.

 

“I’m going to clean up!” He said suddenly pulling away, and busying himself with collecting their mugs and the platter and container. 

 

“Well we’re studying right after you get back.” Grantaire said, his back was facing Enjolras so he couldn’t see his expression, but his voice seemed normal and light. He certainly didn’t sound disappointed and based on that it didn’t seem as though he had been expecting them to kiss. Maybe Enjolras had misinterpreted things, read into something that wasn’t there and didn’t happen. Maybe he had seen what he wanted to see, and Grantaire’s small, subtle movements hadn’t actually happened. 

 

“No distractions, no excuses, but I will allow you to whine about how much it sucks as much as you want.” Grantaire continued, turning to face him. His expression seemed fine too, friendly even. Maybe it really had all been in Enjolras’ head.

 

He hurried out of the bedroom with an armful of dishes, ignoring his thoughts and dumping everything on the counter, causing a mug to almost topple off the edge. He caught it just in time, placing it upwards and taking in a deep breath as he stuck the remainder of the cupcakes back in the fridge and boiling the kettle on his way back to the sink.

 

His senses felt too aware, too self conscious, too on edge. He could hear Grantaire in the bedroom shifting off the bed and moving back to what he assumed was the chair at the desk. He flinched at the sound of a door opening, but his bedroom stayed half closed as he swung his head around to face it. He wasn’t exactly sure what he had expected to happen, for Grantaire to storm out and push him up against the kitchen wall, demand an explanation as to why they couldn’t kiss only to be stopped mid-sentence by Enjolras own lips-

 

“Good morning to you, Enjolras.” Combeferre’s voice crashed down on Enjolras’ thoughts. He turned towards the hallway to see a very content and very springy looking Combeferre placing his head in his hands and leaning his elbows on the kitchen counter.

 

“Oh. Hello, Ferre. Is it still morning? I thought it was noon. I didn’t hear you come in.”

 

“Well that’s awfully rude!” Combeferre said with a laugh, Enjolras beamed at the sound. It was the happiest he had heard him in weeks. “Aren’t you going to ask me how my date went?”

 

“How was your date?” Enjolras obliged him, smiling. He didn’t need an answer, the floaty and smitten smile that hadn’t left Combeferre’s lips since he entered the door told him that Courfeyrac had pulled out at least five romantic cliches for him.

 

“It was  _ everything. _ ” Combeferre replied in a dreamy and light tone, before giggling and sounding incredibly like a lovestruck teenager in doing so.

 

“Ooh, a date!” Grantaire leant the chair out of the bedroom door on it’s back two legs. “Did you and Courf kiss and makeup?”

 

The smile Combeferre came in wearing faded slightly upon seeing Grantaire, he raised his head out of his hands and his eyebrows at Enjolras in an unspoken question, clearly not expecting his presence. Enjolras busied himself by putting the used mugs in the sink and rinsing them, avoiding his accusing gaze. 

 

Grantaire laughed at his expression. “Don’t worry. The only person I spread gossip to is Courfeyrac, and this date is hardly news to him so your secret fling is safe with me.”

 

“Thank you, R.” Combeferre said clearing his throat his smile quickly returning at the mention of Courfeyrac. “Although I don’t expect it will be long until a certain somebody will break and won’t be able to resist changing their facebook relationship status.”

 

Grantaire let out a low whistle. “Yeah, I don’t think Courf’s the type to take anything slow.”

 

“Let’s hope not.” Combeferre muttered happily, before shooting Enjolras one last judgemental look and withdrawing into his bedroom, humming an upbeat and unfamiliar tune on his way.

 

“He’s still acting weird, you know.” Grantaire said under his breath, taking the fresh coffee Enjolras offered him as he shut the door behind them.

 

“Just ignore him, he’s a little bit mad at me.” Enjolras said retaking his seat and almost burning his tongue on his first sip.

 

“Why?” Grantaire asked, putting his own coffee on the desk. The steam rose high and fogged up the windowsill beside them.

 

Enjolras shrugged. He didn’t exactly want to tell him “It’s because of you.” The last thing he wanted was for Grantaire to overthink the situation and suddenly withdraw or feel as though he was unwelcome. Especially after the conversation they had just had.

 

“Roommate stuff.” He settled on.

 

Grantaire smiled knowingly at him. “Enjolras, did you throw a raging house party without telling your poor, graveyard shift working roommate and then were too hungover to clean up afterwards.”

 

“What? No, of course not I-” Enjolras frowned at Grantaire’s horribly hidden urge to laugh. “You’re making fun of me, aren’t you.”

 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t imagine you doing anything that would give you the label of ‘ _ bad roommate _ ’. ‘ _ Bad sleep cycle _ ’ maybe. Did you turn your textbook page too loud at two in the morning? Accidentally listen to a lecture on modern inclusionary feminism with the volume on five instead of three? Use all the coffee filters without buying more?”

 

“The only book that I’ve ever had wake somebody up was an audio-book that got stuck in my CD player when I was eight and wouldn’t turn off, I listen to lectures through my headphones and as you already know- we don’t use filters, we just have the instant stuff and water.”

 

“See? Perfect roommate material- apart from the instant thing. Is that what’s driving Combeferre over the edge? Too much awful coffee?”

 

“I can take the coffee away if it’s that bad.” Enjolras teased reaching for Grantaire’s cup, Grantaire instinctively gasped and quickly snatched it before Enjolras’ hand could wrap around the handle. He laughed and shook his head. “Anyway, I think if you were forced to stay with me you’d actually find me quite insufferable. I’m pretty hard to live with, you know, I’m not perfect.”

 

Grantaire hummed smiling as he folded his legs up onto the chair and opened up the textbook.

 

“I seriously doubt that, but I guess I’ll never know.” He sighed with feigned regret. “I can’t really see us ever living together. I mean, could you imagine?”

 

Enjolras could imagine, as it turned out, and once the words were out of Grantaire’s mouth it was hard to stop imagining. He saw Grantaire’s socks on the bathroom floor next to the laundry basket (there was no way he’d be the type to care if he missed from the bed). His comics stacked unevenly in between Enjolras’ books (Grantaire’s weird knick knacks wouldn’t actually go too badly with Enjolras’ furniture either, now that he thought about it). Cranky, morning arguments over instant coffee until one of them (probably Grantaire) caved and bought them a really good machine. Small dotted paint stains on the tiles beneath them as they cooked together in the kitchen (and if he accidentally burnt some food and Grantaire had to take over the frypan, and the only useful thing Enjolras could do was to wrap his arms around Grantaire’s waist as he cooked, then so be it). Snoozing his alarm and being pulled back into bed in the mornings, being kissed-

 

Shit. Don’t think about  _ that _ . Stop thinking about that _ right now _ . 

 

Enjolras forced himself to laugh out loud. His unexpected volume seemed to startle Grantaire slightly.

 

“No, I can’t.” He said opening his study book to a new blank page. 

 

Grantaire gave him a strange look and Enjolras cleared his throat, feeling slightly guilty about the lie. “You’re too fussy when it comes to coffee.” He added in a mumble, placing his hand in his cheek and staring intently at the blank page below him in an attempt to hide his blush. “We’d have to buy a stupid expensive machine or just constantly go out for it or something.”

 

Grantaire laughed differently than he normally would in reply. It seemed hollow and vacant and a lot like the fake laugh that Enjolras had just forced himself to do.

 

“Yeah, I guess. Umm.. We should probably get back to-”

 

“Yeah. Studying. Yes, you’re right.”

 

Before Enjolras could embarrass himself further, a quiet and tentative knock came through the door.

 

“Yes?” 

 

Combeferre poked his head through the doorway, clearly relieved he hadn’t walked into anything less innocent than studying.

 

“Enjolras, can I see you for a second? The sink in the bathroom is doing that thing again.” Combeferre exited the room before Enjolras could even answer him. He sighed and rose to follow.

 

“I didn’t know you were a plumber, Enjolras.” Grantaire teased as he made his way out, teetering his chair on it’s hind legs once more and tucking the pencil he was holding behind his ear. “Is that why Ferre’s mad? You’re charging him ridiculous hourly rates? For shame.” 

 

“Oh would you just drop it? I’m not telling you.”

 

“Never. I refuse to believe you’re horrible to live with!” Grantaire shouted after Enjolras as he walked away. He was glad that he was well out of room by the time Grantaire had stopped talking. He didn’t have any kind of reply to that that didn’t sound like a threatening invitation to move in with him. 

 

Enjolras found Combeferre standing in the bathroom with his scrubs on, waiting for him. He shut the door behind them as soon as Enjolras was inside.

 

“So, you’re moving in together now?” He asked completely deadpan.

 

“Oh my God, it was a joke!” Enjolras replied tersely before looking around the bathroom. “Wait a minute, what does this have to do with the sink?”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with the sink, Enjolras!” Combeferre said in a sharp whisper.

 

“So you lied to me to corner me into talking to you?” He asked, pretending to be scandalised. The fact that Combeferre was already dressed in his scrubs meant that he’d have to leave for work soon. If he could just find a way to stall until Combeferre had to leave then he could put this conversation off for another few days. Just until exams were over. Then he could think and speak clearly about everything. Whatever ‘ _ everything’ _ was.

 

“I’m not lying to you anymore than you’re lying to yourself.” Combeferre replied cooly, seeing past Enjolras’ attempt to procrastinate. There really was no way of getting around it.

 

Except if he-

 

As if Combeferre was reading his mind (or perhaps just by following his gaze) he grabbed the door handle and held it shut before Enjolras could try to escape. Enjolras grabbed the handle too, attempting to overpower Combeferre’s grip, it was a useless attempt but he tried to move the handle.

 

“No, Enjolras!” Combeferre scolded sternly as though he was some misbehaved puppy. “We are having this conversation!”

 

“Why?” Enjolras asked furiously, being sure to keep his voice low. The last thing he needed was for Grantaire to overhear them. “Why do we have to have this conversation now, in the bathroom, when he is  _ here _ , in the house.”

 

“Aha! So you do care if he overhears us? Why don’t you ask yourself why that is, Enjolras?” Combeferre was whispering too, keeping his tone on the cusp of low and dangerous.

 

“Of course I care, Combeferre! I’d care if we were having this conversation about Feuilly, or Bahorel, or God forbid even Marius! It’s rude to drag somebody out of their room for the sole purpose of talking behind another person’s back whilst they’re supposed to be a guest in our house!”

 

“That’s not why you care, Enjolras, and you know it. You’re just trying to pass blame and guilt onto me so that we don’t have to have this conversation!”

 

“What conversation? We don’t need to have a conversation because there’s nothing to talk about!”

 

“Enjolras, you are in love with him!”

 

Enjolras stopped trying to open the door. His grip slowly sliding from the handle. 

 

Combeferre sighed before continuing.

 

“I wasn’t sure if you felt that strongly about him before this started. I knew it was something but I didn’t know if it was that, but now I do. I thought maybe it’s just an attraction or a crush, but I see you now and you’re different with him. It’s a good different but it’s worrying when you’re doing…  _ this _ together. And I have no idea whether or not he returns those feelings for you. We may be close in other regards but we’ve never discussed _ that. _ ” Combeferre said with a sigh. “And either, you’re going to get hurt, or he’s going to get hurt or you’re both going to hurt each other so please just stop doing this to yourself before somebody does.”

 

Enjolras felt as though he was breathing heavily, he only realised his hands were clenched when he felt his nails digging into his palms.

 

“I’m not in love with anyone.” Enjolras said quietly, looking down at the a patch of mildew in the corner tiles, he couldn’t bring himself to look Combeferre in the eyes. “You’re projecting.”

 

Combeferre’s hand had slipped off the handle a few moments after Enjolras’ had, leaving him free to open the door and leave. He quickly took advantage of the situation and made his way out of the door refusing to let himself think about it. He stopped before heading further down the hall, turning back and swinging the bathroom door open.

 

“Just so you’re aware I am mad at you for this but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy for you. And I want details later.”

 

Combeferre gave him a sad smile, shrugging his shoulders. “I’ll happily oblige your request. But I’m still mad at you, too.”

 

“Noted.” 

 

Enjolras almost slammed the door behind him back in his bedroom, he tried to forget the conversation had ever happened, filing it away in the same compartment of his brain he had been hiding a lot of intrusive thoughts lately.

 

“Everything okay?” Grantaire asked tentatively.

 

Enjolras looked at him, suddenly worried he had overheard, his expression was concerned and he wanted nothing but to kiss it away. He hoped he hadn’t heard anything. They had both been whispering and the door had been shut (Combeferre had definitely made sure of that) but he was still unsure just how much sound could travel through their walls. 

 

“Yeah, just roommate stuff.” He said quietly. 

 

Grantaire gave him a sympathetic smile. “Well, you’re back now, and I’m enforcing a strict no distraction rule from here on out. Roommate issues or not if Combeferre wants to talk to you again he’s going to need a permission slip or a Doctor’s note- wait no, scratch that he could just write one himself. A permission slip from me or nothing.”

 

Enjolras returned his smile, a warm happiness buzzing in his chest. “That sounds good to me.”

 

* * *

 

The no distraction rule was a pointless guideline to enforce when Grantaire himself was the distraction. But somehow, with sheer concentration and a iron will to prove his friend wrong, Enjolras powered through their study session with minimal thought disruptions involving scenarios with Grantaire.

 

Combeferre had left almost immediately after their conversation without saying goodbye, but this concept he had planted in Enjolras’ mind did not seem to want to stay in the “I can’t focus on you now, I’ll focus on you later” part of his brain. 

 

It was worse still when it began to feel late, and Grantaire was looking incredibly sleepy as his words started to slur and his eyes began to droop, his head resting comfortably in his hand. There was no other word for it except for adorable. 

 

“Okay, that’s it. We’re done for the day.” Enjolras announced closing his book finally after Grantaire’s head slipped from his hand for the fourth time in half in hour. This time it had come dangerously close to hitting the desk.

 

“What?” Grantaire asked through a yawn. “No, no. I’m up, I’m up. No distractions, remember?” He blinked a few times before rubbing his eyes. “What time is it anyway?”

 

Enjolras walked over to where he had left his phone and checked his lock screen. No messages from Combeferre. That was making his stomach do guilt flips. If he hadn’t apologised through text by now it meant that he was firm in his belief that he was right which also meant that Enjolras had to take what he had said seriously, and seriously think about it. Which was definitely not good. He sighed, his eyes focusing on the time.

 

“Oh.” He said surprised.

 

“What? Please don’t tell me it’s like two in the afternoon or something. Why the fuck does study warp the laws of space and time? I’m going to be cursing poli-sci until the day I die.”

 

“Um... It’s actually closer to midnight.” Enjolras said holding up his phone. 

 

“Huh. Well shit, no wonder I’m starving.”

 

“I think I have noodles somewhere.”

 

“Uh uh. No way. I didn’t come here and help for all this time just to see you pathetically succumb to the students noodle plague. It’s time for surprise number two.”

 

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say that surprise number two is dinner.” 

 

“Spoilers!” Grantaire chastised, rising from his chair and beckoning for Enjolras to follow him to the kitchen. 

 

They sat exhausted on the floor waiting for the microwave to finish heating up their food, a pasta fettucine dish that Grantaire had prepared beforehand.

 

“I’m so glad I made this last night. Good thinking, past me.” Grantaire said with a contented sigh, his elbows resting on his knees as his head sank into his hands. “My original idea was just to bring the ingredients. Then we really would be eating noodles because-” He raised his hands into the air and leant backwards, his back hitting the floor gently. “I just could not be fucked.”

 

Enjolras tried not to think about Grantaire cooking in his kitchen, what that would look like, the jolt to the senses the aroma and sight would cause him. Instead he forced himself to focus on the stale, dim light of his microwave, as the plate inside slowly turned around and around. 

 

“We practically are eating noodles. They’re premade, microwaveable, probably packed with sodium.”

 

“How dare you compare my _ lovely _ homemade cooking to that packaged shit.” Grantaire said sitting up in mock offence. “I even put my secret ingredient in there for you.”

 

“Let me guess, you made it with  _ love _ ?” Enjolras teased, he leaned towards him, intending to playfully headbutt his arm, but giving up halfway, instead resting his head on his shoulder.

 

“Nope.” Grantaire said with a triumphant smile as the microwave beeped out it’s generic tune. “Oregano.”

 

* * *

“This is ridiculous.” Enjolras said taking his last bite from the bowl. “You cannot be this good at cooking. It’s just not fair.”

 

They hadn’t moved from the kitchen floor, being too tired to relocate and too hungry to fight it. Enjolras moved his empty plate to the ground, the loud clinking on the tiles waking him up slightly. He wanted sleep more than anything and moved slowly into a reclining position on the floor, his head lying on Grantaire’s lap as he closed his eyes and sighed contently.

 

“I don’t really think boiling water, making sauce and throwing some cheese on top counts as cooking.” Grantaire said through a mouthful of pasta. “But if that’s a compliment, then I’ll take it.”

 

“You’ve made a huge mistake, doing this. Now you can never stop cooking for me. I’m just going to demand it all the time.”

 

“Ha! So you’ve finally revealed your greatest weakness! Twas the simple means of food all along.” Grantaire placed his own plate to one side and began to run a hand through Enjolras’ hair. The motion was so relaxing and soothing that he let out a satisfied moan. “You fool, Enjolras. Now I know how to keep you around forever!”

 

“Just keep giving me food and I won’t even try to leave.” Enjolras mumbled. He would have happily fallen asleep right then and there had he not heard the front door open and close and footsteps approaching. He was much too sluggish and slow to respond in time, and before he could even so much as lift his head, Combeferre’s feet were within his slightly upside down view. 

 

“You two are still up.” Combeferre said. His tone was quiet and slightly entertained, which was making Enjolras think that he was up to something. Finding him lying here like this on Grantaire’s lap was probably doing nothing to help his case look good, he stood up quickly. Too quickly- his head was spinning suddenly and he had to hold the counter to steady himself.

 

“Hey, Ferre.” Grantaire said in a slightly slurred voice, half raising his hand in greeting.

 

“Are you just really, really tired or did you give up and get really, really drunk?” Combeferre asked looking at both of them with concern. “I’m not judging I just genuinely can’t tell.”

 

“The former.” Enjolras replied.

 

“Wish it was the latter though.” Grantaire muttered as he collected the plates on the floor and rose to his feet also. “I’ve been tricked into actually learning about poli-sci. I know things. Awful, horrible, boring things that I can’t unread. It’s hell.”

 

“It’s awfully nice of you to do that when you don’t like it very much.” Combeferre said eying him carefully and smiling deviously. Enjolras didn’t like the tone of voice he was using, he was very clearly up to something and it was more than likely a ploy for Enjolras to admit that he was right. “You’re not going home now, are you?”

 

“Well I thought I might soon, actually.” Grantaire said looking slightly uncomfortable. “It’s getting late you know.”

 

“And you’re obviously very tired.” Combeferre said looking at Enjolras who narrowed his eyes at him. “Why don’t you stay instead? You’re already here and you were almost sleeping anyway.”

 

“Oh no, it’s fine, really. I walk home late all the time.” Grantaire said laughing nervously. “I mean I’ve been here for like 16 hours already so I’m sure Enjolras can’t wait to get rid of me by now.”

 

“No he doesn’t,  _ do you _ , Enjolras?” Goddamn him and his scheming. 

 

“I don’t care. You can stay.” He replied quickly, not giving Combeferre the satisfaction of looking him in the eye as he said it. “You  _ should _ stay, actually.”

 

“Enjolras wants you to stay.” Combeferre said with a meaningful smile. 

 

Enjolras could have murdered him.

 

“Uh. Okay? I mean, if you’re sure.” 

 

“Great! I’ll let Enjolras sort out the sleeping arrangements. Good night!” Combeferre called as he walked towards his room, turning to give Enjolras a satisfied smirk.

 

“I could really go for a shower.” Enjolras said suddenly. “Did you want to take one with me?”

 

“I feel like if I don’t I’m just going to pass out right here on your floor.” Grantaire said with a yawn. “And I can’t do that ‘cause I still owe you the last surprise.”

 

“You really don’t owe me anything. In fact, I think by now I owe you. Um, feel free to grab a towel from my wardrobe and start without me. I’ve just gotta talk to Ferre for a sec.”

 

“Roommate stuff?” Grantaire said with an amused smile and a raise of his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah. That.” Enjolras rushed off towards Combeferre’s bedroom, he didn’t bother knocking as he entered the room.

 

“I really don’t understand you.” Enjolras said as he closed the door behind him. “He has stayed over before you know. You’re not going to make me end things just by asking him to stay. I like his company. I don’t care.”

 

“I know, Enjolras.” Combeferre said with a chuckle, he’d already changed into his pyjamas and was halfway into bed. “I’m not trying to make you end things anymore.”

 

“What? Since when? Why not?” Enjolras asked confused.

 

“Well you see, one of the benefits of being in a relationship is the fact that you get to know twice the amount of secrets, and that changes things.”

 

“How does it change things? And wait. In a relationship? Like officially?” 

 

“It just does okay. I’m not saying anything else- I promised I wouldn’t. I get to have twice the secrets not tell twice the secrets. He made that very clear. And yeah-” Combeferre picked up his phone from his duvet and opened it, beaming. “Look; facebook official.”

 

Combeferre showed Enjolras his screen proudly. There it was, a brand new life event posted by Courfeyrac himself. It was a nice picture of them both, having a brunch in the park and looking adorably happy together, Enjolras assumed they had been taken it this morning. Although he could be wrong, they did have an awful lot of brunches together before they’d been going out. It was incredibly frustrating to watch the two of them practically date each other without admitting they both had feelings. Judging by the amount of comments posted on the status there had to have been at least fifteen people telling them that exact thing.

 

“I really want to hug you because that’s great and I’m very happy for you both, but I’m not sure if I should still be mad at you or not.”

 

“You can hug me. I promise I’m not meddling. I just really didn’t think it was a good idea for him to walk home tonight. I mean you were both practically asleep on the floor.”

 

“If you promise.” Enjolras said, happily closing the space between them and tightly embracing his friend. He bid Combeferre goodnight and congratulations, still thoroughly confused at what on earth had transpired to make him change his mind so quickly when he had been so insistent earlier. Maybe Courfeyrac had talked him out of it. Did that mean that Courfeyrac knew too? For some reason the idea of him knowing wasn’t scary to Enjolras anymore.

 

Back in his bedroom, he couldn’t take the wondering anymore. With all the tension and talks with Combeferre, the discussion of ‘ _ twice the amount of secrets _ ’- whatever that meant- and an incredibly exhausting day, the dream was back in his mind and weighing on him heavily. Reaching for his phone he sent Jehan a white lie in text form. Explaining that his friend (that Jehan hadn’t met) had a strange dream and really wanted to know what it meant, before going into a detailed explanation. 

 

“Do you have free hot water or something?” Grantaire asked popping his very wet head out of the bathroom door.

 

“What? Oh. No- sorry, I’m coming.” 

 

The steam of the shower made the bathroom tiles wet with precipitation. Enjolras stepped carefully into the room, placing the clothes he’d grabbed for afterwards on top of the towel rack he began to strip down. Grantaire blew a wolf whistle from the shower.

 

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” Enjolras said as he took the last of his clothes off.

 

“Hey, that was a serious whistle. I don’t know if you know this Enjolras, in fact it would probably be weird for you to not realise this considering the extent of your attractiveness but you are actually incredibly and impossibly hot.”

 

Enjolras ignored him as he stepped into the shower and leant his head on Grantaire’s shoulders. To acknowledge what he had said would send him into a frenzy of thoughts he didn’t want to have right now, and would open up the floodgates for more questions in his already overloaded mind.

 

“How do you still have the energy to talk so much?”

 

“I don’t know. Witch’s curse? If you can get me to shut up you are truly a miracle worker.”

 

“I think I could.” The hot water on his face was beginning to awaken his senses. He reached his hand down and wrapped it gently around Grantaire’s cock, the water trickling down the pair of them as Enjolras began to stroke.

 

“I thought the point of having a shower was to get clean, not dirty.” Grantaire smirked.

 

“Hmm... Still talking.” Enjolras leaned into his neck and softly bit his earlobe. Enjolras wrapped his arm around Grantaire’s torso and drew his nails down his back, not hard enough to break skin or leave a mark, but deep enough to illicit a low groan from him.

 

“Shit.” Grantaire said opening his eyes said looking at him apologetically. “You’re not home alone. I should be quiet.”

 

“Yes, you should.” Enjolras said with a small laugh. Running his nails down again and watching him bite his lip in an effort to keep quiet. “That’s what I’m trying to do remember? Shut you up.” He quickened his pace and leaned into Grantaire’s neck once more, kissing and gnawing at a red mark left there. 

 

“I think I gave you a hickey last time.” Enjolras said slightly proud of himself.

 

“I know you gave me a hickey last time.” Grantaire said in a very strangled tone. Trying to hold back another noise of pleasure. “I almost considered wearing a scarf.”

 

“Why didn’t you?”

 

“Because your lips are like a very expensive red wine. You can’t be annoyed at the stain it leaves, you have to show it off. ‘ _ Look at this gorgeous wine I get to drink, and you don’t! _ ’”

 

“That’s very poetic.” Enjolras said biting at the mark and making Grantaire breathe in sharply through his teeth. “It’s also bullshit. Nobody knows what kind of wine you drink just from the stain that it leaves.”

 

“You got me.” Grantaire said, and Enjolras was very pleased to hear the strain it was causing him to talk. “I’m just shallow and I like people knowing I got laid.”

 

“That’s not shallow, that’s just crass.” It seemed as though Enjolras had finally rendered him unable to reply. Grantaire bit his bottom lip and held onto the shower wall. It wasn’t long after that he reached his climax, his other hand gripping tightly into Enjolras’ upper back.

 

They stayed pressed together in the shower a few minutes longer. Swaying slowly against the hot steam, before Enjolras began to feel light headed again. He turned off the water, wrapping his towel around his shoulders and beginning to dry himself off. He got to his face when his vision got black spots and he suddenly felt dizzy again.

 

“Whoa, hey.” Grantaire caught him as he made to take a step backwards almost tripped over himself. “Sit down for a second.”

 

“Sorry.” Enjolras said letting himself be guided to the toilet and sitting down on the closed lid. “I think I’m just tired.”

 

“Yeah no shit.” Grantaire replied with a laugh, taking the towel from around his shoulders and carefully drying Enjolras’ hair with it. His fingers felt strong and steady as they brushed against the towel. “You’re also suffering from information overload, and a food coma. Come on, we’ll go to bed.”

 

“So, when do I get my last surprise.” Enjolras asked him with a smile, staring up at him from underneath the towel.

 

Grantaire looked hesitant as he bit his lip and looked towards the door.

 

“Actually, um, now that I think about it, it was kind of a dumb idea, you know? There’s nothing like a shower to make you think and question every decision you ever thought was right. I don’t even think you’ll like it, you’ll probably hate it- it’s probably more a my thing then a you thing and you’re really tired and-”

 

“R,” Enjolras interrupted him. He hardly ever used the nickname but something felt so right about using it in this moment. The effect was not lost on Grantaire, who was immediately silenced. “I know you went to some effort. I want to see what it is. Please?”

 

Grantaire still looked skeptical, but he eventually dropped his head, relenting.

 

“Fine. I told you it’s too hard to say no to you.” He said with slight annoyance as he pulled his boxers on. “Just stay here until I say, and you  _ have _ to tell me if you hate it.”

 

“Okay.” Enjolras smiled.

 

Grantaire left the bathroom, closing the door behind him and leaving Enjolras to stand and pull on his pants and tee shirt. Wiping the fog off the mirror he winced at the state of his hair. The only downside of having Grantaire towel dry it was that it was now sticking up at all different ends. How had he even looked straight at him without wanting to laugh at his appearance when he looked like this? He felt exposed and caught out. As though Grantaire had seen a side of him he was not supposed to see, the only thing that was stopping him from feeling completely and utterly vulnerable was the fact that Grantaire hadn’t seemed to care at all that his hair was far from perfect, that the heat of the steam brought out unsightly red patches in odd places on his cheeks.  _ He looks at me as though I’m made of marble even when I look more like melted plastic _ . Enjolras thought as he flattened his hair, moisturised and brushed his teeth. Nobody saw him like this. Not even Combeferre.

 

A soft tap came at the door, alerting Enjolras that it was okay for him to emerge. He took care to twirl one last ringlet of his hair around his finger before opening the door.

 

The lights were off in all places except for the end of the room where the place his bed usually was appeared to be emitting a soft and changing ambience.

 

At first glance it appeared as though Grantaire had taken his bed and replaced it with a massive teepee. Enjolras took a step closer and saw this was not actually the case. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes swept over the pillows, the blankets, the fairy lights and the candles.

 

“Is this-?”

 

“Yeah. A blanket fort.” Grantaire sounded embarrassed, and Enjolras noticed he was looking anywhere but at Enjolras. “Or a blanket barricade if you prefer… I mean it seemed like a really cool idea in my head but the more I thought about it the more I realised how childish and ridiculous it was. I can dismantle it if you don’t like-”

 

“No. Please don’t. I really like it. I promise.” Enjolras said quickly, taking hold of Grantaire’s hand in one of his own and tilting his chin towards him with the other. He took care to put as much gratefulness in his voice that he could. “This was really, really nice of you.”

 

Grantaire finally reached his eyes and smiled before quickly looking away.

 

“I just thought- It’s kinda perfect for the Three R’s. Which is everything you need after a hard day of studying.”

 

“The Three R’s?”

 

“Rest, Relaxation and-” Grantaire raised an eyebrow and pointed his thumb to his chest causing Enjolras to giggle. He felt giddy on fairy lights and exhaustion, and the little cocoon Grantaire had built looked so soft and tempting.

 

“I strongly concur.” Enjolras said, entwining his fingers around Grantaire’s and leading him into the blanket sanctuary.

 

The question of whether he definitely wanted to stay didn’t need to be asked as they crawled under the covers and Enjolras wrapped himself around Grantaire’s waist, burying his head into the pillow.

 

“Aren’t the candles a bit of a fire hazard?” Enjolras asked through a yawn, his eyelids already drooping shut.

 

“They’re not real.” Grantaire replied, his eyes shut tight, he too yawned as Enjolras felt his warm breath against his chest pause. “All batteries. No real flames.”

 

“That’s-” Enjolras stopped himself before he said the rest of the sentence.  _ Not very romantic. _

 

He was about to say  _ that’s not very romantic. _ Where the hell did that come from?!

 

“That’s very safe.” Enjolras said suddenly wide awake. Grantaire hummed in agreement, shuffling next to him until he was against his chest. 

 

_ Oh shit. Oh no. Oh crap what am I thinking? _

 

The thoughts that he had been repressing over the last few days seemed to suddenly burst out uncontrollably with Grantaire against him. 

 

Grantaire kissing him. Grantaire holding him. Grantaire going on dates with him. Grantaire  _ loving  _ him.

 

_ Don’t think about it just don’t think about it, oh my God, what is this. Don’t worry about it- not now, not ever, just block it out and GO. TO. SLEEP! What the hell? What the actual hell?! _

 

His phone buzzed on the nightstand, making him flinch slightly. Grantaire stirred against him but didn’t wake, his stubble nuzzling softly against his chest. Enjolras breathed outwards slowly before feeling the edge of the blanket for a gap, finding one and pushing through it to grab his phone. He made sure to turn his brightness all the way down before opening his lock screen. He had completely forgotten about the text he had sent Jehan asking for answers until now. He swallowed, making sure once more that Grantaire was asleep before opening the message.

 

**Jehan:**

 

Wow. You have friends outside of us???

I would be hurt and offended but full disclosure   
I’ve just returned from a midnight rendezvous with my

very own ‘friend that you don’t know’.

Take this rambling explanation as an apology for    
the late reply. We buried our phones in a shoebox underneath   
a willow tree so as not to be distracted from each other   
for the length of our date. It was very capital R Romantic.

He humours me too much. Anyway, the dream. 

Wow. Even Poe would blush at that extravagant 

amount of symbolism.

You need to tell your friend his brain is screaming at him.

1:43am   
  


 

Usually Enjolras would be over the moon that Jehan had found somebody so kind and willing to indulge them in their quirks and Romantic ideals, but currently all Enjolras cared about was the answer to the dream. He took great care to remember to be polite before replying.

  
  


**Me:**

 

That sounds very weird and nice 4 u Jehan

I hope ur friend is nice. :-)

What exactly is my friends brain screaming?

1:45am

 

**Jehan:**

 

Oh my sweet summer child, nice is not his usual business.

However I am the exception to that rule and currently

I am all a flutter. <3

I would usually make you wait until morning and tell you to stop

trying to solve your friends problems at 2am and go to sleep but

tonight I only hope my dreams are as detailedly romantic as your friends

My dear, you need to tell him that for his subconscious

mind to come up with so much romantic imagery   
that he must really be in love.   
Bonum Nox xo

1:49am

  
  


_ I really hate it when Combeferre’s right _ . Is what he thought.

 

“ _ Shit. _ ” Is what he whispered through gritted teeth.

 

The soft, blinking lights above him mocked him by illuminating Grantaire’s features in soft and delicate light. His sleeping face seemed much too peaceful, much too fragile, much too perfect.

 

_ I’m in love. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did quite a lot of research for Enjolras' dream. For those who are curious here is what it symbolises:
> 
> Dreaming about scandal (aka Les Amis yelling at them after a game of cards) = suggests that you are overly concerned with what others say or think about you.  
> Dreaming that you're playing cards mean you have to strategise certain areas of your life. To dream about a hearts suite= happiness in love. To dream about the spades suite = troubling times and disappointment. Enjolras is dreaming about both- interpret that as you will.  
> A pansy flower symbolises undying and never ending love (as they are coming out of Grantaire's feet... Well. I think we know whose undying love that is.)  
> To see a red door is to see a passion that you are keeping locked up within yourself.  
> Opal = sexual desire  
> To dream of hearing a voice is your subconscious telling you to speak your mind.  
> And I believe we already discussed the suite of hearts that Grantaire was keeping hidden.
> 
> Subtlety be damned. Enjolras' brain is so done with his shit. 
> 
> I live for your comments. They make everything so worth it. Please please tell me what you think or come scream at me about it on tumblr- vivalamusaine.tumblr.com. I would also love to hear any speculations/conspiracy theories you may have. :)


	5. These Thoughts are Inescapable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching the door close behind Grantaire’s back made all of the confusing and terrifying thoughts come back to Enjolras two fold. His lips still tingling with the touch of his cheek, he allowed himself to pace around the apartment, before falling backwards onto his bed, hiding his face in his hands and trying desperately not to overanalyze every interaction they had had over the past 24 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, long time no see. First of all I'm incredibly sorry for the delay- thank you so, so much for being lovely and patient and leaving your wonderful comments. Even though I didn't reply to all I read and loved each one.
> 
> So an explanation, you can skip this if you want to go straight to the story- I really cannot blame you.  
> First off a lot of things happened in my life which caused a severe delay in the story. These things included:  
> -Being burnt out and stressed from work  
> -Having a major identity crisis  
> -Followed by another major identity crisis at the frightful thought of turning 23  
> -ACTUALLY turning 23  
> -A friend going through a major breakup and moving in with me and trying to be there for them as much as possible
> 
> Mix with a pinch of writers block and an overflowing cup of changing what I wanted the story to be/how I wanted it to go/major timeline event changes- and you have 4 months of no update.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry. but it's here now and I hope you like it.
> 
> I will say before going in, this chapter will read differently than the rest. For one thing, there's no sex in this chapter but there is a lot of Enjolras.
> 
> Thank you all for waiting, and your patience, and my beautiful beta for waiting and waiting and jumping straight in after waiting for so long, ily Sara. <3

Panic is what drenched Enjolras in a cold sweat and kept him staring at the blinking fairy lights for hours on end. Panic is what gripped at the vessels of his heart, ensnaring them like a marionette’s tangled strings. Panic made him internally scream each time Grantaire, blissfully and ignorantly asleep, held him tighter or nuzzled at his jawline.

 

Eventually, after many hours of remaining frozen, the panic broke and chilled into semi-calm storm clouds, threatening to burst inside of his chest.

 

This was completely terrifying.

 

It was a problem, no doubt about it, and he would have to deal with it. He didn’t know why that was so scary- he was used to dealing with problems. That wasn’t to say that Grantaire himself was a problem; but his star glazed eyes, his half smirk-half smile, his soft and unrelenting stubble, they would certainly be if Enjolras had any chance of getting through this.

 

He had no other choice. He would need to do the one thing he had been avoiding for the past week- analyse his feelings and come up with a logical solution.

 

Enjolras closed his eyes hard and internalised a deep sigh.

 

It was going to be a long night.

 

Hours later, he finally drifted off to sleep contemplating these scenarios with Grantaire pressed warmly against his chest. It was no surprise that he was dreaming of him.

 

* * *

 

There was a calm happiness surrounding him the next day. He awoke slowly, his consciousness drifting as he kept his eyes closed. For the briefest of moments- no longer than a minute- he was trapped between the blissful memories of sleep and raw reality.

 

They were confusedly merged together in his state of semi-consciousness, and when he opened his eyes to see Grantaire staring back at him, one arm wrapped loosely around his waist, he could have sworn for a second that they were more than they were.

 

“Hey.” Enjolras greeted softly.

 

Grantaire was looking at him strangely, it was only then that reality hit him in a crushing freefall of alarm.

 

He sat up quickly, accidentally knocking Grantaire’s arm aside and making his head spin and his vision darken in the process, he squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to make the room stop moving.

 

“Are you alright?” Grantaire asked with genuine concern. Enjolras could only guess how confusing it must have been for him to look upon his face so lovingly only to immediately sit up and close his eyes.

 

“Fine.” Enjolras muttered, a horrid wave of memories flooding back to him suddenly. “Just a strange dream.”

 

Opening his eyes, he saw Grantaire reaching his palm out to feel Enjolras’ forehead, and had to remind himself to breathe as his hand came close. He also had to stop himself from leaning into his touch the moment he came into contact. His skin felt warm and soft against his forehead, and this close to his hair he ached for him to run his hand through it as he had the night before.

 

“Just as I thought.” Grantaire said in a grim tone, pulling his hand away. “You’re hot.”

 

“What?” Enjolras asked, putting his own hand to his head to feel it. “No, I’m not. I feel fine.”

 

“I wasn’t talking about your temperature.” Grantaire said with a sly smile, and Enjolras felt his stomach perform an intense acrobatic routine. “You see there’s a reason there’s a stereotype about dumb blondes. All that peroxide is finally seeping into your head.”

 

Enjolras hit his shoulder with a pillow.

 

“It happens to be natural, you ass!”

 

Grantaire was laughing as Enjolras knocked him again and he tumbled onto his side, grabbing Enjolras by his wrist and pulling him down to his side.

 

“Well, duh, Enj.” He said through his laughter as he moved his hand up Enjolras’ leg and squeezed his inner thigh. He pulled Enjolras’ face close to his so he could whisper in his ear, twirling a curl of his locks with his other hand. “What’s that saying about the carpet matching the drapes?”

 

Enjolras felt his face grow hot, and cursed whichever entity had made him fall so hard for him. He felt hopeless, weak, and completely at his mercy.

 

“I’m glad you’re awake.” Grantaire said . “I didn’t want to have to wake you up and invoke your unholy wrath. I have to leave for work.” He certainly didn’t sound thrilled about it and Enjolras lamented his haste to open his eyes. If he had kept the illusion of sleep up for longer he could have basked in the feeling of holding or being held.

 

“Oh.” Enjolras said trying not to let his disappointment show in his tone.

 

Grantaire looked up and around at the half collapsed fort above them.

 

“Help me get this down?”

 

Enjolras benevolently put his feelings to one side as he nodded, reaching upwards and beginning to dismantle the blankets.

 

“Wait,” Grantaire interceded, reaching his hand towards Enjolras’, but it was too late, the structure quickly collapsed and enveloped the two in a soft shelter.

 

Lifting the blanket, Enjolras was able to see Grantaire’s face, illuminated by the still blinking fairy lights even clearer in the dark cascade.

 

“I meant after we’re out of the bed.” Grantaire said with a laugh. Soon, Enjolras was laughing too as he pulled Grantaire down and pressed his body against him.

 

As Enjolras began to press small kisses down the trail of Grantaire’s stomach and trace small lines against his arms, things seemed simple and easy- until the complicated feelings that Enjolras had spent the night uneasy and fretting over began to emerge.

 

He paused, staring down at Grantaire, he could barely make out his smiling face in the semi-dark cocoon that had collapsed on top of them. There were a million things he wished he had the courage to say to him, but they all seemed to fall short on the tip of his tongue.

 

“Enjolras,” Grantaire said softly, his laughter subsiding. “I have to go.”

 

“Stay.” Enjolras found himself asking before he could stop himself. “Pretend you’re sick.”

 

Maybe _he_ was the one who was sick. His stomach did feel squirmish whenever Grantaire entered his thoughts, he felt light headed and hazy in his presence.

 

Grantaire gently pulled Enjolras to the side, turning over and pulling the blankets off of them. His hair was sticking up on the right side of his head and Enjolras couldn’t help the giggle that escaped his lips.

 

“If I miss another rent payment, Eponine will kill me. And that is not an expression. She’s got some scary connections.” Grantaire replied with a grin as he flattened his hair. “Besides, you can’t get out of studying that easy.”

 

“Right. Studying.” In all honestly, this morning Enjolras had forgotten there was a world outside of Grantaire’s arms.

 

“At least this was the last time you had to help me study.” Enjolras said on the subject, trying to ease his mind slowly back into the real world.

 

Grantaire was quiet at this, and continued to pack up his overly large bag in silence.

 

Standing with it clutched against his chest minutes later, an odd expression had crossed his face as he turned towards the doorway. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

 

Enjolras nodded solemnly, he placed his hand around Grantaire’s arm before leaning towards him to kiss his cheeks goodbye. He lingered on the last kiss, longer than what would be normal but not long enough for Grantaire to question it. Instead, he gave Enjolras a terse smile as he left.

 

Watching the door close behind Grantaire’s back made all of the confusing and terrifying thoughts come back to Enjolras two fold. His lips still tingling with the touch of his cheek, he allowed himself to pace around the apartment, before falling backwards onto his bed, hiding his face in his hands and trying desperately not to overanalyze every interaction they had had over the past 24 hours.

 

Before long, he couldn’t stand being alone with his own thoughts anymore. Getting up and pacing again, he let his mind begin to wander.

 

It wasn’t as though he had a problem with admitting to himself that he was wrong. It had less to do with pride and more to do with humility, and no matter how much he wanted to put it off there was no escaping the fact that he currently needed the help of a friend.

 

It was hard not to regret his decision however, when after knocking on his bedroom door, Combeferre emerged looking like a member of the undead. He had to remind himself that it was incredibly hard to test Combeferre’s patience, a fact that seemed entirely false when Enjolras was greeted with eyes that could barely stay open, and an unimpressed grumpy frown.

 

Combeferre worded his sentence very carefully and slowly, as though he was simultaneously plotting and stopping himself from committing Enjolras’ murder.

 

“This better be something life changing because I know you didn’t just wake me up in the morning on my day off for something trivial.”

 

“You were right.”  

 

Combeferre’s sleepy eyes finally widened enough to stay open. “Okay, that is a good reason.”

 

Enjolras found himself eternally grateful that Combeferre was not the sort of friend to gloat about being right. If it had been Bahorel, he would have done a victory dance around Enjolras. If it were Courfeyrac, he would have sung a bragging song at the top of his lungs. But Combeferre, instead of doing all the things he could have done, merely forced Enjolras to sit down on the couch whilst he made them both a strong cup of coffee.

 

“I’m not breaking my rule of meddling in your affairs but you should really tell him.” He told Enjolras as he began to spoon sugar into his cup.

 

“I _can’t_. Not yet, anyway. I just need to figure some things about before I go around-”

 

“-Being honest?” Ferre asked with an unbearably smug smile.

 

“Blurting out things that even I don’t understand.” Enjolras corrected him with an unimpressed tone.

 

Combeferre sighed as he brought the two mugs over and took a seat next to him, forgoing his usual seat in his armchair.

 

“You should talk to Courfeyrac.”

 

Enjolras straightened up in his seat. “Why? What does he know?”

 

Taking a long, drawn out sip of his coffee, Combeferre merely shrugged.

 

“I don’t want to tell anymore people about this.” Enjolras said with a sigh. “Not before I figure out what _this_ is.” He paused and rested his head on the back of the couch.

 

“I think you know what this is, Enjolras.” Combeferre said seriously, his eyes piercing into Enjolras over the rims of his glasses.

 

“Okay,” Enjolras said after taking a steady breath. It was time to stop lying to himself and denying his feelings. If Enjolras was going to confront things, he was going to face them full on, not with half measures. “I know what this is. I still don’t know what to do about it.”

 

Combeferre said nothing, he merely sipped his coffee slowly. As steam began to envelop the lower half of his spectacles and silence filled the corners of the room, Enjolras couldn’t help but continue.

 

“I could tell him, obviously,” He said thinking out loud. When Combeferre nodded, staying silent and contemplative he continued “But I don’t even know how I’d begin to express it to him. And then what? There are a million things he could say to me. What if he never wants to speak to me again- or _worse,_ what if he returns my feelings?”

 

“How would that be worse?” Combeferre asked, perplexed.

 

“Because-” Enjolras said, taking a breath and running his hands through his hair. It was hard to say outloud the real reason he couldn’t just be honest with Grantaire. “Because I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how, I don’t know what he expects from a relationship. I don’t even know what’s supposed to be normal.”

 

“Oh.” Combeferre replied, not unkindly. His brow was furrowed, and Enjolras knew that he was taking his time to carefully word his reply. He just wished that he could spend a little less time being considerate, as the longer Enjolras left his confession hanging in the air, the more anxious he felt.

 

“Okay.” Combeferre said finally, and Enjolras jerked his head up in instant attention. “I think it’s fine that somebody like you has never done this before.”

 

Enjolras made a face at that statement, and Combeferre gave him a kind smile. In the many years of friendship they’d developed a silent form of communication, where they could read what the other was saying without having to verbalise it. Combeferre was clearly saying ‘ _Just wait, I’m going somewhere with this_.’

 

“What I mean to say is, you have a lot of strengths that will make talking about your feelings to him easier for you. Your public speaking, your kindness, the fact that you find it hard to be dishonest. Not to mention Grantaire isn’t a stranger. You’ve gotten to know each other and the fact that you know him so well means you can carefully plan an open discussion with him to be something that equally makes you comfortable and him _woo’d_ \- for lack of a better word.”

 

Enjolras let out a small laugh, and felt an easement of restraint lift from his chest.

 

“I actually think that the confession itself is the least of your worries.” Combeferre continued. “No matter what Grantaire’s response is he obviously cares a lot about you.”

 

Enjolras thought about what Combeferre was saying and although it provided him with a small amount of comfort, he still had a million thoughts of doubt and doom and “what if” running through his head. It was impossible to navigate.

 

“As for what’s normal,” Combeferre strived on, not waiting for an opportunity for Enjolras to interject. “Simply put, there isn’t a normal.”

 

“What do you mean?” Enjolras asked frowning.

 

“Just like with individuals, every relationship will have a completely different set of goals, expectations and compromises to its neighbour. You have to do your best to be open and create a healthy dynamic. At the end of the day all that really matters is if you’re both happy and not hurting anybody. Which actually brings me to my next point-” Combeferre leaned forward, placing his coffee on the table in front of him and meeting Enjolras’ gaze. “You say you don’t know what he expects from you, you’re freaking out about the details that you think you can’t control, but in reality you can.”

 

“How?”

 

“All you have to do is ask him, Enjolras. If anything is going to work between you two, you have to learn to communicate.”

 

Enjolras was quiet for a long time. For the first time however, he wasn’t thinking about how everything could go wrong, he was beginning to think about how it could work. His vision was hazy, they were standing in a nondescript place and he was talking, Grantaire was listening, and somehow, even though his daydream version of Grantaire seemed to be taking the news quite well, he still felt a wave of fear strike through his fingertips.

 

“Okay.” Enjolras finally managed to say. “So, let’s say I follow your advice-”

 

“You would be a fool not too.”

 

Enjolras ignored him. “And I tell him, and we talk, and things are good. Then what?”

 

Combeferre was rendered speechless for a moment, he tilted his head at Enjolras. “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, things are going to change, aren’t they?”

 

“That’s usually what happens when people decide they want to be more than friends.”

 

“I’m not talking about that,” Enjolras said impatiently waving his hand. “I mean, with everything else. I’m not going to have as much time to do things for the ABC as I do now. I’m going to have to prioritise at times, and like you said compromise. I might not be able to make every gathering or every date. I’m not going to be able to devote as much time as I do now. What if you all decide to put somebody else in charge of meetings? I mean, obviously I would be fine with that granted they share our goals and morals, but it would still mean things will change.”

 

Combeferre let out a small disbelieving laugh. “Is that seriously what you’re worrying about right now?”

 

“I’m just being realistic.” Enjolras said exasperatedly.

 

Combeferre shook his head with a small smile. “You know, Enjolras sometimes I think your biggest problem is you’re always looking three steps ahead instead of taking things as they come.” He let out a sigh when he saw that Enjolras was still waiting for an answer. “Look, things might change, they might stay the same. You’re never going to know if you stay in one place.”

 

Enjolras thought about the wall that Grantaire mentioned, about the article he read a year ago about stagnation and their links to romantic relationships, about the mounting pile of expectations from his internship and about the final exam tomorrow, that was looming closer and closer.

 

“I think I just need some time to get my head around everything.” He admitted, feeling exhausted.

 

When he looked back over to Combeferre, he had picked up his coffee mug once more and appeared to be deep in thought.

 

“Did you know that Jehan has a tattoo inspired of the Bell Jar on their wrist?” Combeferre asked him suddenly.

 

Surprised, but all the same grateful for the change of subject, Enjolras shifted on the couch into a lying position. “I thought it was a small tree.” He mused, interlacing his fingers across his chest and closing his eyes. The light from the small window by the corner made a dancing square of light come to life in the darkness of his vision.

 

“It is. A fig tree to be precise. It represents a passage in the book. She describes a tree with figs, and each fig represents a different path in life she can choose. Careers, relationships, family, singledom, the unknown. It’s all there within her reach, waiting to be plucked and eaten. She’s undecided which one she wants, and she ends up taking so much time choosing, that eventually every fig is laying at her feet, wrinkled and rotten.”

 

Enjolras was liking this change of subject a lot less now that it was obviously relating to his situation.

 

“Why did Jehan choose to get that?” He asked, carefully.

 

“They said it reminds them to try and always live in the moment, and to not be afraid when new opportunities come along.”

 

“Hmm.” Enjolras said keeping his tone casual and feeling anything but.

 

* * *

 

 

He had drifted off into the unknown limbo, floating between consciousness and sleep. Not quite aware or awake and not quite hibernating, he was roughly startled by loud and concise knocking.

 

Enjolras snapped his head around towards the door and sat up in a hurry. His head swam in a flurry of stars and black spots, and he blinked a few times to get his vision straight again. It was only at the thought of unexpected company that he realised he was still in his old tee-shirt and pyjama pants from the night before, and Combeferre was already beginning to make his way towards the door.

 

“Ferre, don’t let them in-”

 

“Relax,” Combeferre replied as he reached the door, shooting Enjolras a teasing smile. “It’s not your boyfriend, it’s mine.”

 

Ignoring the taunt (and the feelings that came with it) Enjolras motioned for Combeferre to wait.

 

“Just don’t tell him yet, Ferre. Please? Not until I figure this out.”

 

Combeferre sighed, but nodded as he opened the door.

  
Not even a moment after the door had opened, Courfeyrac had jumped into Combeferre’s arms, smothering him with kisses. Their easy intimacy was awkward and enviable, and Enjolras took his phone out to give them an ounce of privacy.

 

“-and I finally found that book you lent me like a million years ago.” Courfeyrac was saying, minutes later as he had finally unwrapped himself from Combeferre enough to walk the three feet from the hallway into the room.

 

Combeferre quickly took the book out of Courfeyrac’s hands and headed into his bedroom, muttering about putting it in a safe place. Enjolras knew that meant completely out of reach from Courfeyrac again.

 

“Hey Enjolras!” Courfeyrac said happily, taking no time to claim Combeferre’s chair.

 

“How was work?” Enjolras asked trying to sound sincere, despite the rebellious wanderings of his mind.

 

“Long, awful, and boring. I hate the night shift.” Courfeyrac replied leaning back in the chair with a lazy wave of his hand, his gaze drifting absentmindedly out of the small window to their right. “Do you think when Ferre and I get married he’d let me be a stay at home dad with our three kids and a hundred puppies? I mean, he’s obviously going to become the most famous and renowned, wealthy, successful surgeon in the world, so it’s not like I would _need_ to work or anything. And I’ve always believed it was my destiny to be a beautiful trophy wife. You can’t deny I’d do well at medical galas.”

 

“Maybe you should save that question for when you’ve been dating for more than two days.” Enjolras replied dryly.

 

“You know, somehow I think even I knew that.” Courfeyrac said turning to Enjolras with a half smile.

 

With a frustrated sigh Enjolras pushed his head against the back of the couch and crossed his arms against his chest, glaring at the dull and bare ceiling above him. Somehow his world seemed bleaker since Grantaire had left. He felt foolish and pathetic. How long had it been? Two, three hours? And he was sitting here moping like a child.

 

“Enjolras, you can’t look so glum when I come bearing gifts!” Courfeyrac declared as he took a paper bag from out of his satchel, and placed it on the table in front of him.

 

“Just one of the many things I am going to buy you for the rest of your life to thank you for everything.” Courfeyrac explained keeping his voice low, as Enjolras opened the bag to see a fresh puits d'amour.

 

“Courf, we’re supposed to be discouraging him from meddling. Not rewarding his behaviour.” Combeferre scolded as he came back into the room.

 

“Oh so that’s why he looks so sad,” Courfeyrac teased, standing once more and placing a hand on his hip. “You’ve been lecturing our poor child!”

 

“I have not!” Combeferre said sounding offended. He seemed to be debating something as he looked to Courfeyrac, to Enjolras then back to his boyfriend again. “Enjolras is having boy troubles.”

 

“Combeferre!” Enjolras protested, mortified. It was barely heard however over Courfeyrac’s excited, high pitched squeal.

 

He grabbed Enjolras by the shoulders, sitting him up and spinning him violently towards him. “I have literally waited for this day for _years_ ! Are you kidding me Enjolras! _DISH_ . Right now! Tell me everything! Who is he? How many dates have you been on? Have you slept with him yet? Is he treating you right? Do I need to have a stern talk with him? _WHO IS IT_?!”

 

“I’m not telling you anything!” Enjolras said indignantly, “And it’s not like _that._ We’re not dating.”

 

“Yeah. Enjolras wishes.” Combeferre said, before sheepishly shutting his mouth when Enjolras shot him a murderous look. Courfeyrac let out another high pitched noise.

 

“Oh my God! So it’s a crush? Tell me who it is!” Courfeyrac pleaded. Enjolras merely continued to look unimpressed.

 

Courfeyrac decided to change up his tactic, continuing with a devilish smile and a tantalising tone.

 

“I know who everybody in our group and their friends of friends are crushing on. I can return the favour by telling you who likes you.”

 

He didn’t know what he was going to do but he knew for certain he wasn’t going to do this by playing childish games and third party hearsay.

 

“I’m not telling you.” He said defiantly.

 

Courfeyrac pouted and turned his head towards Combeferre, wordlessly asking him for help.

 

“It’s not just a crush, Courf,” Combeferre said, casually picking up Enjolras’ croissant and taking a bite. “They’re sleeping together as friends. He was here last night.”

 

“DO YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF DISEASE THAT WON’T LET YOU SHUT UP?”

 

“Enjolras!” Courfeyrac sang in a dramatic whine, curling the r in his name as he did every time he tried to get his way. “This. Is. _Killing_ . Me. You have to tell me! I will _literally_ die if you don’t.”

 

A low volumed tone was somehow able to break through Courfeyrac’s pleading. Enjolras had never been more relieved to hear his phone in his life.

 

Courfeyrac gasped and leaned over him to try to peek at the number on the screen,“Is that him?!”

 

Enjolras hurriedly pulled the phone close against his chest. “I’m taking this in my room.” He said pointedly, glaring at the both of them before quickly walking out and slamming his door behind him, blocking out an offended expletive that Courfeyrac was yelling. A dull thud against his door told him that Courfeyrac had thrown a pillow at it.

 

He took a deep breath, thankfully managing to answer the call before it rang out

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, Enjolras.” Feuilly’s voice replied, and Enjolras couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed; which was incredibly odd considering it was near impossible to relate disappointment to Feuilly in the slightest.

 

Had it been Grantaire’s voice, it would have surely filled his fingertips with warm honey in place of blood.

 

“So, I’ve been asking around and it seems that with the exception of Joly and Combeferre, most of us are finishing up exams this week,” Feuilly continued, not waiting for Enjolras to gather his thoughts. “I was thinking we should set an actual date for the end of our hiatus- you know, before everybody makes plans to get wasted at bars and cafes for the next few weeks.”

 

“That’s probably wise.” Enjolras replied with a knowing smile, as he shifted his weight from one foot to the next.  

 

The ABC had been unofficially stagnating since mid-semester, with meetups and events being sporadically planned and then cancelled last minute, it appeared the juggle of social life, sleep, school and activism was finally stretched to its limits this year. Much to Enjolras’ protest (and many other overworked students relief), Feuilly had proposed they officially call it a break and take a mini hiatus after a fourth attempt to schedule a bi-weekly meeting fell through.

 

It was strange he hadn’t made the connection before, but maybe a part of the reason Enjolras suddenly felt a disconnect in his passions was because he’d lost the familiarity and comfort of routine.

 

The idea of jumping straight back into things as though he’d never left was equal parts thrilling and nerve-wracking for him. What if he’d suddenly lost his natural knack to do this? If Grantaire was here, he’d probably say something long winded but oddly inspiring. The thought brought a smile to his face, and filled him with an uneasy confidence.

 

“Are you free today?” Feuilly asked him “I was hoping we could go over a few details before setting a date.”

 

“Give me five minutes to get ready and I’ll be out the door.” Enjolras replied, grateful for the distraction.

  
Feuilly let out a low chuckle. “Easy, there. I’m still working for the next hour. But you can meet me at the restaurant when I finish, they owe me a free meal for working a double last night and this morning.”

 

Enjolras had been so unfocused that he hadn’t noticed the loud clattering of dishes and buzz of chatter in the background. He said nothing regarding Feuilly’s ‘agreements’ with his employer. He could mention fair wages only so many times. The last time he had tried to bring it up, Feuilly had stated that it worked for him and the situation was more complicated than that, and it was hard to explain to Enjolras. Which Combeferre later explained was the polite way to ask him to drop the subject, and out of respect for Feuilly, Enjolras had.

 

“I better go, Franck is about to come back from his smoke break. See you in an hour.”

 

He had hung up before Enjolras could reply.

 

The hour passed slowly, he had hoped to pass it quickly with a long shower, but five minutes in had regretted his decision, as the warm water seemed to make his thoughts sound clearer and louder, which was the last thing that he wanted.

 

“I’m going out.” Enjolras finally said as he emerged from his bedroom. “I have to meet with Feuilly.”

 

Courfeyrac and Combeferre were curled up together on the couch. They’d been officially dating for less than a day and they already looked entirely content with themselves and each other. Courfeyrac sat up at Enjolras’ announcement.

 

“So it’s Feuilly, then!” Courfeyrac asked suddenly.

 

“What? No, of course it’s not.”

 

“Oh. Well, good, that would have been _really_ awkward for Bahorel if you two started dating.”

 

Enjolras decidedly ignored him as he made his way to the door.

  
Courfeyrac was still desperately calling out a list of their friends names, in some futile hope that Enjolras would hint at an answer. Enjolras was just thankful the door was shut behind him before Courfeyrac had reached Grantaire's name.

 

* * *

 

“But it shouldn’t be our focus-”

 

“No, I agree. We should touch on it the first meeting back and discuss it, but we can’t do much until it develops more. I mean, the head of the school hasn’t even released a statement yet.”

 

“Of course he hasn’t, his legal team is probably advising against it.”

 

He and Feuilly had been discussing ABC business for the past hour. Their free meals long forgotten and finished, Enjolras was nursing a cup of coffee in his hands.

 

“Well, I think that’s everything I wanted to cover on the agenda.” Feuilly said, leaning back in his chair and tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. “Now onto the date we should return... When do you finish?”

 

“My last exam is tomorrow.” Enjolras said. Tomorrow seemed both crashing down upon him and a thousand years away.

 

“Well, my only free day next week is Wednesday, which seems to suit the majority of others too. I think we should lock it down. Unless you think that Wednesday is too soon-”

 

“Wednesday is plenty of time to prepare.” Enjolras said quickly. “If anything it’s too far away.”

 

Feuilly’s low chuckle had a way of filling every person he knew with a sense of pride and joy, and Enjolras was no exception.

 

“I had a feeling you’d be anxious to get back.” He replied fondly, he began to pack up his notebook and battered old laptop. “I’ll spread the word and email you if anything changes.”

 

“Looking forward to it.” Enjolras said honestly.

 

“So, Courfeyrac and Combeferre?” Feuilly said with a smile. “I have to say, it’s about time.”

 

Enjolras laughed. “It wasn’t easy. They definitely needed a push.”

 

Feuilly raised his eyebrows. “Are you matchmaking now?”

 

“I think ‘ _meddling’_ is the word that Combeferre used.”

 

Feuilly laughed. “Well it all turned out in the end. Did you happen to have anything to do with Jehan and their new beau too?”

 

“Jehan has a new partner?” Enjolras asked, surprised.

 

“Yes. Brand new. It seems our group is growing increasingly more on the ‘couple’ side lately.” Feuilly absentmindedly began to place his and Enjolras’ cups and cutlery to the side of the table, his mind clearly still in server mode. “I heard even Eponine is dating again. Soon we’ll be the only single ones left.”

 

Enjolras laughed hollowly at that. He didn’t quite know how to respond, and soon enough their subject had turned to other casual topics until Feuilly had to go.

 

“I’ll see you Wednesday.”

 

Enjolras hesitated. But, before he could stop himself he was speaking again. “You know, you don’t have to stay in the single club.”

 

Feuilly gave him a sad smile.  “I don’t have time to date around, Enjolras.”

 

“I know. But you seem to have a lot of spare time to talk about demon infested lighthouses with Bahorel.” Enjolras said pointedly.

 

He watched as realisation and surprise passed over Feuilly’s face.

 

“He _really_ loves discussing those things with you.” He continued. “Think about it.” and before Feuilly could reply, Enjolras had turned on his heel and began walking home.

 

So Combeferre called it meddling. He called it helping his friends. They deserved to be happy, and if that meant he would have to take a few stern lectures from Combeferre to help them achieve that happiness, then so be it.

 

As Enjolras walked, the spring air bustled him slightly. The fresh air felt like a new day against his skin, a new chance, a new opportunity.

  
He thought of the affection that Combeferre and Courfeyrac shared, of the fig tree on Jehan’s wrist, but mostly- he thought about Grantaire.

 

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he pulled up his message history with Grantaire and typed.

 

**Me:**

 

Hey, Can we talk?

 

Standing on the corner of the street and looking out towards the horizon, he took a long, deep breath inwards, and pressed send.

 

Wherever his path was leading him, whatever was in the future, he decided with vigor that he did not want to waste away in a pile of rotten fruit.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are. I hoped you liked. A couple of cliff notes.
> 
> -I first heard the Sylvia Plath poem in Master of None. If you're in your 20's and feeling totally lost please for the love of God watch this show.  
> -Chapter title is from a song called "Drive" by Gretta Rae. I wholeheartedly endorse this beautiful song. Half of this fic would not be here without it.  
> -I've done some major changes with the upcoming timeline of this story. Because of this, there will be fewer chapters than originally intended. But hopefully more substance.  
> -If you want to know how my 23rd went. I played a bunch of games, got drunk in a park in the middle of the night with my friends, cried several times, and fell off a giant turtle (made of plastic, no animals were hurt in my shenanigans), woke up as 23 - and it wasn't as bad as I was fearing it to be.  
> -Lastly, I promise you won't be waiting 4 months for the next update. Peace. <3


	6. Break Me, If You'll Still Take me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire turned his body slightly towards Enjolras, but his eyes still refused to meet him.
> 
> “C’mon Enjolras. I’m not an idiot. I know what this was to you.”
> 
> Do you? Enjolras wanted to ask, but he found his words caught in his throat when Grantaire finally looked up to him and continued.
> 
> “You only started this whole thing because you were stressed over your exams. Now you’re finished with them and clearly have no reason to continue with this thing. You’re done with them and done with me so just get it over with and tell me. It’s fine. You don’t have to make a thing of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thank you all so much for sticking with this fic. We don't have long to go now, I'm a bit nervous by how soon it will all be over!! Thank you immensely to the wonderful Sara whose Beta comments always make my day.
> 
> There's ones a big chapter- in length and in things that happen. I hope you enjoy.

Enjolras definitely wasn’t stalling by not looking at his phone. He was just very deliberately taking the long way home- the scenic route. Something he unfortunately did not usually have time for. His trepid nervousness was laced with elation. Somehow knowing that he was about to lay it all out to Grantaire was as freeing as it was terrifying. And as much as he had no idea exactly what he was going to say, he knew he had made the right choice in deciding to confess.  In fact, Enjolras had begun to relish the very idea of it. 

 

Soft ideas had begun to pollute his mind and brighten his perspective. He had always been one to imagine a more optimistic view of the future, but now it seemed like a beautiful fantasy. He smiled at each person he passed on the street, he noticed the birds that took to the clear blue sky and the elegant colours of the buildings he passed. Rose coloured was just the beginning of an array of allurement and opportunity. 

 

Letting himself into his apartment, Enjolras felt another wave of happiness upon seeing his friends curled up together and watching TV. If he wasn’t feeling optimistic enough already, seeing Courfeyrac and Combeferre make it look  _ so _ easy had brought the feeling home and cemented it as real. For the first time in a long time, everything seemed to be within his grasp. 

 

As the hours slipped by, and the sun began to set, afternoon quickly turned to night and Enjolras’ elation had turned cold. His phone remained untouched in his pocket, as it had not yet graced him with a response.

 

* * *

 

It was a new morning, and Enjolras was beginning to doubt himself. He had hoped after going to sleep that he would at least wake up to some kind of response from Grantaire. But upon opening his eyes, his notifications were disappointingly empty. Apart from a calendar reminder about his last exam, he had nothing. He even futilely turned his phone off and on again in the hopes that it had somehow just malfunctioned during the night. But after five minutes of staring at his newly reset home screen, it was clear that nothing new was going to come.

 

Enjolras couldn’t help the small stab of worry that poked at the back of his mind. Had he done something wrong? Had he somehow said something that had completely put Grantaire off? 

 

As he washed his face and began to get dressed, he couldn’t help but question and overanalyze every interaction they had had within the last few days.

 

Perhaps he had looked at him too softly, spoken to him too lovingly, given himself away and scared him off. Maybe Grantaire had figured out what he was going to say and was trying to figure out a way to let him down easy.

 

The idea made his chest hurt and as he brushed his teeth he forced himself to focus on something,  _ anything  _ else. 

 

“Good morning and good luck.” Combeferre said kindly to him as he exited the bathroom. He was leaning with his arms folded against the kitchen bench, although already in his scrubs, his hair was still flat from sleep. Or lack thereof. 

 

Enjolras forced a smile back at him, but couldn’t bring himself to reply. Fearing a flood of self consciousness and uneasy words would burst out of him if he spoke, he merely poured his coffee into his travel mug and made his way out of the apartment. Feeling as though every step he took towards his university was a death march. His mind had been so busy worrying over Grantaire, that it had forgotten to worry about his exam. Now, as the time before it was closing in, his anxieties over the test were catching up to him.

 

When his phone buzzed against his leg he almost jumped. Fumbling for it in his jeans pocket, he pulled it out excitedly, only to feel slightly disappointed to see the Feuilly’s contact name appear.

 

**_Feuilly:_ **

 

Good luck today. My laptop just died for good. :(   
If I can get out early I’ll drop off a copy   
of the agenda I drew up. Can’t wait to get back   
into things :)

7.49am

 

Sending off a brief reply, he felt all the more defeated and nervous as he put his phone back. He’d spent none of the full day off he’d had yesterday studying, and as he took his seat within the room, amongst the buzz and bustle of his peers, he felt incredibly ill-prepared. 

 

_ It’s okay. Take a deep breath in. Deep breath out. You know this. _

 

Clearing his mind helped some. He may have wasted most of his day yesterday, but the day before he’d dedicated to study. Study with Grantaire. With Grantaire making him feel so at home and relaxed and-  _ focus _ .

 

It had to count for something… Right?

 

* * *

 

As Enjolras exited the exam room, his mind was nothing but a hornet's nest of worries and anxieties. The test, his feelings, Grantaire’s silence, his future, his potential. Every good thought seemed unattainable, and it was driving him mad. He couldn’t control his exam results, whatever was done was done, and he wouldn’t find them out for quite a while. 

 

There was one thing that was in his power to find out though, one issue that he could confront head on, and maybe facing it and getting the closure he needed would give him enough peace of mind to wait out the others.

 

Enjolras turned himself around in the middle of the street. His feet no longer taking him towards his own apartment, but to Grantaire’s instead. 

 

The entire way there he tried to think of the best way to word his feelings, but each time he said it inside of his own head it didn’t sound sincere enough. It was either too diplomatic, too cheesy or too scripted. Finally, stopping outside of the building and pressing the apartments buzzer, he decided he would just need to say it in the moment, and hoped above all hopes that his words wouldn’t fail him.

 

“Yeah?” Came Eponine’s voice through the crackling intercom.

 

“It’s Enjolras.” He said, hating how uncertain the words sounded.

 

There was a long pause as the intercom clicked off, closely followed by a long buzz. Opening the door and climbing the steps with nervous trepidation, Enjolras was really at a loss of what to say. Should he acknowledge his ignored message or act as though it hadn’t occurred.

 

The door to their apartment was open when he reached their level, and Enjolras made his way inside precariously.

 

Eponine was standing with her back against the kitchen counter, a chipped mug cradled in her hands. Her usually guarded face now seemed uncertain to Enjolras, as he looked at her slightly expectantly.

 

“Bedroom.” Eponine said, answering his unspoken question, and as Enjolras began to make his way towards Grantaire’s room, she spoke again. “Enjolras?”

 

He turned towards her. “Yeah?”

 

“Just…” She paused, her face seemingly contemplating telling him something, after a short breath in, her face had turned back into its usual guarded stance. “Good luck.”

 

Enjolras wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. Did she know? Was it encouragement or a small way to try and let him down easily? Whatever he was walking into, he decided to embrace it with determination. He nodded thankfully at her and continued on his way. 

 

Entering the bedroom, Enjolras could immediately tell that something about the atmosphere was not quite right. All the strange and wonderful little things that made it feel like Grantaire’s space seemed to be lost in a shroud of darkness and mess. The curtains were drawn around the window, and scattered across the floor were various paintbrushes, clothes and miscellaneous items. Grantaire himself was standing behind a large canvas mounted on an easel. Half hidden by it’s shadow. Enjolras had to stop himself from wincing when Grantaire peaked out from behind it. He looked as though he hadn’t slept since the last time he’d seen him, his hair was a mess and his clothes looked stale and worn. 

 

“Oh,” Grantaire was clearly taken aback seeing Enjolras walk into his bedroom. “How did you-? I thought you were ‘Ponine.”

 

“She buzzed me in.” Enjolras answered, kicking a small hollowed out tube of paint to the side as he took a step closer. “You’re painting?”

 

“Yeah, just something dumb.” Grantaire muttered with a flat and emotionless voice,looking down and turning away from Enjolras to dump his paintbrush in a mug on his dresser. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you. I sent you a message.”

 

“Okay,” Grantaire said with a sigh. “Let’s just get this over with.”

 

“Get  _ what  _ over with?” Enjolras asked defensively. 

 

Grantaire turned his body slightly towards Enjolras, but his eyes still refused to meet him.

 

“C’mon Enjolras. I’m not  an idiot. I know what this was to you.”

 

_ Do you _ ? Enjolras wanted to ask, but he found his words caught in his throat when Grantaire finally looked up to him and continued.

 

“You only started this whole thing because you were stressed over your exams. Now you’re finished with them and clearly have no reason to continue with this  _ thing _ . You’re done with them and done with me so just get it over with and tell me. It’s fine. You don’t have to make a thing of it.”

 

Enjolras felt a cold and sharp ball of hurt and anger drop into the pit of his stomach and churn against him in a wild fury. His earlier feeling of hopefulness collapsing into an anxious uneasiness. Faster than he could catch it, Enjolras felt expectations he’d felt so sure of moments ago burn up and melt, trickling out from within his grasp. 

 

“Is that really what you think I came here to do?” His voice was low, and shaking.

 

Grantaire dropped his gaze again, his face a mix of guardedness and regret.

 

“Well. It’s true, isn’t it?”

 

“No.” Enjolras said steadily. “You would have known that if you had let me speak.”

 

“So what are you doing here?”

 

Enjolras was beginning to ask himself the same thing. He didn’t need this. It seemed crazy now that he had thought any of this could work. He didn’t want this to hurt, and it would soon- but right now he couldn’t think of that. He wouldn’t, not whilst standing in front of him and bearing his soul. Grantaire didn’t have a right to that. 

 

“Clearly wasting my time.” Enjolras said with venom in his throat, and with that he turned to leave. 

 

It took every ounce of self preservation that he had left not to say more, or yell, or scream, or stop when Grantaire called his name. His cloud of anger blinding him as he made his way out of his apartment, down the stairs, and out into the street. He felt sick. He felt awful.  _ God _ ... he felt absolutely stupid for ever believing that Grantaire could ever have feelings for him.  

 

His stomach clenched at the thought and his mind was racing. He hated that he felt so fragile. He hated that he had insisted on coming over when he was clearly not wanted. He hated everything about this situation that had just transpired. 

 

The beating in his heart felt loud against his chest as his feet carried him home. His head was pounding, his palms were clammy, and he was taking great care not to let the tears that were threatening to fall in the middle of the street. His determination was the only thing that led him to his apartment.

 

Slamming and locking his front door behind him, he collapsed against the back of the cold wood. Every frustration and fear he’d been holding inside of him had come to pass, and as the hot tears trailed quickly down his cheeks, he couldn’t help but feel utterly foolish. The silence in his apartment only exacerbated the loudness of his thoughts as he detested that he was now completely alone.

 

It took a few minutes of calming down and breathing deeply before he had gained the strength to pull out his phone and make a call.

 

“Are you busy?” Enjolras asked when it was answered, steadying his voice as much as possible.

 

“For you,  Mon chéri?” Courfeyrac replied chirpily. “Never.”

 

“I screwed up… I think. I don’t know. I’m just- I need company and I don’t know what happened exactly but it’s not good. Everything just seems so-”

 

“Okay, slow down.” Courfeyrac said sternly. “Take a deep breath, and then another, and then one more. Have a glass of water, and make yourself a coffee. By the time it’s cool I’ll be there.”

 

“Thank you.” Enjolras said with a relieved sigh. 

 

True to his word, Courfeyrac arrived just as Enjolras had finished pouring the boiling water into two mugs. His nerves were completely shot, and when he opened the door and Courfeyrac embraced him with a deep hug, he gratefully fell into it. 

 

It wasn’t long before he was mindlessly spouting out every dumb insecurity he’d thought or had when this mess had started to Courfeyrac. Enjolras talked for hours. Everything from his feelings to his denial to the sudden fight, was laid bare, the only thing he redacted was Grantaire’s name itself. Strangely, not saying his name was helping. He was able to open up without holding back or fearing judgement. Not that Courfeyrac would ever judge himself in lessons of love, but it certainly helped him speak without boundaries.

 

As with any drama or grievance, Courfeyrac was the best friend to have to lend a kind ear. He gasped at all the right moments and was fiercely on Enjolras’ side throughout the entire story.

 

“I mean, I’ve just been feeling so stressed and awful and this was the one good thing that I kept coming back to. I just can’t believe he thought I was using him like that. It makes me question the whole thing. Am I overreacting?”

 

“Oh honey no, not at all.” Courfeyrac assured him. “That was an awful thing to imply, especially considering what you were actually going to say. I still don’t know who this is, but if they don’t realise that you’re a wonderful, perfect unicorn of a person then he doesn’t deserve you.”

 

“Thank you.” Enjolras replied. He felt exhausted and mad and still so confused. 

 

“I can give you the ‘men are rats’ speech from Grease if you like. It always makes me feel better. Or better yet, we can watch Grease together and throw popcorn at Danny Zuko’s head whenever he’s being a douchebag. Which is pretty much the majority of the film.”

 

“I don’t really feel like watching anything.” Enjolras said flatly. He did not want to say it aloud but he particularly didn’t want to watch anything with romance or happy endings.

 

“Okay, well do you want to go somewhere? Do something? We can go people watching and make up stories for strangers, that always makes you happy.”

 

“I don’t know, maybe.” He lay back against the headrest on his bed. Every decision and movement feeling too strenuous. 

 

Just as he was about to continue with his doubts, the familiar buzz of his intercom rang out. 

 

“It’s probably Feuilly.” Enjolras said with a sigh, “He mentioned he’d be dropping something off.” 

 

“Did you want me to get it?”

 

“Please.” Enjolras replied. As much as a comfort as Feuilly’s presence was, he really did not want to invite anymore people into witness his crisis. 

 

As Courfeyrac left to grab the door, Enjolras rubbed his face tiredly. He wanted many things, but most importantly, he wanted to stop feeling uncertain. His thoughts were interrupted by a  shock wave running through him, as he overheard a familiar voice asking for him over the intercom. He shot up in an instant, walking hurriedly out of his bedroom and towards the front door.

 

“Oh hey,” Courfeyrac was replying, his finger on the speaking button. “Now’s not the best time, maybe you guys can catch up at the meeting on Wednesday.”

 

He knew whose voice would be replying through the intercom even before it came through. But hearing Grantaire’s voice come through once more still hit him an uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. 

 

“It’s okay Courf,” Enjolras said in a tired voice. “Let him up.”

 

Courfeyrac looked at him with confusion, before a sudden realisation dawned on his face. Enjolras walked back towards his room before he had a chance to say anything else. He supposed it didn’t matter who knew anymore.

 

“So, I’ve buzzed him up,” Courfeyrac said, hovering by the bedroom door uncertainly. “And when he get’s here I’m going to go. Are you going to be okay?”

 

“I guess we’ll see.” Enjolras said, careful not to look back at him.

 

“Well, text me if you need me to come back.” Courfeyrac said, he seemed to be debating saying something else as he paused in the doorway. “I really wish you’d told me earlier it was him.”

 

It was now Enjolras’ turn to look at him confused. He continually felt as though he was being kept out of a well known loop when it came to Grantaire, that something about him was common knowledge to everybody but himself. Before he could question him further, Courfeyrac had disappeared as he heard the unmistakeable sound of the front door opening.

 

Barely having time to emotionally prepare himself, Enjolras sat down on the side of his bed. It was all he could do to prevent himself from being completely blindsided by Grantaire’s presence. He could feel him standing in the doorway before he even made a noise, and looking up to him with sad eyes, he was reluctantly glad to see that it appeared as though Grantaire had at least showered and changed, despite the fact that he still looked thoroughly exhausted. 

 

“What do you want?” Enjolras asked him, not unkindly. He was tired, and hurt, but he couldn’t bring himself to be deliberately spiteful. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Grantaire voice burst out in a moment, as he stumbled slightly forwards. “I panicked when you said you wanted to talk.”

 

Enjolras stared at him, caught off guard by the apology, which was the last thing he had expected from Grantaire. 

 

“I’m not excusing it,” Grantaire added quickly. “And I should have acknowledged your message and we could have avoided all of this. But… My brain kind of just, shut down. It started with just stupid paranoid stuff and over-thinking but by the time you came over I had convinced myself that you were done, and I projected all of that onto you. I was completely wrong and handled it like a total dick and I’m sorry.”

 

After long minute of uncertain silence Grantaire continued with a sigh. 

 

“Look, if you want me to go, I understand.”

 

“I just- give me a second.” Enjolras said slowly. He was still processing all of his words. 

 

Perhaps the thing he’d always felt so out of the loop about was as simple as Grantaire himself. Courfeyrac might have predicted such a reaction, Eponine seemed to know what would happen before he’d even walked into the room. It wasn’t completely out of the realm of possibility that he’d unintentionally prompted an irrational response purely with the way he’d chosen to confront the issue. Thinking on it more empathetically, he could see how his message could be interpreted as ominous.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you admit that you were wrong.” Enjolras said finally.

 

At this, Grantaire emitted a small and grateful laugh.

 

“I can put it in writing if you want to get it framed.”

 

“I’m tempted to take you up on that.” Enjolras replied with a slightly strained smile.

 

He lifted his eyes back towards Grantaire’s. He felt a part of the tension shift slightly, and a large weight he had been unknowingly carrying lift with it.

 

“For the record, I didn’t want this to end.” Enjolras continued. 

 

“Okay. Good. I didn’t either. At all. I still don’t.” Grantaire said rubbing the back of his neck. “I just- I reacted so badly to your message. What we have is good, in my opinion anyway, and it’s honestly been one of the best weeks of my life. I guess I just assumed like most good things it had an expiry date. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy thinking like that… No wonder I fucked it up.”

 

Enjolras was still feeling too vulnerable and doubting himself too much to confess to Grantaire exactly how  _ he _ felt. But the fact that Grantaire felt so strongly about them meant for a victorious return of his hopefulness, and the butterflies in his stomach had awakened from their hibernation once more. 

 

“Almost.” Enjolras replied, with a small smile. 

 

“Can I make it up to you?” Grantaire asked him, slightly abashedly.

 

“You don’t have to do that, we’re okay.” Enjolras said, meaning it, too. He’d always been bad at holding people in ill contempt.

 

“I know, but I want to.” Grantaire said, the sideways smile that Enjolras loved so much making its return. “I know a really great cafe if you’re hungry. I can buy you dinner?”

 

Enjolras was torn. Part of him still wanted to be alone and reflect, give himself time and space to sort through his feelings. But another part of him- the part that was screaming louder and had so easily forgiven- wanted Grantaire’s company. 

 

Ultimately, it was his stomach that won out, as he had spent so much time worrying today that he had barely eaten.

 

“Okay.” He said, and the smile that Grantaire graced him with was almost worth the mental turmoil he’d been through.

 

* * *

 

“This place is beautiful.” Enjolras said once they arrived. There were small plants planted in the middle of the restaurant, woven into the very architecture of the building.

  
Grantaire badly suppressed a smug smile. “I thought you’d like it here. At night the tree’s light up.”

 

Everything about this place seemed to appeal to some part of Enjolras, from the decor to the menu to the small quotes from various novels and poets which were painted on the tables. It was incredible to Enjolras that Grantaire had pinned him down so accurately. 

 

“ _ When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.”  _ He read off the empty table next to them. “I know that quote.”

 

Grantaire tilted himself sideways to look at the tables opposite end. “Ursula K. Le Guin.” He read with some difficulty.

 

“Ah.” Enjolras said, a smile of familiarity and fond memories crossing his face, as Grantaire straightened back up. “The sci-fi author.”

 

“I never pegged you as a sci-fi fan.” Grantaire said with curious entertainment. “Although a romantically hopeful view of the future? Makes sense why you’d like that.”

 

Enjolras shook his head. “Le Guin’s works aren’t like that. I mean sure, there’s always an element of hope. That’s what makes it so appealing. But she writes humanity so well, our flaws, our prejudices, our social constructs. It’s all there- even in the future, and she brings her characters into worlds where they’re forced to challenge that perspective.”

 

“So she’s basically the poli-sci of novels.” Grantaire asked with a brash grin.

 

“If you’d like to simplify it that much then, yes. She was so ahead of her time, especially in terms of gender and environmentalism. Jehan was the one who introduced me to her work.”

 

“I am shocked.” Grantaire replied sarcastically. “When was this?”

 

“I think around the time Ferre and Feuilly were trying to get a book club going. It was a great idea but nobody had time. At least that never changes.”

 

“Book club?” Grantaire asked confused.

 

“Yeah, you remember?” Enjolras said, only to be met with Grantaire’s confused expression. “Feuilly was upset over the fact that he lost his library card and had to wait 2 weeks before borrowing anything, so Combeferre proposed a book club.” 

 

Despite the prompting, Grantaire still looked as though Enjolras was speaking another language. Enjolras continued. 

 

“It all fell apart when we started to compare schedules? It would have been about two years ago now.”

 

A strange look seemed to pass over Grantaire’s face at these words. He shuffled slightly in his seat and ran his hand over his chin. “I uh… I don’t actually remember much from two years ago.” He said hesitantly. 

 

“Oh.” Right. 

 

The bad year. How could he have forgotten? 

 

The strangely toxic back and forth snipes at each other. The frustration. The impatience. Feeling idolised and let down and made a joke all at once. It was hard. They weren’t friends, certainly not in any way that was healthy or good. Grantaire purposely antagonised him, and Enjolras put up with him. It certainly didn’t feel good thinking about it but it was the truth.

 

And now… 

 

Now it was as though they were completely different people. He himself used to be so sure and convinced of every decision that he made. Never questioning himself or his motives. As much of a confidence as it had risen in him, it was a tough lesson to learn, and he’d burned many bridges learning it. The internship he’d lost because he wouldn’t back down from arguing with his lecturer over… He couldn’t even remember what it was about now. He hadn’t been able to get it back until this year, and it had taken so much time and effort to re-climb that ladder, he wondered briefly if that was part of the reason he felt so burnt out. 

 

Enjolras knew how it felt to not to want to be reminded of those times.

 

“I’m sorry.” He said quickly.

 

“Yeah,” Grantaire replied with a sigh. “So am I. I missed out on so much, even though I was there for all of it. It’s a pretty shitty feeling when you know part of your life is just gone like that.”

 

He was silent for a moment, before he continued. 

 

“I thought about going away somewhere for ages. Sorting my shit out, not bothering people with my issues. But I couldn’t. I’d always get pulled back by just the idea of all of you. People who loved me... It was ridiculous, I hadn’t even gone anywhere and I was already _ missing  _ you guys. I needed friendship more than I needed food or water. I think a part of me knew that if I went away, that would be the end. I would never be back. The only reason I didn’t do  _ that _ was because I couldn’t bear to be that final disappointment. It wasn’t great, it sucked being that dependant on other people just to wake up in the mornings. Sometimes I felt even worse about myself because it was like I was a parasite or a burden, living off everyone else’s energy instead of making my own. But in the end it was an anchor for me, and it helped. 

 

"I know I owe all of you for putting up with me during that time. It was definitely my ugliest. It’s shitty I know, but a part of me was doing it knowingly. On purpose. Like I wanted to push you all away just so I could prove to myself I wasn’t worth the effort, and I could finally leave this world forever without feeling guilty about leaving anybody behind. But you all stuck around. All of you. And I don’t think I’m ever going to be that person again, you know? I don’t like the person I was back then. It’s embarrassing. But for some reason, you guys did, and you’re the best people I’ve ever known. So I eventually thought, you know if they can see something in me, then there’s probably something there. And I should stop wasting their time and start making them proud.”

 

There was an indescribable amount of emotions washing over Enjolras. It felt like he’d just had a soul bared open, right in front of him, and it was overwhelming. Unable to find sufficient words of comfort, Enjolras reached his hand over the table to where Grantaire’s were resting, and in one delicate movement intertwined their fingers.

 

They stayed there, in silent understanding and comfort for a while, and Enjolras pretended to look away and be intrigued by a quote on a nearby table as Grantaire took a moment to wipe his eyes with the hem of his sleeve.

“You’re a work in progress,” Enjolras said finally. “But that’s how masterpieces start.”

 

Grantaire gave a small and slightly hiccuped laugh. “What table is that from?”

 

“It’s not from a table.” Enjolras replied, looking at him sincerely. Grantaire stared back surprised but touched. 

 

“I would argue that I’m a piece of work.” Grantaire said with a grin. “But you’d probably turn that into something cheesy and inspirational too.”

 

“Don’t tempt me.” Enjolras replied, opening up his menu.

 

From there, their topics turned lighter and happier and upon leaving the cafe,  their night was far from over. Somehow they ended up spontaneously exploring the city, although their spontaneity may have been helped by the fact that neither one of them seemed to want to leave the others company. Grantaire seemed to have a perfect place for everything. They walked through La Promenade Plantée, tasted cheese at a small market Enjolras had never even heard of before, and when they had grown tired of walking and parched they somehow ended up back in another cafe. It was a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant that Grantaire knew of, with mismatched chairs and beautiful paintings for sale on the wall from various local artists.

 

Looking around the walls and cupping his warm mug of hot chocolate, Enjolras couldn’t help but release a sigh of happiness. 

 

“I love Paris.” Enjolras said contentedly.

 

“You don’t say?” Grantaire said, smiling amusedly at him and resting his chin in his palm. “I never would have guessed.”

 

Enjolras playfully rolled his eyes at him.

 

“Okay let me rephrase, I love  _ your _ Paris.”

 

“My Paris?” Grantaire asked, surprised. “We live in the same city.”

 

“I know that,” Enjolras said leaning forwards and placing his mug down. “But you know so many secret places it seems like I’m seeing it all for the first time. It’s nice to see the city through someone else’s eyes.”

 

Grantaire said nothing in reply, he merely cocked his head slightly and smiled at Enjolras, looking at him as though he’d just said something incredibly profound. Enjolras picked up his menu in a vain attempt to hide the blush he could feel forming on his cheeks. Briefly scanning it, he noticed something that made his grin even wider.

 

“Hey,” he said placing the menu on the table between them and swiveling it towards Grantaire. “They have an English one called  _ Grander than Life _ .”

 

The look of pure joy that passed over Grantaire’s eyes was well worth the puns that would soon follow.

 

“We have to try it. It’s a sign!”

 

“It’s not a sign, it’s barely a coincidence.” Enjolras laughed. 

 

“It’s my namesake! It’s practically fate!” Before Enjolras could try to calm him down Grantaire had called over the waiter and ordered them a bottle.

 

“You didn’t even look at what type of wine it is!” Enjolras said with a laugh. “What if it’s disgusting?”

 

“Well if it takes after me it probably is,” Grantaire replied happily, and Enjolras gave him a disagreeing frown. “Anyway I’m calling it now- this will be my new favourite!”

 

Once the wine had been poured and Grantaire had pretended to inspect it as though he was a connoisseur, Enjolras watched him finally take a sip.

 

“Oh no.” Grantaire said, scrunching up his face.

 

“What?” Enjolras asked, worried.

 

“It’s so sweet!”

 

“You don’t like sweet wine?”

 

“No, I do. But it’s too easy to drink, it will be gone in two minutes.” Grantaire pushed the wine glass towards him. “Here, taste it.” 

  
Enjolras wasn’t a huge wine drinker, but Grantaire gave him an encouraging grin, so he took a timid sip. Surprisingly, he liked it. Although as he had been warned, it was incredibly sweet. Like a blend of strawberries and candied cherries. 

 

“I like your namesake.” Enjolras said, pushing the glass back towards a beaming Grantaire and pouring himself one.

 

As Grantaire had predicted, they had finished the bottle dangerously quickly, and had been reduced to a giggling and stumbling mess by the time they reached Grantaire’s apartment. It took three attempts before Grantaire successfully entered the right code to the entryway.

  
Enjolras felt a hand creep up his shirt and he emitted a slight yelp.

 

“Your hands are cold!” Enjolras said through a giggle as Grantaire leaned him up against the hallway wall. 

 

Grantaire didn’t reply. His mouth was too busy sucking a bruise onto Enjolras’ collarbone. Enjolras bit his lip to suppress a moan that was building. Closing his eyes, and letting his mind become light and free to focus on nothing but the way that Grantaire was making him feel. 

 

He felt Grantaire’s mouth move away from his skin and he opened his eyes to meet his, only to find that Grantaire was looking sheepishly towards the stairs beside them.

 

“ Bonjour Mrs. Clement.” Grantaire said after clearing his throat, as his neighbour passed them. The elderly lady shot them both a disapproving glare.

 

“We should probably move out of your hallway.” Enjolras whispered, pulling Grantaire’s ear close to him and pausing just for a moment to nibble at it. “Your neighbours will judge you.”

 

“I’ll just move apartments.” Grantaire said as he buried his lips against Enjolras’ neck. Enjolras, with great anguish, pulled him away. Grantaire made a small noise of grief, but he was quickly silenced as Enjolras took his hand and led him up the stairs. 

 

Grantaire was taking his time to open the door, it was hard to keep his focus on where the key was going when his other hand kept trailing up Enjolras’ shirt. Enjolras too was distracted, each time he found his lips marking an inch of Grantaire’s skin, his giddiness and instincts told him to move up to his lips. It was taking all of his focus not to give in to it.

 

The chances of getting the door unlocked were getting slimmer and slimmer, as Grantaire’s back was now pressed heavily against the door, his key fallen to the ground, and he seemed to be in no rush to pick it up. As Enjolras pushed himself closer to Grantaire, he barely heard the small click on the other side of the door. 

  
Before either of them could connect the noise to the action, gravity gave way beneath them and they tumbled into each other against the floor. Still slightly entangled with Grantaire’s limbs, Enjolras turned his head upwards to see an unimpressed and very annoyed Eponine looking down on them. 

 

“So,” Eponine said coolly. “You’re the reason we keep getting noise complaints.”

 

“Oh, hi Ep-” Grantaire said clearing his throat and sitting up, gently pushing Enjolras off of his lap. “I was just-”

 

“I know what you were doing.” Eponine said with a sigh. “Just keep it down while I’m gone. I don’t want to get evicted  _ again _ .”

 

She crossed the doorway and leant down, picking up Grantaire’s key and tossing it towards him. Without another word she closed the door behind her. 

 

“We seem to be annoying everyone in your building.” Enjolras said, rubbing his face and feeling embarrassed. 

 

“Don’t worry about it. Mrs.Clement gets annoyed at puppies, for Christ’s sake and the only other neighbour on my floor is deaf.” Grantaire said extending his hand and helping Enjolras up. “And ‘Ponine’s not annoyed at us, she’s just been having a difficult week.” 

 

He shot Enjolras a small grin when he saw his look of concern. “She hates admitting that she likes dating.”

 

Enjolras’ response was lost when he looked up at Grantaire. As rude as it was, he didn’t want to talk about Eponine, he didn’t want to talk at all. It seemed that Grantaire had the same train of thought, for not long after they had found their way into his bedroom.  Enjolras let himself fall back upon the bed. His head was swimming. But not from the wine. Here, in Grantaire’s room, with his warm body leaning on top of him and the alluring glimmers of light in his eyes, looking softly into his, it just felt right.

 

Enjolras grabbed the scruff of Grantaire’s collar, pulling him down and closing his eyes, he crushed Grantaire’s lips against his. For a wonderful moment, there was nothing else. Just Grantaire and a phenomenal amount of endorphins rushing through his mind. It was fire, and warmth, and hunger. The world fell away around him. Grantaire’s body above him had tensed, and Enjolras, worried he had crossed a line Grantaire had not wished to tread on, pulled away. 

 

“Sorry,” He said quickly. Grantaire was staring down at him, his eyes wide and his breath short. “I broke a rule, I-”

 

“Don’t.” Grantaire whispered hoarsely, and Enjolras shut his mouth. Before he could begin to collect his thoughts, Grantaire slowly and carefully moved a small curl that had fallen in front of Enjolras’ eyes away, and leaned in towards him once more. 

 

Sliding his lips artfully between Enjolras’, Grantaire began to kiss him hard and fast, and Enjolras cursed himself for denying himself such a divine pleasure. He had only kissed him twice, and yet he was addicted. It was sensational to have him this close, to feel his tongue timidly pry his lips open and explore his mouth.

 

The kiss was not short, yet Enjolras still found himself disappointed in the departure of Grantaire’s lips against his when he eventually pulled away. Staring up into eyes, Enjolras was completely gone, especially with the proud smirk that Grantaire was wearing staring back at him.

 

“Now we’re even.” Grantaire said triumphantly.

 

“That is  _ not  _ even.” Enjolras replied, taking his waist in his hand and flipping Grantaire onto his back with force.

 

With one hand trailing up his shirt, and the other making it’s way down to Grantaire’s zipper, Enjolras decided he no longer cared for discretion. He kissed a rough trail of kisses from Grantaire’s neck up to his lips, revelling in the fact that he could end there now.

 

Sliding his hand beneath Grantaire’s open jeans, Enjolras wrapped it around his cock, his tongue moving in rhythm with his hand. The slow and desperate noise that Grantaire emitted sent a tingling euphoria down his body. 

 

He continued with the movement, starting slow at first, before working up a speed. Watching Grantaire unravel beneath him as he did so was intoxicating. Every movement and expression he made a euphoric elation. 

 

Grantaire pulled him down gently with his arm wrapped around the back of Enjolras’ neck, kissing him with a vivacious passion. He moved his hands to the buttons at the front of Enjolras’ jeans, giggling slightly as his thumb got caught in the empty loop. Enjolras pulled away, laughing with him, resting his forehead on Grantaire’s. He felt Grantaire’s breath hot and heavy against his chest, and he closed his eyes as his jeans were slowly pushed down. 

 

It was becoming hard to think as Grantaire’s hands moved slowly down his body, exploring and running circles in sensitive areas. Sending waves of ecstatic delirium through his body and mind. 

 

Enjolras grounded himself by running his free hand through Grantaire’s curls, and then down his back. Grantaire’s jeans were still on, though loosely, and Enjolras steadied himself by sitting up slightly and taking Grantaire’s lips with him as he did so. It took a few moments of awkward shuffling, but eventually both their jeans were well and truly an integrated part of the mess on Grantaire’s floor. 

 

Turning his body so that he was sitting on the bed, Enjolras pulled Grantaire on top of him. Without needing instruction, Grantaire adjusted himself so that he was straddling him. It took a while for them to find a comfortable pace in the new position, but Enjolras was patient, and took his time in preparing Grantaire, grabbing the lubricant from it’s place on the nightstand. The small noises that Grantaire was emitting were fuelling his enthusiasm.

 

He looked towards Grantaire with expectancy and lust, and Grantaire gave him a small indication that he was ready. Grantaire lifted himself upwards, as he unravelled the condom onto Enjolras. Slowly and with great care, Enjolras guided him downwards onto him. It felt incredible, moving in unison with him, and he felt even closer with his lips pressed firmly against Grantaire’s own. 

 

Grantaire’s movements on top of him were controlled and deliberate, and Enjolras allowed him to set the rhythm and speed. He moved his hand towards Grantaire’s member once more as his lips traced small kisses up Enjolras’ neck. 

 

Enjolras let his head tilt backwards, feeling himself coming closer and closer and letting himself be lost in the feeling of paradise. Grantaire’s breath was becoming more laboured as Enjolras thrust upwards into him, eliciting small sounds that were more and more desperate. As Grantaire came to his climax in Enjolras’ hand, he pressed his lips quickly together, fast and hard. He felt his own pressure and bliss build, and with one last frenzied thrust reached his orgasm in a chasm of blinding light and ecstasy. 

 

They fell exhaustedly into each other, their backs hitting his mattress hard. Enjolras’ head was spinning, as Grantaire still appeared to be catching his breath. He knew he should get up and clean himself off, but for the moment, he just wanted to lie there with Grantaire. Why did sex have to be so messy?

 

Whilst his heartbeat began to slow down, Grantaire shifted up the mattress so that his head was on the pillow next to Enjolras. He turned his head towards him smiling, and all the lightness and adoration that he’d been wrapped in the day before came flooding back to him.

 

Slowly, he moved his face towards Grantaire’s, he almost stopped himself, questioning whether or not kissing was allowed when they weren’t in the middle of the act. But before he could overthink it the softness of Grantaire’s lips encased his own. Kissing him was unlike anything he had ever experienced before, the most relative comparison he could make was that kissing him felt like home. 

 

When they eventually pulled apart and had cleaned themselves up, Enjolras found himself stuck in a very familiar place. He was drifting off to sleep with Grantaire in his arms. His mind enraptured with positive memories of time spent together, and his heart close to bursting with adoration. Except now he knew he loved him, and had come to terms with it. So why was it so hard to say?

 

His head was still swimming slightly from the wine, and his day had been exhausting, emotionally and physically. Before his mind had wandered too far, sleep had overcome him.

 

* * *

 

Enjolras slowly woke up despite the darkness still surrounding him, a cool draft coming in from the doorway. He couldn’t pinpoint the time, but looking out of the window he could clearly see the sky was lightening, it was very early. He turned on his side to face Grantaire only to find an empty pillow and an emptier bed. 

 

Slowly getting up and pulling whatever clothes he could feel over his head, he made his way out towards the kitchen. 

 

This too was empty, and Enjolras had a brief moment of panic and fear that Grantaire had left him there, alone in an apartment that was not his. Before his mind could get too tangled in concern however, he felt a quick chill pass against him, raising the hairs on his arms and procuring them with goosebumps. 

 

Turning towards the opened balcony door, he saw him there. Standing with his bare back towards Enjolras and leaning casually against the mezzanine railing. His head was stooped and his leg was bouncing slightly to an invisible rhythm.

 

He knew now, after everything- the time they’d spent together, the way they’d opened up to each other, and the kiss that they’d shared, that he could not hold himself back any longer.

 

It was time to tell him everything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think? :)


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